Red and Black Humour

[Captain_Jack]

A variation on an old theme here.

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of that species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators were told about Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to screw the gorilla for five hundred dollars? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer,but only under three conditions.

“First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

“Well,” said Mike, “you’ve gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks.”

[Captain_Jack]

Today marks six weeks without sugar. Running 5 miles a day…no meat, dairy or flour. No caffeine! The change has been fantastic! I feel great! Zero alcohol! A healthy diet, a healthy VEGAN diet, gluten free, caffeine-free, sugar-free, and a 2-hour workout everyday.

I don’t know whose status this is, but I was really proud of them. So I decided to copy and paste.

[Captain_Jack]

George Bush became very sick and died. He went to Hell where the Lucifer was waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, and I have to find what to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”

George Bush thought that sounded good enough so he agreed.

Then Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .”

Then Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

Then Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and his legs spread. Monica Lewinsky was on her knees, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

Then Lucifer smiled and said, “Okay Monica, you’re free to go!”

[Alan_Noonan_10]

I had to change my computer password the other day. I tried ‘BeefStew’ then ‘HungarianGoulash’. But it rejected both. Neither of them were Stroganoff.

[Shelton10]

Hmmm. That pun is not strong enough either.

[Yossarian]

Made my wife some panxakes for shrove Tuesday, but she wasn’t impressed. “These are too thin” she said dumping them in the bin, “I’m not putting up with this crepe”

[Captain_Jack]

ne day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Fred replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thinks for a moment and says, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Fred replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

[Captain_Jack]

Chemist Hanzo, Astrophysicist Frost and an Electrical Engineer Saito had all been sentenced to death and were on death row waiting to go to the electric chair.

Finally, the day had come. Hanzo the chemist was due to go first.

As he strapped him in, the Jack Ketch asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”

Hanzo replied, “No, do what you have to do…” so the executioner flicked the switch but nothing happened. According to this State’s law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner has to be released. So Hanzo was unstrapped and allowed to walk free.

It was the Astrophysicist Frost’s turn next.

As he was being strapped in, the executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”

Frost replied, “No, just get on with it” so the Jack Ketch flicked the switch, but once again nothing happened. So, just like the Chemist, the Astrophysicist was released.

Then the Electrical Engineer Saito was brought forward.

The executioner asked him, “Do you have anything you want to say?”

Saito replied, “Yes. If you swap the brown and the white wires over, you might just make this thing work.”

[Gwilty]

An old country preacher has a teenage son, and as it is gittin’ time the boy stop his moochin’ and choose a profession, the old man decides to try an experiment. While he’s at school, he goes into his room and places on the bed, a bible, a $20 note, a bottle of whiskey, a copy of Penthouse.
“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher says to himself, “and when he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up. If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me. If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum! And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he’ll be a womaniser all his life!”
The old man waits anxiously, and soon hears his son’s footsteps as he enters the house whistling and heads for his room. The boy tosses his bag by the door, and as he turns to leave the room spots the objects on the be bed. First, he picks up the Bible and without reading a word places it ostentatiously under his arm. Then he picks up the $20 note and tucks it quickly into his his pocket, before uncorking the bottle to have a massive swig . . . even while settling down to ogle the magazine’s centerfold.
“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispers, “He’s gonna run for Parliament, and will probably end up leading the Nats!”

[Captain_Jack]

I bought my wife a pair of shoes. She was giving my my reward when I commented that she was a lot more energetic than usual. Turned out she was trying on her shoes at the same time.

[BLOODSTAINED_DEVILS]

[Mackster]

Just got one of those Amazon Echo things.
Hey Alexa - tell us a joke.

What’s got 44 arms and legs but can’t climb ladders?

Essendon

[Yossarian]

So Julie the Sultana has been cheating on her husband with Steve the Raisin.

Just keeping you up to date with currant affairs.

[Koala]

so Mickey Mouse is in divorce court.

The judge says “Mickey, you say you want to divorce Minnie because she’s gone insane?”

Mickey says “No. I didn’t say she’s gone insane.
.
.
.
.
.
I said she’s f%#$ing Goofy”

[Mackster]

[Alan_Noonan_10]

Corny! Said with a wry smile.

[Alan_Noonan_10]

Gave a hitchhiker a lift the other day.

He said “you’re game, how do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
Me…”I did stats at uni and the odds of there being two serial killers in the same car are ridiculous”

[SCarey]

Apparently a true story I heard on some grammar/ language segment on ABC radio.

The Post Graduate student was taken aback when she heard her English Professor, who she thought fairly broad minded, cursing at something he was reading…

“Polyamorous, how disgusting!”

“What do you mean Professor? Some people love more than one person.”

“Yes, but Greek prefix, followed by a Latin suffix …”

[Alan_Noonan_10]

Unforgivable!

[SCarey]

I was thinking of you when I was posting it.