Right, since it appears to be draft review time…
High Fyfe 2021 draft review
Come Back Hirdy is taking major steps in response to the promise his team showed during 2020, in which they were minor premiers and runners up. “Yeah nah, we expect to finish in the bottom four most years, so I’ll be doing my best to make sure that’s where we are in 2021. There’s plenty of work to do, but this horrific draft was a good start.”
Pick 17: Xavier O’Neill (West Coast)
O’Neill had six disposals in his most recent AFL game, causing some to question whether he was taking performance-lowering drugs. But he’s been cleared by ASADA, who found that he’s just not very good at football.
“He would have definitely been available with a fourth-round pick, but we didn’t have one of those, so I made the call to take him in the first round,” said Come Back Hirdy, neglecting to mention that he had two third-round picks at his disposal.
Pick 45: Finn Maginness (Hawthorn)
“To be honest, I thought he was one of the Finn brothers, and was hoping he’d bring a guitar into the change room and stop Charlie Dixon playing heavy metal. We all hate it, but nobody wants to bring it up because he’s a pretty big guy.”
“Imagine my surprise when it turns out Finn’s his first name, and he’s an undersized ‘inside mid’ who’s probably not even in his real team’s best 30 players.”
Charlie Dixon at last year’s Mad Monday
Pick 50: Jake Bowey (Melbourne)
“Same joke as the Finn brothers one, except with David Bowie.”
Bowey is primed to make an impact in his first year. Weighing in at less than 70kg, that impact is expected to be in the form of dents in the floor of the gym from dropping weights that he can’t lift.
Pick 107: Todd Marshall (Port Adelaide)
Is Marshall going to be the rare key position forward who’s also an excellent scorer? No. But was he the best available at the pick who suited the team’s needs? Also no.
“I’m mostly hopeful that @saladin will make an outlandish trade offer mid-season since he loves Marshall so much.”
Marshall and teammates after learning that he was drafted by High Fyfe
Pick 125: Tom Fullarton (Brisbane)
That Fullarton was picked up at all is clearly a sign of the inflated values of rucks in this league.
“I agree,” said Come Back Hirdy, breaking continuity because a real interview would have happened before the article was written. “But if he gets a game in the seniors he may get in Joe Daniher’s way a bit, and it’ll be that much sweeter knowing he’s on my team.”
Pick 129: Callum Wilkie (St Kilda)
“I thought if you’re going to pick someone from St Kilda, you better pick a tall, since they’re liable to set fire to anyone short.”
This pick marked three key position players picked in a row, showing that Come Back Hirdy still knows nothing about fantasy football.
Pick 142: David Cuningham (Carlton)
Worst pick of the draft, since it introduced the Fark Carlton stench into the club.
“We’ve had the deep cleaners on speed dial since COVID hit. We might have to get them on retainer to follow David around.”
“We’ll make sure they wear appropriate PPE”
Pick 146: Oscar McDonald (Carlton)
Arguably a less smelly player since FC only picked him up a few days ago. But still a bemusing pick given he has two scores above 60 in the past three years. And one of them was 61.
“We thought Fark Carlton might play him in the ruck or up forward. So he’s a chance to get dual positions and be an abject disappointment as a forward or ruck as well as a back.”
Pick 147: Lachlan McNeil (Bulldogs)
Who?
Pick 173: Jack Petruccelle (West Coast)
He’s not very good at fantasy football, but he is quick. In fact, it is said that there is only one thing in BBFFL#2 quicker than Petruccelle: the speed at which he’s thrown on the trash heap after round 1.
Gearing up to press the delist button