Jackie, Tiffany, Lara and the Eggs

          I was waiting in the bomber shop idly picking over the merchandise when in strode a compelling figure in a painted on grey leather bodysuit, long black hair in a ponytail down her back and a black utility belt girdling her slender waist which accentuated an upper superstructure you could stand a cup of tea on – Lara Croft!  No wait it was my great friend and companion the ace reporter Tiffany her blonde locks hidden by a black wig.

 

“Quickly  Jackie.”  She said grabbing my arm and steering me outside to her Volvo (just joking) her Kia and pushing me in.

 

“Where are we going Tiff?”

 

“The Clown Museum Jackie to see some very unusual eggs, read this on the way” and she passed me a letter:

 

13 Woodland St,

Essendon North,

10/9/13

 

Dear Tffany,

                   I  read Jackie‘s articles on Bomber Blitz with great attention but I am writing to you as you are the sensible one.  I have in my possession a piece of Essendon memorabilia of inestimable value which has been handed down to me by my great, great grandfather.  I don‘t wish it to be sold but want to give it to a true Essendon supporter who will keep it safe and value its significance and I have chosen Jackie for this purpose provided that several conditions are fulfilled to my satisfaction.

 

Firstly I need you to visit the Clown Museum and ask to see the egg collection then come and see me Wednesday afternoon for me to explain the rest.

 

Yours Faithfully,

 

Lara Croft

 

PS  You are too good for Jackie find someone nice like Jobe and settle down.

 

I was intrigued (although a little miffed) but no more could I get from her until we pulled up in front of an old nondescript hall set back from the footpath behind Luna Park.  The faded lettering  above the door said “MELBOURNE CLOWN HALL” and I noticed that some wag had put up a poster of Robert Doyle the current Lord Mayor next to the hooter which served as a door bell.

 

I parped twice and we were ushered in by a smiling clown who said:

 

“I‘ve been expecting you – come in, come this way.”

 

We followed him into a room at the rear of the hall which he carefully unlocked and the lights were turned on to reveal an amazing sight.  Rows of glass cabinets containing hundreds of china eggs and on each egg was painted the face of a clown and below the egg was a card bearing a name.

 

“What on earth is this?” I asked Tiffany but the clown answered

 

“Each clown has his own registered individual face makeup – one clown never copies another clown‘s makeup because it‘s copyrighted and displayed on an egg.  The design is the personal property of that clown until he dies then another clown may use it.  This has been the case for over one hundred years.  Originally they were painted on blown chicken eggs but virtually none of these survived and they have been replaced by china eggs.”

 

We spent thirty minutes examining the eggs and having their designs explained to us before I found myself in the car once again with Tiffany.

 

“What‘s going on Tiffany, I‘m confused?”

 

We‘re going to Woodlands St. to see the great, great granddaughter of a man who played football for Essendon and also worked as a clown. – one of the best of his generation.”

 

I like Woodlands St for two reasons – firstly one of the old McCracken mansions is down at the eastern end and secondly Woodlands was the name of the club that Dickie Reynolds played for before he came to Essendon. It was thus that I found myself having tea with a charming white haired lady of advanced years called Lara and this is what she told me:

 

“My great, great grandfather was Edgar Croft – he‘s almost forgotten now but he shouldn‘t be and I hope you can rectify this oversight.

 

Did you know he kicked Essendon‘s first ever goal in the VFL and  in the same year, 1897, kicked the only goal of the match that won Essendon the first ever VFL Premiership?

 

Please look at this.”

 

From a cupboard in the lounge room Lara produced a beautiful mahogany box constructed in the shape of an old fashioned football that was fatter than the modern ball being more like a rugby ball.  A brass clasp was undone and the top part of the box swung back to reveal the interior padded with red velvet.  Side by side in two snug egg shaped depressions sat two superbly painted hen eggs. 

 

On the left hand egg was a clown face done entirely in red and black with a red painted sash extending from the left ear to the bottom of the chin on the right. The inscription read:

 

“Edgar Croft – Same Old the clown”

 

On the right hand egg was a  deftly executed painting of a footballer with a narrow red sash and big black boots kicking a goal.  An inscription on the egg read:

 

“E. Croft winning goal 1897 VFL Premiership”

 

“I‘m old and have no heirs – I want to pass this on to someone who cares.  It is an irreplaceable piece of football memorabilia. You can see its over one hundred years old, the only one of its type and both beautiful and fragile. I have followed your adventures at the club and I see you Jackie as the knight errant to the beautiful Tiffany.”

 

Tiffany piped up “I don‘t know about knight errant he just makes a lot of mistakes.”

 

Lara smiled.” Never the less I am sure he is both a clown and someone who will appreciate its importance at the same time and be a worthy guardian.    However before I entrust them to you Jackie there are some conditions that must be fulfilled.

 

I want you to get Bomberblitz to have an annual award for the Essendon Goal of the Year this to be a trophy called the “EDGAR CROFT GOAL OF THE YEAR”

 

I want it to be based on two criteria - significance and style.  The weighting of these categories to be flexible from year to year.”

 

I want the trophy to be a blown ostrich egg which you will provide each year to be suitably engraved and illustrated.

Do you agree?””

 

“I would love to – Blitz doesn‘t have a goal of the year award and Edgar Croft certainly deserves to be remembered but it‘s not up to me.  I would have to see what the Blitzer community thinks or ask the moderators their thoughts.  If people are in favour I could organize a design competition and have clips of contending goals saved during the season.  I‘ll see what I can do.”

 

We departed shortly thereafter but instead of getting in the car Tiffany led me into Woodlands Park opposite.

 

“Remember a training report you wrote about six years ago.  Gary O‘Donnell took training and lined the players up in pairs in two lines facing each other then they threw an egg across to their partner who had to catch it.  Successful catchers took a step further back and lobbed the egg across until one or the other dropped it or broke it. That‘s one reason she chose you Jackie.”

 

I did remember that and I wonder if any blitzer can remember the winner?

 

Tiffany reached into her utility belt and took out an egg

 

“Step back Jackie about a cricket pitch – catch it without breaking it and I‘ll give you a very special prize!”

 

The egg performed a high parabola and dropped towards me as I squinted into the sun……….

 

Should Bomberblitz have an Edgar Croft goal of the year award?  Tell me what you think.

if you want an emu egg ive got one to donate

if you want an emu egg ive got one to donate


Gratefully accepted

My ex wife carves emu eggs. Does some beautiful work too.

 

And is a Bombers girl.

I ,ll be in Melbourne on the weekend at jeffs shed

Inspired idea Jackie, I'd vote for it

wheres the sexy sexy bit? 

Goal of the year? Eggsactly what we need.

I can get you a bunch of dog eggs.

Free to a good home.

Pro-tip: they’re poos

Excellent work again, Jackie!

 

 

Your best work is both subliminal and ineffable. 

 

This is a great suggestion.

A few things that have come to out of this latest adventure. 

1. What is Tiffany's idea of settling down?

2. Vote yes for ED. 

3. l have taken part in a catch and throw egg competition in the past, distant past. lt turned out to be one of the funniest things you will ever see. The winner combo successfully managed a distance of 40 + m, which is fairly impressive in any language. Many competitors were left with plenty of egg on their faces. Hope this doesn't happen to our good friend Jackie. 

One cup or two?......Eggcelent!

Does this mean Tiffany is a Terry Pratchett fan?

Great idea, perfectly argued.

wheres the sexy sexy bit? 

 

Go back and read first paragraph, then use your imagination, lol.

 

 

 

Love the idea of an Edgar Croft Goal of the Year Award. 

Great article Jackie. Yes, a goal of the year award sounds brilliant.

 

Did you catch the egg?

Another brilliant literary piece Jackie!

 

I eggstatic about the Goal Kicking Award also.

Goal of the year should be a poll. 

l nominate Winderlich for the inaugural Edgar Croft award.

Goal of the year should be a poll. 

l nominate Winderlich for the inaugural Edgar Croft award.

Seconded.

Eggscellent.

 

I thought the egg theme was going to end up like a Game of Thrones, Mother of Dragons type thing.