Adelaide’s List Manager:
“We were very keen to move up the draft to get North’s pick 1. Our offer was slightly better than the one recorded in the media. We basically offered 3 first rounders, Matt Crouch’s girlfriend, Rory Sloane’s 2nd child, Matthew Nicks’ secret stash of horse dewormer and a Taylor Walker signed KKK outfit. We were close to a deal with the Cats on Daniel Talia before the Cats withdrew due to realising that he was still in his 20’s. We are seriously looking into introducing a whole club mask mandate in order to ensure that there is something covering Tex Walker’s big mouth at all times.”
Brisbane’s List Manager:
“A lot has been said about Darcy Fort being a part of this trade period’s ‘ruck merry-go-round’. That is simply incorrect on account of Fort having no turning circle. Lachie Neale has thankfully recommitted to the football club after considering a move back to Fremantle, which we are all thrilled about. He is currently diving into his preseason program alongside Joe Daniher, who has been diving for quite some time.”
Carlton’s List Manager:
“We are excited to help bring Cerra close to his family because he will need their support and sympathy during his years at Carlton. We identified Cerra as a player of need to support Zac Williams who we brought in to support Setterfield who was brought in to support Matthew Kennedy who we brought into support Patrick Cripps. The fact that George Hewitt got a 4 year deal raised some eyebrows. For us it was a no-brainer as we wanted him to have the opportunity to impress our next 3 senior coaches. We were the only club to our knowledge that made an offer for Hewitt, ultimately meaning he had a decision to make between going to Carlton or nothing. We realise this was not an easy choice to make. ”
Collingwood’s List Manager:
“We were shocked to lose Lynch, who we earmarked as our number 1 ruck when Grundy’s contract expires in 2035. We are recommitting to Mason Cox who we spectacularly plucked from an overseas basketball court and we will be looking to do the same to Jordan DeGoey, who we recently plucked from the Supreme Court. Lipinski can play on the inside and outside as we saw from his time at the Dogs where he played both inside and outside their best 22. Lipinski had to decide between lucrative offers from Collingwood and Carlton, which I guess is a bit like deciding between a career as Mark Robinson’s copywriter and a cadetship at the Wuhan lab. We are hoping nobody bids early for Daicos as we face being in more debt than a contestant from Squid Game. We send a request to the general public for help. We are currently trying to release a highlights package of Kreuger for our website. We just can’t find anything. If you have any footage whatsoever, even if it’s grainy, please send it to the club. We will even accept clangers at this point. After issues with our salary cap this time last year, we can announce a new accountant, who this time, can actually add. We can also announce that 118% of our employees are double vaxxed.”
Essendon’s List Manager:
“We managed to get Jake Kelly from Adelaide who is a son of a gun but couldn’t extract Bobby Hill from the grasp of McCartney, who is a son of something else. There’s a lot of speculation that Dodoro doesn’t get on with McCartney. The truth is, nobody gets on with McCartney. The Bobby Hill result is a real shame, as he is already with elite speed and delivery into the forward 50 and was attracted to the prospect of joining the Bombers to become elite at frees against. We are not fussed with whether or not we land Ben King in 12 months time because we have 2 other key position forwards on the horizon, in the Davey twins.”
Fremantle’s List Manager:
“Whilst we were sad to give up Cerra, we were happy with what we got from Carlton. It was a win/win really. We get the chance to secure some top-end talent in the draft and Carlton got an excuse not to stuff up another top 10 selection. There was some talk about Jordan Clark angrily putting down the phone on Stephen Wells. This is not true. It was more a case of him being signed up to Optus. A move on Coniglio was thwarted by GWS and a move by Lobb to go to GWS was thwarted by his financial planner.”
Geelong’s List Manager:
“It was clear that Jordan Clark didn’t fit in our team structure when it became apparent that he was the only player on our list young enough to be eligible to get the Pfizer vaccine. Some were wondering why we opted for Stengle, who is only 21 years of age, but we found out that a history of drug dependence can age you up to 9 years, so we think he fits perfectly in our age demographic. We are aware that Stengle is a bit of a risky pickup considering he has more drug strikes than Gary Rohan has possessions in a final. We have given Narkle 1 more year to try and fit into the dimensions of our team, whilst Zac Tuohy has given his moustache 1 more year to try and fit the dimensions of his face. Kreuger was sacrificed in order to create enough salary space to get David Mundy in next year. "
Gold Coast’s List Manager:
“We were so desperate to get rid of Brodie we offered up a pick 19 just so a team could take him. Next year we will look to do the same by offering 2 first rounders for a team to take Adkins. We acknowledge that a lot of our issues have come about from heavily back ending contracts to extremely average players. We have decided to change strategy and from now on, just like Stewart Dew’s t-shirts, we will be heavily front ending. Chol chose us after consulting with his former teammate, Sydney Stack, who advised him that a prolonged period of time in prison isn’t as bad as it sounds.”
GWS’s List Manager:
“We were caught completely off guard by Bobby Hill’s request to leave for Victoria. He left it very late by only giving us a few days warning, as opposed to Tanner Bruhn who gave us 2 years warning. We are cognisant that Hill has a child on the way but you have to understand that McCartney is a child right now. There was some conjecture that Finlayson was pushed out the door, when in fact it was a case of Toby Greene mistaking him for an umpire. We briefly considered making a play for Dumont as cover for Coniglio, as the type of player who can become captain without ever being in our best team."
Hawthorn’s List Manager:
“O’Brien realised he was on the nose when even the die-hard Hawks fans refused to vote for him for Mark of the Year. There was a lot of talk about us offering up all our best players. Please don’t believe everything you read. The actual truth is that we also offered all of our worst players too. Wingard was very adamant that he was not going to move anywhere, which resembles what he does on the field during clutch games. We have been receiving flack for offering to pay 400k for Ceglar to not play for us and a million for Clarkson to not coach for us but you have no idea how much we would pay for Jeff Kennett to not be our President."
Melbourne’s List Manager:
“Some were surprised that the best team in the competition would be interested in Luke Dunstan. Whilst it is true that he has poor endurance, is a plodder and criminally turns the ball over by both hand and foot, we still see him as one of St Kilda’s best players. We are happy to report that we are raring to go for a shot at back-to-back flags with nobody on our injury list besides Steven May who had a 7cm tear in his hamstring and Jack Bowey who actually is 7cm. We looked to sue Ricky Nixon for trying to sell phoney Premiership merchandise but were advised by our lawyers that we were unlikely to succeed based on a precedent set when Sam Mitchell and Trent Cotchin tried to sell their phoney Brownlow medals.”
North Melbourne’s List Manager:
“We are so happy to bring in Callum Coleman-Jones, who we have very high hopes for. We realise that he has some things to work on such as improving his physicality in the contest, but we have already tailored a training program for him that would involve a form of ball work but instead substitute the ball with a kebab. That should fire him up! There were a few compelling offers for our number 1 pick but they completely fell over, a bit like Jaidyn Stephenson on his BMX bike.”
Port Adelaide’s List Manager:
“David Koch brought the whole club together and after 2 Prelim losses implored us to stop choking and instead take after him by chewing and swallowing. Finlayson is a player we have brought in as forward cover and we have also invested in a new tarp as rest of the ground cover. There was some interest in Powell-Pepper who sees himself as a midfielder and Rozee who sees himself in the mirror.”
Richmond’s List Manager:
“North were taken by surprise when we secretly approached Robbie Tarrant behind North’s back, but this wasn’t the first time we’ve done that sort of thing, just ask Mrs. Hardwick.”
St. Kilda’s List Manager:
“We decided to part ways with Luke Dunstan despite getting 11 Brownlow votes in order to invest more midfield time into Dan Hannebery who will arrive in the preseason in 11 pieces. We thank Jake Carlisle for his service, but we already have a group of youngsters who are eyeing his jumper number, whilst Brad Crouch is eyeing his leftover white powder. Xerri would have provided useful backup in the event a player with a surname beginning in U, V or W gets injured.”
Sydney’s List Manager:
“We were sad to lose Dawson who featured highly in our best and fairest, but we have a good enough list to cover for him. Already, we have plans to move Lloyd up from the last line of defence and move Rampe down from being perched on a goalpost. When looking at our future forward stocks we realised that players like Hayden McLean weren’t good enough to tie Buddy’s shoelaces, so we went and got Peter Ladhams who is too tall and uncoordinated to tie up his own shoelaces.”
West Coast’s List Manager:
“The arrival of SPS is great news for Witherden who is now promoted to the second laziest player on our list. Shannon Hurn and Josh Kennedy are weighing up offers to stay at the club or to sign up at local nursing homes. We can happily announce Gatorade as a new game day sponsor of Wille Rioli’s urine samples.”
Western Bulldogs’ List Manager:
“We cannot lie that we were hopeful for better compensation for Lipinski, who we saw as a required player. The folks at the Pies were able to drive a really hard bargain, which is fine because we have Lachie Hunter who is able to drive into parked cars. Unfortunately, we will be without Weightman for the early part of the preseason after he injured his ankle in an acting injury. This has not deterred him in his quest to perfect his acting craft and we expect him to be back hunched on the ground in no time. Due to a clerical error, it seems we have offered a 2-year extension to Jordan Sweet.”