Red and Black Humour


#241

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
“Really?” she said. “Go on then … try.”
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
“Come on,” she demanded, “What day was I born on?”
“Yesterday?” I replied.


#242
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really?" she said. "Go on then ... try." After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?" "Yesterday?" I replied.

Lol. Oldie but a good one.

Wonder if anyone has actually tried that.


#243

A 34-year-old man from Southend has been telling our Chief Reporter about how he has lost his job after he asked a tattooist for ‘that guy from The Jam’ and it ended in disaster – his leg now has an image of the racially controversial Golliwog from Robinson’s Jam instead of his music idol Paul Weller.

Paul Inkin told Southend News Network that he regrets not clarifying his choice with the head tattooist of Knuckles and Buckles Tattoo Parlour in Victoria Road, Southend.

He said: ‘I went in there last week and asked the guy for ‘that guy from The Jam’ and he looked at me like I was an idiot – I assumed it was because he hadn’t heard of Going Underground and That’s Entertainment.’

‘It only took him about an hour, and when he finished he covered it with a bandage and I went on my way. I took a sneak peek when I got home and my heart sank when I saw that my leg was emblazoned with the Golliwog character from Robinson’s Jam.’

‘I work for a community outreach programme in Hackney in London, and when my boss caught a glimpse of it I was dismissed on the spot as in his words ‘I would get lynched’ – I am now finding it tricky to get new work.’


#244

Two Indian druggies mistakenly snorted curry powder instead of cocaine, and both were admitted to hospital.

One is in a korma, and the other one’s tikka has packed up.


#245

This bloke said to me, 'l’m going to hit you with the neck of this guitar!"
I said, “Is that a fret?”


#246
This bloke said to me, 'l'm going to hit you with the neck of this guitar!" I said, "Is that a fret?"
Jesus!

#247

A man got stopped by a Game Warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No sir, these are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How’s that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that’s just a crock of lies!!
Man: Here I’ll show you … (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: Well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later…
Warden: Well??
Man: What?
Warden: The fish!! Where’s your pet fish??
Man: What fish??


#248

A mate of mine has two tickets to the Grand Final, box seats with all food and drink included. Unfortunately he didn’t realize that the Grand Final is on at the same time as his wedding, so he can’t go. If anyone is interested, and want to go instead of him, it’s at St. Peter’s Church, toorak Rd. Toorak, at 3 PM. Her name is Louise.


#249
A mate of mine has two tickets to the Grand Final, box seats with all food and drink included. Unfortunately he didn't realize that the Grand Final is on at the same time as his wedding, so he can't go. If anyone is interested, and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, toorak Rd. Toorak, at 3 PM. Her name is Louise.

Lol, keep 'em coming CJ? This thread has been laying flat for too long.


#250

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, ‘I think I’m gonna divorce my wife - she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.’
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, ‘Better think it over … women like that are hard to find.’


#251

This bloke is having a drink in a pub and notices a really good-looking Chinese girl staring at him. So eventually he plucks up the courage and goes over to speak to her. They get on famously and eventually leave the pub. As they approach the Chinese girl’s house she asks him if she wants to come in for a coffee.
‘Err, ok’ replies the bloke and they both enter the house. The minute they get inside, the Chinese girl starts dancing erotically and undressing herself. She then whispers seductively, ‘I will do anything you want me to do’.
To this the bloke responds, ‘I would like a 69, please’.
To which the Chinese girl replies, ‘There’s no way I’m getting the wok out at this time of night!’


#252

This one is a bit too obvious…
An overweight guy was watching TV. A commercial came on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking ‘what the hell’, signed up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman was standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that read, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he saw her, she ran off. He tried to catch her, but was unsuccessful. This continued for a week, at the end of which, the man had lost 10 pounds.
After this he tried the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman was standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happened with her as the first woman, except he almost caught her. This continued for a week, at the end of which he, as promised, weighed 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decided to do the ultimate programme. Before signing up, he was required to sign a waiver and was warned about the intensity of this plan. He signed up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, was a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!” …


#253

T: How old is your father?
S: He’s 6 years old.
T: What ? How is that possible?
S: He became a father only after l was born.

T: Maria, go to the board and find Normay.
Maria: Here it is.
T: Correct. Now class, who discovered Norway?
Class: Maria.

T: Glenn, how do you spell crocodile?
Glenn: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L.
T: No, that’s wrong
Glenn: Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked how l spell it.

T: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
Donald: H I J K L M N O
T: What are you talking about?
Donald: Yesterday you said it H to O.

T: Clyde, your composition on My Dog, is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
Clyde: No, sir, it’s the same dog.


#254

This is an old one. Not as old as l am, but almost. It will be new for some of the younger Blitzers.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he can buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks: “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in '62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in '62, too! What street were you brought up in”
“Drumcondra Street,” says the second/
“Wow, this is amazin’ - so was I,” says the first. “Another round?”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Kinly twins are drunk again.”


#255

Did you hear the one about Dracula and the prostitute she went down for the count tish boom thank you


#256

For dark joke lovers

Statistically speaking 9/10 people enjoy gang rape

A husband and wife are chatting she asks how long after I am dead will you wait before having sex. he responds by saying 25 years she impressed by this gives him the best sex ever. Telling his mates at the pub this story they ask why 25 years. He says that’s the going rate for murder

What’s the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne usually waits till the boy is 12 to ■■■ on his face


#257

Oh dear.

I did chuckle at a couple of them. Don’t read below if you are easily offended about priest jokes.

They are making a new exorcist movie. It’s where the mother calls the devil to get a priest out of her boy.

Well, this really is black humour I guess.


#258
Oh dear.

I did chuckle at a couple of them. Don’t read below if you are easily offended about priest jokes.

They are making a new exorcist movie. It’s where the mother calls the devil to get a priest out of her boy.

Well, this really is black humour I guess.

Guess I like black humour


#259
Oh dear.

I did chuckle at a couple of them. Don’t read below if you are easily offended about priest jokes.

They are making a new exorcist movie. It’s where the mother calls the devil to get a priest out of her boy.

Well, this really is black humour I guess.

Guess I like black humour

Racist


#260

A very sad day yesterday. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all those years training, endless hours studying, numerous exams and loads of money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent Vet.