Red and Black Humour


#421

i dont think so. says his guitarist Reggie Young died yesterday…


#422

Read the thread title.


#423

thought it was celebrity deaths thread… oh well. back to the drawing board


#424

Sameolds second sentence kinda gave it away.


#425

yeah but he didnt think about the fact that im an idiot


#426

GOOD NEWS: I’ve just been presented with a Duke of Edinburgh Award.

BAD NEWS: It was by my driving instructor.


#427

Some British Tommies were caught by an SS division just outside Dunkirk. In order to make them talk and disclose the British positions, they were buried up to their necks in sand, as the tide began coming in. One colonel in the SS came over the soldiers and said to them, “Shake your heads from side to side and say tick, tock.” The Tommies all complied except one who laid over on his left ear and just said, “tick, tick, tick.” The officer clearly agitated came over to the Tommy and ordered him again, but once more the Tommy refused, and just laid on one side repeating, " tick, tick, tick." The officer grew furious and bending down, screamed at the hapless soldier, “We have ways of making you tock!”


#428

G
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:wink:


#429

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on UK television with British TV host Anne Diamond.

He used the word "manyana" (pronounced "man -yana"). Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.

He said that the term means: "Maybe the job will be done tomorrow; Maybe the next day; Maybe the day after that; Or perhaps next week; Next month; Next year. Who really cares?

The host turned to Albert Yatapingu from the Gumbaingeri Tribe who was also on the show. She asked him if there was an equivalent term in his native language.

Nah he replied. "In Australia we don’t have a word to describe that degree of urgency.


#430

Or even…mañana


#431

#432

#433

thats a trap lost 1/2 hr watching funny videos. especially mr bean


#434

At the Coliseum the Christians were herded into the middle of the arena, where they were buried up to their necks in sand. Nero called out, “Release the lions,” and a dozen ravenous beasts were let loose. One old lion spotted one of the hapless, trapped men. Slowly the old cat made its way towards the immobile man, who gulped and was sweating profusely. The lion stopped a few meters away, got down on its haunches and began to drool as it swished its tail. Then it pounced. As it did so the condemned man rolled over on his ear, avoided the leaping cat, and then stretched his neck as far up as he could and bit the lion on the balls. The lion rolled over and over, howling in pain.

The crowd erupted, howling. " Boo. Boo. Fight fair, you dirty Christian ■■■■■■■."


#435

I broke up with my girlfriend after she lost an eye in car accident. “I had no idea you were so shallow.” she said…

I politely reminded her that she is not in the ideal position to judge depth perception.


#436

A woman was having sex with her lover in her apartment, 20 storeys high. Suddenly she heard her husband arrive.
She told her lover, ‘stay like a statue and not to move’.
Husband: “Who is this?”
Wife: “This is a robot I bought to have sex with me whenever u travel”.
Husband: “Ok let’s have sex now”
Wife: "No sweetheart, yesterday I got my period. So I will go & make a cup of
coffee for you.
After she left the husband said “Damn it I’m so ■■■■■, I will screw this robot from behind!” He tried screwing. The lover started talking in a robotic way: “SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE! SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE”.
Husband: “Damn! robot is not working properly. I’m throwing it out of the window”.
The lover realised that he was on the 20th floor so he said:
“SOFTWARE UPDATED…
PLEASE TRY AGAIN”


#437

This really belongs in the Science thread.

Stem cell research has advanced so far that scientists have now cloned human vocal cords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.


#438

Sure as hell doesn’t belong in the joke thread


#439