Adelaide’s List Manager:
“We expected a much better outcome with Crouch. Frankly, we were hoping for pick 2. At one point we heard Collingwood were very keen on him. It turns out that they were turned off by his one drug strike. They have a policy only to consider players who have 2 or more. The Adkins compensation was a bit of a surprise though, especially since we forgot he was on our list.”
Brisbane’s List Manager:
“We felt it was important to bring Joe Daniher into the club in order to take the scrutiny off Hipwood’s shoddy goalkicking. Some suggested that Joey’s relationship with our club doctor sealed the deal, but he had a stronger connection within our club. Joey and Mitch Robinson have become great mates through their tattooist, Stevie Wonder. Our next priority was to secure Nakia Cockattoo in order to give Daniher some companionship during prolonged rehab stints.”
Carlton’s List Manager:
“We have a lot of straight-line runners in our club, but up until we secured Adam Saad the only other player that could run in a diagonal and zig-zag fashion was Charlie Curnow when trying to do a drunken runner from the police. There was a rumour that Saad wasn’t content playing a lockdown role. This is plainly false. He has however expressed a desire not to wear Navy Blue, to do half the expected training loads, to skip all post-game meetings and wants an assurance that if we go back to the “Can you smell what we’re cooking” motto, that it’s Halal certified. We brought in Zac Williams to support Patrick Cripps, but on his pay packet, he can probably support at least seven 3rd world countries.”
Collingwood’s List Manager:
“We clearly won the trade. After years of being selfish, we decided it was important to give back to the other clubs. A rising star, a gun midfielder and young wingman was the least we could do. I can also proudly announce that I am requesting a 9 year 1 million a year extension on my own contract after killing this trade period.”
Essendon’s List Manager:
“We thought Joey was going to stay. In fact, it wasn’t an easy decision for him. For a long time there he was sitting on the fence. Literally. We tried everything to keep Saad. We even made a hopeful bid for Houli’s services and reserved the club’s spongy surface for prayer times. At the end of the day he decided he wanted to go to a professional club so he chose one that features Mitch McGovern. Orazio was clear about wanting to tear up his existing contract which was no surprise as he is very good at tearing things. Caldwell, we were keen to get after he passed a medical and Wright we were keen to get after he passed a measurement. Hind is a great story. We were very keen to reunite him with his roots - the VFL. Many will assume we are shattered to be missing out on Josh Dunkley, but the truth is we are more upset about not netting Mitch Hinge! Marty Gleeson has triggered a clause to extend his contract by agreeing to eat a meal sometime.”
Fremantle’s List Manager:
“We thought we had a shot prizing Jordan Clark, because he is about 15 years too young for the Cats target age demographic. We just had to let Hogan go. Some may think that we traded him out because he broke COVID protocols to sneak into a female’s house. To be honest we were more disappointed that he wasn’t getting any. That’s not what we are about…”
Geelong’s List Manager:
“We saw it as our duty to acquire Higgins and Isaac Smith, less so for their football ability and more so out of concern for their wellbeing, as they are both in the high-risk age demographic for COVID. We couldn’t risk them being sent to a nursing home. We thought there was no way we would get Cameron to come. Our first meeting didn’t seem fruitful until someone said the word “fishing” and he signed right away. We were hopeful in getting Cameron for free but at the end of the day GWS did to us what Gary Rohan did to our staffer. Next year we will look to further target our niche age demographic by adding Joe Biden to our Category B list."
Gold Coast’s List Manager:
“The Adam Treloar thing was just media hype. There was no way we were ever going to get him. It’s not like we had anything to offer him besides his partner, young child, a massive contract and a top 5 pick. Oleg Markov will be a favourite of the coach because Markov comes from a pole vaulting family and Stewart Dew likes peeing on poles.”
GWS’s List Manager:
“Many will be horrified that we let Hately walk to the PSD. What’s so wrong with walking? Shane Mumford does it every game. Both Braydon Pruess and Jesse Hogan bring a lot of experience when it comes to failure which will help our less star-studded list cope with the realities of where we are headed."
Hawthorn’s List Manager:
“Kyle Hartigan should live up to the expectations set by Michael Hartley for the coveted most superfluous player award. We were happy to get Phillips for a bargain and believe if he maintains his running credentials he can continue to run away from the contest for many years to come."
Melbourne’s List Manager:
“Ben Brown has plenty of experience playing for an underperforming team so he should fit right in. After missing out on Isaac Smith and having our last 4,000 wingmen all fail on us we are really confident Ben Brown will play the wing role to perfection.”
North Melbourne’s List Manager:
“We realised that Jaiden Stephenson was gettable after he placed a bet on himself to end up at the Kangaroos. We were so lucky to get him as we are frankly a rubbish football team. He came to us due to a heavily back-ended contract whilst Atu Bosenavulagi came to us with a heavily back-ended surname.”
Port Adelaide’s List Manager:
“Fantasia was a bit shy to come back to us. Less so because he stuffed us last year and more because he was afraid our theme song “Never Tear Us Apart’ disqualified him on account of his dodgy calf and quads. We are stoked to have Aliir Aliir as he is 2 in 1”.
Richmond’s List Manager:
“We had to let Higgins go due to his inferior defensive skills whilst Oleg Markov had to go due to his inferior moustache growing skills.”
St. Kilda’s List Manager:
“Crouch is a great get for us. Initially, we engaged with Adelaide in a strategy that would see them get pick 2 but the AFL put a line through that (Crouch subsequently snorted the line). Crouch is looking forward to meeting the players and has already swapped contacts with Jake Carlisle. After looking at our data postseason we were keen to get Shaun McKernan to help us improve in the key frees against element of our gameplan.”
Sydney’s List Manager:
“We were looking for a player that had experience in at least 3 other clubs and then narrowed the search to Tom Hickey. Hickey excels at being traded out and it is our plan to use him in that capacity sooner rather than later. We have already committed to helping him get his memoir “Pass the Parcel” published in the coming months”
West Coast’s List Manager:
“Witherden was a bargain. All we had to do was give away late picks and contend with a lazy ball watcher for the next 2 years. It was an offer we couldn’t refuse. ”
Western Bulldogs’ List Manager:
“We are thrilled to bring in Stef Martin as insurance if Josh Dunkley gets injured. Treloar fits a need for us. He is great in busy traffic which is vital as Lachie Hunter isn’t even good with parked cars. We considered Jack Higgins briefly but decided not to go there. We thought it wasn’t worth getting a player in who tells a joke after half time when we already have Josh Bruce, who is a joke all the time.”