Red and Black Humour

The boss had to fire somebody and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
' Could you jack off?' she said, 'I feel like ■■■■ today.'

1 Like

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to John that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, John uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'.
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.'How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' John replies. I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat John says, 'Worked for your ■■■, didn't it?'
John's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue
to take his meals through a straw.

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

 

Is that a trick question??

2 Likes

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go to bed with them. They said it would be like winning the lottery.

 

I agreed and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, found we had 6 matching balls.

2 Likes

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy Citibank!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase Microsoft!"
They then all wait for the Jew to speak...
The Jew stirs his coffee, places the spoon neatly on the table, takes a sip of his coffee, looks at them and casually says:  "I'm not selling!!"

2 Likes

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts farting continuously.

 

“That‘s disgusting!” shouts the girl.

 

“It‘s the dog,” proclaims the guy.

 

“Don‘t blame him,” she replies, “he was cooked perfectly.”

2 Likes

Edinburgh man Wullie McTavish is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, and is with the nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Braid Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the flats over in Morningside and Bruntsfield."
"Tam, I want you to take the offices in
Charlotte Square."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings in the New Town."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Wullie slips away, she says, "Mrs. McTavish, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the ■■■■■■■ has a paper round!"

Q. Who is the funniest man to ever climb Mt Everest.

A. Sir Edmund Hilarity

1 Like

Shakespeare walks into a bar and orders a beer

Barman says ‘No! You’re bard’

1 Like

After the ASADA / AFL l am emotionally constipated. l haven't given a ■■■■ about things for days. 

Why did Mr Ohm marry Ms Ohm?

He couldn’t resistor!

1 Like

l can't vouch for the legitimacy of all of these, but apparently these are real, l can see how they could be. 

 

Some spelling mistakes from tweets etc. Poetic licence has been used as well.  

 

1. Ellen DeGeneres.

Watching ellen the generous.

I freakin love Ellen the generes. She‘s awesome.

 

2. Ramen.

l want to eat some raw man noodles but that will ruin my diet.

Can l buy real man noodles here?

 

3. Ceiling.

Like the sealing can‘t hold us.

So we put are hands up like the sealing can‘t hold us!

 

4. Mick Jagger.

Harry is McJagger bye.

 

5. No Offence.

l just have a gate, no offence.

l don‘t have a ugly Christmas sweater. And no a fence to anyone

but l‘m not going to waste money and time to buy one.

 

6. ■■■■■■.

I turn 13 today ladies time for my first organism.

 

7. Ornaments.

My favorite thing to do is lay under the christmas

Tree and look up at all the ordinance. lt looks like

an enchanted forest.

 

8. Might as well.

Might as whale.

 

9. For all intents and purposes.

For all intensive purposes l‘m done for the year.

For all in tents and porpoises l am finished.

 

10. Valedictorian.

Don‘t know how l went from Valid Victorian

to being one of the dumbest kids in Houston.

 

I feel sorry for who is ever valid Victorian for my class.

l wouldn‘t want to represent these f**k heads.  

 

 

11. Mockery.

Our generation has made a mochary of marriage.

 

12. Lactose Intolerant.

l can‘t eat dairy anymore. I think l‘m lack toast and tolerant.

 

13. Virginity.

Imma lose my vaginity this song, l swear.

 

14. Filet Mignon.

Flaminyon with keptchup.. l‘m weird.

 

15. Chicken cordon bleu.

Just had some of the best chicken court on blue ever. F**k yeah!

 

16. Gnome.

Next door has a knome with a sensor so everytime you walk

past it the knome whistles but it‘s so pressure sensitive the wind sets it off.

 

17. Sugarcoat.

I just be real l don‘t sugar code or beat around the brush for what

I‘m not rude, l just don‘t sugar code things.

 

18. Fiancé.

My dad gave me the car and his feyonce just took it.

Can‘t wait until l marry my Feyonce.

 

19. Vicariously.

I have movies that l can bicuriously live through.

I always live bicuriously through everyone else‘s

breakfast, lunch and dinner.

 

20. Diabetes.

Might of got die of beaties today.

I just found out l have die of beaties… is this a good thing?

 

21. Pay homage.

Ne-Yo was paying amish to Rick James with those thig-highs

also cute @bey paying amish to kylie during her performance

 

 

Have a great festive season Blitzers.

Kids are not as interested in the toy as in the box it came out of.

 

Funny...because that's how most guys feel about kids.

Q: In the time of King Arthur, how did the Knights decide on having a round table?

A: The had a Sir conference.

Christmas cracker?

Christmas cracker?

yes

Very, very bad.  I love it.

A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary. They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love.
He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than you were when we started to date!"
She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago!"

I pointed to two old farts across the bar from us to my friend Frank and said "that'll be us in 10 years' time"

 

Frank said "that's a mirror, you dumb ****"