Red and Black Humour


#221

Ben McDevitt walks into a bar with a frog on his head.

The barman asks, 'What's all that about, then?'

The frog replies, 'This?  It started off as a pimple on my ■■■■.'


#222

Everyone keeps saying Lady Diana was so great, just because she shook hands with a few AIDS patients.

Freddie Mercury used to have sex with them.


#223

Everyone keeps saying Lady Diana was so great, just because she shook hands with a few AIDS patients.
Freddie Mercury used to have sex with them.

Too soon?

#224

My Aunty is a real freak. You go to her house and she has all of these pictures EVERYWHERE of Lady Diana.

 

It's really creepy, especially since they are all from after the car crash.


#225

What's Forrest Gump's computer password?

 

1forrest1


#226

What's Forrest Gump's computer password?
 
1forrest1

What about OJ's?
Slash slash backslash escape

#227

sick sick man

im using it.


#228

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day..
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest to find the strongest man in the world.."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,

"How did you make out?""
First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the f
&@# is OSCAR PISTORIUS?" asked Pinocchio


#229

OLD people  have problems that you haven't
even considered yet! 
  
An 85-year-old man was requested by his 
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his  physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a  jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a ■■■■■  sample
tomorrow.' 

The next day  the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the  jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the 
previous day. 

The doctor  asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing.   Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing..

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your 
neighbor?'   


The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get
the jar open.'

 





#230

Have you heard the one about the constipated accountant?

He had to work it out with a pencil.


#231

A reply to: @tinhillterror regarding QuoteLink

Have you heard the one about the constipated accountant?

He had to work it out with a pencil.

And he couldn’t budget.

Nor could the constipated mathematician.
He tried to work it out with logs.

PS do people know what logarithms are these days?


#232

A reply to: @Alan_Noonan_10 regarding QuoteLink

A reply to: @tinhillterror regarding

PS do people know what logarithms are these days?

Drum beats played by lumberjacks?


#233

So I heard that the hackers “Anonymous” are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda…

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists now!


#234

What’s the definition of a will?

No one? Come on guys, it’s a dead giveaway.


#235

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!”

I said, “Wow!”

Then her friend said, “She means 6663629.”


#236

What’s the difference between a Tuna, a Piano and Glue?

You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna


#237

Quoted Post

What's the difference between a Tuna, a Piano and Glue?

You can tuna piano but you can’t piano a tuna


I still remember that from DBZ. When Tien tried to make King Kai laugh. Oh, those were the days.

#238

Family Court Ruling from Perth Western Australia
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Fremantle Dockers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.


#239

After the first paragraph I skipped to the end to see if it was the same joke re-used for the 1000th time to mock a sporting team that is currently playing ■■■■.

It was


#240
After the first paragraph I skipped to the end to see if it was the same joke re-used for the 1000th time to mock a sporting team that is currently playing ■■■■.

It was

Doesn’t make it any less valid.