A scarecrow just won the Nobel prize.
Apparently he was out-standing in his field.
I used to sell fake paintings.
One day the police raided my house and I made the mistake of shouting,
"It's not what it looks like".
Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, looking into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'"
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible."
"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining."
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."
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Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .
Since her new husband is so old,Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert. Again he is ready for more 'action'.
Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
A duck waddles into a bar and asks the barman ‘have you got any peanuts?’ The barman says ‘no’ and the duck waddles out.
Twenty minutes later the duck waddles back in and asks the barman ‘have you got any peanuts?’ The barman says ‘no’ and the duck waddles out.
Twenty minutes later the duck waddles back in and asks the barman ‘have you got any peanuts?’ The barman, somewhat annoyed now, says ‘No!’ and the duck waddles out.
Twenty minutes later the duck waddles back in and asks the barman ‘have you got any peanuts?’. The barman, angry now, says ‘No! And the next time you come in here asking for peanuts I am going to nail your beak to the bar! Now get out of here!’. The duck waddles out.
Twenty minutes later the duck waddles back into the bar and asks the barman ‘have you got any nails?’. The barman says ‘no’ and the duck asks …
‘Have you got any peanuts?’
A guy walks into the psychiatrist naked from the waist down.
The psychiatrist looks him up and down, strokes his beard and says ‘I can clearly see your* nuts’
*‘you’re’ - the importance of spelling
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
What do Attila the Hun and Winnie the Pooh have in common?..
They have the same middle name!
A shark is swimming along the sea bed and comes across a human & chips shop (yes, at the bottom of the ocean they sell human & chips not fish & chips),
There is an octopus behind the counter. The shark nods at the octopus and looks up at the menu board. On the top of the board he sees ‘Aussie & Chips - $1.80’ and immediately beneath this he sees ‘■■■ & Chips - $2,30’.
Bemused, he asks the octopus, 'Mate, how come ■■■ & Chips cost 50 cents more that ‘Aussie & Chips’? The octopus says, ‘Well … we have to go a fair way to get them, they are really quick and because they are smaller than the Aussies we need more to make a meal’.
'‘Fair enough’ ( or should that be fare enough) says the shark, who then looks further down the board and sees ‘Eskimo & Chips - $5.20’.
‘Eskimos?’ asks the shark. ‘Well’, says the octopus, ‘we have to go halfway around the world to get Eskimos and because there are not many of them the quotas are low’. ‘I see’, says the shark.
The shark’s eyes continue down the list, past ‘Yank & Chips - $3.20’ and ‘Kiwi $ Chups - $1.90’ all the way to the bottom where he sees ‘Pommie & Chips - $10.50’.
‘Pommie & Chips - $10.50!!!’ exclaims the shark. ‘Wot the? There’s 60 million of them, they’re as big as the Aussies and easy to catch!’ How come Pommie & Chips cost $10.50???
The octopus looks at the shark and with a wry grin says, ‘Have you ever tried cleaning one of those b*ggers?’
The past the present an the future walk into a bar....
it was tense.
The past the present an the future walk into a bar....
it was tense.
I hear that camping too can be intense
*someone shoot me
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and use some lube.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you‘re out of the office?
I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill.
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
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How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
Zero!
What did '0' say to '8'?
nice belt :)
And why was '6' sad?
Because he had clinical depression.
And why was '6' sad?
Because he had clinical depression.
It used to be because 7, 8, 9 but i like this one better :)
What did '0' say to '8'?
nice belt :)
Looks like AN#10 has a new challenger for worst dad jokes.
Quasimodo was walking through the streets of Paris late one night when he was stopped by a gendarme.
"Where are you going at this late hour Quasimodo? and what are those lumps in your pockets?" asked the gendarme.
"Nothing sir" replied Quasimodo "just photos of the wife and kids".
Quasimodo came downstairs one morning and noticed his wife had a wok in her hands.
"Are we having stir-fry for breakfast?" he asked.
"No", said his wife, "I'm just going to iron your shirt dear."
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