End of Season Review – Notorious BIX
I, Paul Seedsman, am back from a self-imposed writing exile, to write this exposé on the state of affairs at the Notorious BIX FC. I apologise to my loyal readers, as this year has been a busy one and my writing has suffered. I have been battling persistent groin injuries, Adelaide induced depression and to be honest, Smooth’s continual presence has upset me to the point of distraction. I will try to be as level headed, humble and honest as I can be during this review, qualities I am universally admired for.
What went wrong? The Notorious BIX, fresh off making finals last year and being voted by their peers as the best up and coming team in the competition, have regressed, dropping to a lowly and Saladin style 11th. This was even after the return of blond haired W.O.M.D Dyson Heppell, and Jaeger “Rested with Knee Soreness for 8 weeks” O’Meara. A review at the club, which was said to be tumultuous, has come up with three primary reasons:
1. The Tyrannical and Corrupt Figurehead of the BBFFL2, Redbull.
Chief of the N.B. legal department, Darcy Gardiner, has levelled some scathing allegations at senator Redbull, current and long-term autocrat of the league. In recent press conferences, he has alleged that RB has manipulated the draft, the trades, the media and the free agent list in a deliberate move to cripple the fast rising BIX. “I think it’s obvious that we were stealing a lot of his thunder last year” stuttered Gardiner, famously shy in public, “His rise this year is highly anomalous – how could a team so mediocre for so long, all of a sudden make top four? You do the maths – it doesn’t add up”. What is rumoured to have triggered this response is the league wide decision to not trade any centres to the Bix in the offseason, known internally as the “Conargo Embargo”.
The board of NB is said to have approached the Governer General, looking for the Queen to step in pull a Gough Whitlam or even better a Ned Stark. In addition to this, the army has been brought in to defend star recruit Sean Darcy, who according to Gardiner is about “99% chance to inexplicably end up on fuhrer RB’s squad in the off-season”.
“Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power”
Red Bull, 2017
Senator Bull after passing the Conargo Embargo, February 2017
2. The Rich get Richer, and the Poor get Poorer.
The BBFFL2, reflecting western society in general, is a caste system where the rich capitalist pigs rule the nest, and the poor teams are left to eat whatever regurgitated worms the top 4 teams choose to vomit into our open mouths. Team socialist, Tom Lynch, recently wrote this in his blog Marx Harvey, “Let the ruling classes tremble at a communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Workingmen of all countries, unite!”. Its rumoured that Tom’s aggressive blog was not vetoed by the club after review, indicating that a socialist-communist uprising may be imminent. The club hasn’t been drawn into what measures a socialist league would introduce, except for perhaps the reintroduction of Pazza.
Team Socialist Tom Lynch, pondering whether society should be inverted in the BBFFL2
“As long as poverty, injustice and gross inequality persist in our world, none of us can truly rest.”
T. Bix, 2017
3. Coach Bix has been busy starting his new company and siring an heir to the Notorious Bix throne.
The third, and much more controversial, reason that the board has linked to the decline of the NB performance is a pregnant wife and a new company taking up a lot of his time, particularly during draft period. Bix has violently dismissed these as contributing factors to the poor performance of his side in 2017, instead siding with reasons 1 and 2. The board has disagreed, and declared that any more significant changes in lifestyle will lead to sterilisation. Fans of the NB are rejoicing however, knowing that the head coach role is now likely locked in for at least 100 years in the Bix family.
“When you play the game of fantasy football, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.”
Paul Seedsman, right now