Marriage is like a deck of cards. lt starts off with a diamond and two hearts. By the end you wish you had a club and a spade. *
* May not be true.
I lost a lifelong friend and drinking partner today....
he got his finger caught in a wedding ring
Apparently Krispy Kreme turned 77 yesterday.
Which is more than any of their patrons have ever got to.
Nick Maxwell.
Nick Maxwell attempting to play on an opponent.
19 marks.
Confused!
I became very confused when I heard The word “service” used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
United States Postal ‘Service’
Telephone ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
City, State & Federal; Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
This is not what I thought ‘service’ meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to ‘service’ his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand
Why do teenage girls hang out in odd numbers?
Because they can't even.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off.
So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
"Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?"
"Well... are you religious?" He said yes.
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist"
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
Ty Zantuck
2 vomits walk down the street.
As they pass a hotel one vomit begins to cry
“What’s wrong” asked the other vomit.
“That’s where l was brought up”.
Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Paddy and Mick board a flight home to Dublin from Gatwick Airport.
The plane takes off smoothly and the Captain announces that the flight from London to Dublin with take 1 hour.
Paddy and Mick settle in their seats when about 10 minutues into the flight the captain announces "Just to let you know, we're having problems with engine no. 1. Unfortunately the flight will now take 2 hours."
"Damn!" says Paddy "I told me brother to meet us at the airport. Oh, well. He'll just have to wait the extra hour."
Another 10 minutes into the flight, the captain makes another announcement. "Sorry to inform you but engine 2 is also out of action. We'll now be 4 hours into Dublin."
"Well, there goes our ■■■■■■ lift." says Paddy. "He won't want to wait now."
Half an hour goes by and the captain makes another announcement. "Unfortunately we've now got another problem. Engine 3 is no longer functioning. We will land in Dublin in 6 hours. We apologise for the delay."
"Oh, ■■■■" exclaims Mick. "If engine 4 goes we'll be up here all ■■■■■■ night!"
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ‘Dat’s dem.’
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
‘Yeah, we’ll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,’ says Gerry…
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry’s truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass…
At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ‘Dis looks like a grand place…’
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘■■■■ dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too ■■■■’n dangerous for me!’
THERE’S MORE. …
Moment’s later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
He’s been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other…
‘Hi, Paddy, watch dis,’ Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, ‘And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either!’
IT IS NOT OVER YET…
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He’s also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. ‘■■■■ dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting… And now Sean and his ■■■■’n hengliding!’
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In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said,
"You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted,
"Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the Witch Doctor to fark off."
A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.
She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.
'Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?'
Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?'
When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mum a few months later.
This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.
Same exchange with Mum...same 'Won it at bingo!' Colleen returns to the bright lights again.
A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo.
Then she asks Mum to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.
When Colleen gets to the bathroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bath.
Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mum being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs -
'Mum! sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'
'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mum.
'But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?'
A man is walking along a street in Ireland and some guy comes up behind him with a knife and says in a strong Irish accent, "Are ya Protestant or Catholic?!"
Knowing that either answer could get him killed he tries a safe option and says "Jewish!"
The other man says "well then, I must be the luckiest Muslim in all of Ireland!"
Never trust an atom..they make up everything.
How often do i make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
The other day i told one...there was no reaction.
So neon walks into a bar and the bartender says "we don't serve noble gases" neon doesn't react.