Formal occasions

I’m in a bit of trouble. I went to an extended family wedding on the weekend and didn’t wear a dinner suit or a bow tie as requested. I don’t have a wedding suit, just an old (but nice) dark grey one and some respectable old Julius marlows. And I don’t find bow ties comfortable. And I like to be as comfortable as I can in social situations as I am generally uncomfortable in them if that makes sense. Oh and I was also observed not to be singing hymns or praying either. I’m agnostic so what’s the point.
So it hasn’t gone down well at all and isn’t going away soon. I couldn’t give a ■■■■ as all this formality stuff doesn’t mean as much to me as it does to the people that paid for it. But I just don’t get is how much formality do reasonable people expect? We’re talking old school farming gentry who still discuss dowries, brides family up for a song and asking the brides dad first as very real things. But apparenly they just couldn’t cope with my appearance and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if I received a letter with a family seal on it soon asking for an explanation. I joke you not.
I don’t really do too much for them but short of mucking out a stable or two I wouldn’t be much help. I’ll help out if I’m asked but I’m not so that’s fine. I’m generally quite respectful in their company, even if I think they can be matyrs at the best of times and seem to look down their noses at most people without realising. I helped a few of the older guests about the church and at the reception. Every uncle aunt cousin I was introduced to I spoke with politely until it was the next ones go. The ones I got on with really well I chatted with, the ones I think are fkwits I did the same. I didn’t drink and embarrass myself, I waited around till everyone was too ■■■■■■ to notice then I went.
Thought I’d got through it all but no. I’m not number one dad of the nephews and neices anymore.
As I said I could genuinely not give a tinkers toss but feel a bit bad for my part of the family who I hope don’t wear it. If it means I’m cut out of future extended family occasions I’ll sleep but it’s when stuff like this hangs over more than just your head it’s pretty fking ridiculous.
So what I want to know is this; what did I do wrong? What is the expectation these days? I go to some occasions and get told it’s black tie and everyone’s there in lounge suits. I go to other stuff where there appear to be general attire requirements and get threatened with expulsion. I thought society in general was becoming a bit more relaxed with this stuff. Apparently maybe not high society. Anyone else have run ins like this? Funniest thing about it all was that my entire get up was $22.50 from salvos about 10 years ago; 10 for suit which was marked down to half price and rest on shoes. If they’d found that out I’d probably have woken up with one of their horses heads keeping my thighs warm.

Jesus did I go on a bit too long there? It’s a bad as the wedding

Jesus did I go on a bit too long there? It's a bad as the wedding

Nah, appropriate length for an appropriate situation description.

I never trust someone who wears a bow tie.

TBH elements of your extended family sound like wankers. Wankers are very hard people to please. I wouldn’t analyse it too deeply.

Maybe you were unconsciously giving out non-conformist, pro-refugee and pro-wind power vibes.

“Oh and I was also observed not to be singing hymns or praying either.” - this sounds like a worse sin than not dressing ‘appropriately’.

“still discuss dowries” - sheeeet. Son, you’re on your own. I’m waaay out of my depth here.

Jesus did I go on a bit too long there? It's a bad as the wedding

Also, taking the Lords name in vein. I think you need to visit confessional.

The singing amen church thing was only marginally less treasonable than the bow tie thing.

I never trust someone who wears a bow tie.

TBH elements of your extended family sound like wankers. Wankers are very hard people to please. I wouldn’t analyse it too deeply.

Maybe you were unconsciously giving out non-conformist, pro-refugee and pro-wind power vibes.

“Oh and I was also observed not to be singing hymns or praying either.” - this sounds like a worse sin than not dressing ‘appropriately’.

“still discuss dowries” - sheeeet. Son, you’re on your own. I’m waaay out of my depth here.

I was channelling my inner Rik. Wedding anarchist!
So you didn’t know that a dowrie was still a real thing either? Thank fk I’m not the only one then.
I was waiting for a noblemen to ride in and claim right of the first night.

Sounds to me like a perfect question for the members forum :wink:

If the invite says black tie you wear black tie or don’t go. A suit doesn’t cut it. Thems the rules and not following them is disrespectful

It was your wedding, wasn’t it Yossarian?

FYI

What invitation dress codes actually mean for men
DENNIS GREEN
SEP 15, 2015, 4:15 AM

Black-tie, informal, business casual — what does it all actually mean?

In order to demystify invitation dress codes, we consulted “The Pocket Butler,” an etiquette guide written by longtime butler Charles MacPherson. In his book, MacPherson breaks down the dos and don’ts of those seemingly simple invitation dress requirements.

Business casual

Business casual
Getty/Angela Weiss
Business casual (also “dress casual”) has been muddled in recent years by shifting trends and standards of dress. If you see it on a invitation, it’s always best to err on the side of formality.

A perfect business casual outfit includes pants that aren’t jeans, a sports coat, and a dressier shirt. A tie is not required. The idea is to appear relaxed but put-together.

Business dress

Business Attire
Getty/Vittorio Zunino Celotto
Business dress is what those who work in finance and law wear on a daily basis. It’s code for a suit and tie, but with a little more freedom to get creative.

Semi-formal or informal

Semi-Formal
Getty/Jamie McCarthy
You might be relieved to know that semi-formal is not a synonym for black-tie; the two dress codes are completely separate.

For semi-formal, all you need is a dark coloured suit with a dress shirt and tie. Nothing too fancy is required, but the rules are a little more restrictive than business dress.

Black-tie optional

Black Tie Optional
Getty/Jamie McCarthy
If you see “black-tie optional,” know that a tuxedo is not required, but whoever sent the invitation will most likely be wearing one.

An appropriate black-tie optional outfit could include a navy or black suit with a formal dress shirt and a dark-coloured tie. And yes, you can wear a tuxedo if you like.

Black-tie

Black Tie
Getty/Ian Gavan
Black-tie is often considered the pinnacle of modern formality.

It usually includes a completely black tuxedo with a white formal shirt, finished with a black satin bow tie. Sometimes a black satin cummerbund is added, but that is becoming less and less common. Black socks and black patent leather shoes are non-negotiable for black-tie.

White-tie

White Tie
Getty/Ian Gavan
White-tie is so formal that most people aren’t even aware it exists. This dress code is typically reserved for royal weddings and state dinners. An extreme few personal events require white-tie.

This style of dress differs from black-tie in that the tie is white (surprise), a white vest is required (and quite starchy), and the coat has tails. White gloves are optional.

New family needed asap.

FYI

What invitation dress codes actually mean for men
DENNIS GREEN
SEP 15, 2015, 4:15 AM

Black-tie, informal, business casual — what does it all actually mean?

In order to demystify invitation dress codes, we consulted “The Pocket Butler,” an etiquette guide written by longtime butler Charles MacPherson. In his book, MacPherson breaks down the dos and don’ts of those seemingly simple invitation dress requirements.

Business casual

Business casual
Getty/Angela Weiss
Business casual (also “dress casual”) has been muddled in recent years by shifting trends and standards of dress. If you see it on a invitation, it’s always best to err on the side of formality.

A perfect business casual outfit includes pants that aren’t jeans, a sports coat, and a dressier shirt. A tie is not required. The idea is to appear relaxed but put-together.

Business dress

Business Attire
Getty/Vittorio Zunino Celotto
Business dress is what those who work in finance and law wear on a daily basis. It’s code for a suit and tie, but with a little more freedom to get creative.

Semi-formal or informal

Semi-Formal
Getty/Jamie McCarthy
You might be relieved to know that semi-formal is not a synonym for black-tie; the two dress codes are completely separate.

For semi-formal, all you need is a dark coloured suit with a dress shirt and tie. Nothing too fancy is required, but the rules are a little more restrictive than business dress.

Black-tie optional

Black Tie Optional
Getty/Jamie McCarthy
If you see “black-tie optional,” know that a tuxedo is not required, but whoever sent the invitation will most likely be wearing one.

An appropriate black-tie optional outfit could include a navy or black suit with a formal dress shirt and a dark-coloured tie. And yes, you can wear a tuxedo if you like.

Black-tie

Black Tie
Getty/Ian Gavan
Black-tie is often considered the pinnacle of modern formality.

It usually includes a completely black tuxedo with a white formal shirt, finished with a black satin bow tie. Sometimes a black satin cummerbund is added, but that is becoming less and less common. Black socks and black patent leather shoes are non-negotiable for black-tie.

White-tie

White Tie
Getty/Ian Gavan
White-tie is so formal that most people aren’t even aware it exists. This dress code is typically reserved for royal weddings and state dinners. An extreme few personal events require white-tie.

This style of dress differs from black-tie in that the tie is white (surprise), a white vest is required (and quite starchy), and the coat has tails. White gloves are optional.

Yeah maybe I stuffed up with that one then.
Let the shunning begin.

Consider yourself shunned.

Blitz is my real family.
And Tasmanians love family.

Blitz is my real family. And Tasmanians love family.

Are you a Tasmanian ?

Well, if you are, then that explains a great deal from your post.

Get a black suit, wear a white shirt and have a dark tie and bowtie in the car ready to go. Get to the function, suss out the crowd, attach appropriate neck-strangler, drink the booze and make a play for the bridesmaids. If you’re uncomfortable with a strangler, then rest assured it will be the first thing to disappear once the festivities start getting a bit loose.

Dowries are still a thing? Who knew. But asking the dad before proposing is still a good tradition, as long as you actually get along with him and he isn’t going to say no. My father-in-law and I still have a couple of in-jokes relating to that experience.

And if they can’t get over you not being religious, that’s their problem.

Tasmanians looking down their noses at people? Are they effing serious?

Ah, Tasmania. Kind of makes dowry redundant doesn’t it?