Yes, Prime Minister. Fishy, well not at all, you see …
Meeting between the Prime Minister of Australia and the Minister for Energy and the Environment the Rt. Honorable Josh Frydenberg representing the Commonwealth, and Dr. John Schubert representing The Great Barrier Reef Foundation.
April 9 2018
Schubert: “Good afternoon, Prime Minister, Minister Freydenberg. Please take a seat. May I enquire as to the reason for your visit?”
Turnbull: “I want to give your company $440 million. No, it’s closer to half a billion …
Schubert: “Good lord, that’s a lot of money. And might I enquire as to why you have selected us?”
Turnbull: “Do you mind if I close the door. You understand that this is all highly confidential.”
Schubert: “What is?”
Turnbull: “Well you see, in the May budget we managed to cut $500 million from Early Childhood development. Nobody noticed. Nice piece of work by the Treasurer wouldn’t you say, Josh?”
Frydenberg: “Yes, Prime Minister. It went as planned. ‘Save’ might be a better word Prime Minister.”
Turnbull: “Pardon.”
Frydenberg: “A better word than ‘cut,’ Prime Minister.”
Turnbull: “Of course.”
Frydenberg: “Yes, Prime Minister”
Turnbull: “Yes of course, Josh. Well we managed to save some money and we think you are well placed to put it to better use. The reef for example. And some of your directors are friends of ours. A lot of them actually. Lucy even had two of your directors over for lunch. Anyway the money will eventually make its way to the right places.”
Schubert: “The reef, you say. What it needs most is urgent action against climate change.”
Turnbull: “Oh goodness no, we were not thinking along those lines at all.”
Schubert: “Oh I see. I’m beginning to get your drift. Yes we don’t do climate stuff. It upsets some of our donors. Tell me how did you find us?”
Turnbull: “Some of my friends at Goldman Sachs recommended your foundation. Have you had a chance to peruse the agreement?”
Schubert: “Well to be honest it did pass my desk but I thought someone was trying to pull my leg. For example it said we could spend $40 million on administration no questions asked. It sounded well; it looked a little fraudulent if you ask me. If it’s a grant, it would seem to lack process, due diligence is “entirely absent”. There isn’t much transparency.”
Turnbull: “Doctor, if you’re not interested we can … ”
Schubert: “Oh please don’t take me the wrong way, Prime Minister. The agreement also indicated that the CSIRO would have to approach us for funds.”
Turnbull: “Is that correct, Josh?”
Frydenberg: “Yes, Prime Minister.”
Schubert: “A bit like winning tattslotto, isn’t it? Won’t someone find out that $500 million has gone missing from the early childhood development budget. That fellow Shorten is rather smart.”
Turnbull: “Probably not, but if they do the storm should pass in a few days. Any further questions? Anyway it has passed in the budget.”
Schubert: “Well there is the question of transparency. I read that Law professor Tim Stephens has jumped in, saying that cutting greenhouse gas emissions was a key to helping the reef. You know we don’t get involved in that area. Actually we don’t believe in that. Well most of our members don’t.”
Turnbull: “Yes, you said that before.
I thought you would have been better briefed than this.”
Frydenberg: “Yes, Prime Minister.”
Turnbull: “I know you have been busy with energy Josh but how much does John know.”
Frydenberg: “The more he knows the less the better, Prime Minister.”
Turnbull: “Yes I realise that, Josh but … “
Frydenberg: “Yes, Prime Minister, it’s just that the climate, if you will pardon the pun, has gotten a little out of control and I have been trying to fix it so I asked Christopher to do the briefing. He rang this morning to say that what I thought he said was only a figment of my imagination. That what I think I thought he meant is not what he meant at all. That when he says something and I take it to mean one thing he has the option of saying that what I thought I heard was not what I heard at all. Man’s a ■■■■■■ fool.”
Turnbull: “Yes of course I understand, least I think I do. Josh, you stay behind and brief Mr. Schubert thoroughly. It’s a good chance to pick up a little extra on the allowances. Mr. Schubert has got to understand the end objective here.
And tell Pyne not to worry so much about what people think of him. Jesus, if only he knew how little they did.”
Frydenberg: “ I think he needs a manager boss, if you want my opinion he has been handling himself to long. Too busy thinking about what’s in it for him.”
Turnbull: “Umm we have a few like that. Delighted to have you on board, John.”
Schubert: “Thank you, Prime Minister. Well gentlemen if you don’t mind its Friday and I have a luncheon appointment with the CEO.”
Turnbull: “Why don’t you take the staff and break the news? I’m sure the 8 of you will be in for promotions all round.”
Schubert: “Just amazing to think that you would hand responsibility for the reef’s future to one tiny private charity. I’m sure that with former executives from BHP, Origin Energy and GE Mining on the board that we are the right folks for the job.”
Turnbull: “Yes, so are we. That right, Josh?”
Frydenberg: “Yes, Prime Minister.”
Postscript
Frydenberg: “What do you think, Malcolm?”
Turnbull: “Most of it will be up to you, Josh. Just keep everyone as confused as you possibly can. We don’t want anyone to know what the end game is. Especially the public servants.”
Frydenberg: “Yes, Prime Minister. Remember Orwell wrote an excellent book for dyslexics called 1948.”
