Red and Black Humour

According to Jimmy Carr, the Catholic church think pedophilia is Ok because it’s in the Bible.

According to Matthew 12, Luke 10 and John 8.

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Heard the one about Essendon winning a final in 2019?

Q: What do you call a 29 year old, single, female, Collingwood supporter?
A: Grandma.

Q: What does that same supporter say while she is having sex?
A: Get off me dad, you’re crushing my cigarettes.

I heard this morning that there’s a festival for fogies in Cobar, NSW (east of Broken Hill on the Barrier Hwy) called the Grey Mardi Gras.

The suggestion was made to have some old actors turn up, and then it would be the Grey and Thespian Mardi Gras.

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Q: What do you get in a room full of Pies supporters?
A: A full set of teeth.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go.
Others, whenever they go.

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There’s a lot of happiness when ever I come.

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Umpires on ANZAC day.

This is the jokes thread isn’t it?

Stop bragging.

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.
‘This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.’
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.
‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different c.o.c.k,’ he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

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The filter has ruined the joke

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Q. What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

A. Banned from the petting zoo

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One day a lizard was walking through the forest when he sees a monkey in a tree. The lizard says “ what are you doing monkey?” Monkey replied “ I’m having a few bongs! Do you want a bong lizard?”
The lizard thinks about it and says “ yeah sure”. The lizard climbs up the tree and has a few bongs with the monkey. Next thing, they are both stoned as hell. The lizard says “ I’m really thirsty monkey, want to come to the water hole?” Monkey “ no thanks lizard, I’m going to have a few more bongs”.
When the lizard gets to the water hole, he falls in and a big :crocodile: grabs the lizard and says “ what’s wrong, why did you fall in to the water lizard?” Lizard “ I’ve been smoking bongs with a monkey in that tree there”. While having a drink, the :crocodile: goes over to the tree and says “ hey monkey”, the monkey looks around and says “ ■■■■■■ hell! How much water did you drink lizard?”

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Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.

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Teacher:

Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 kings who have brought happiness and peace into people’s lives ?

Little Johnny:

Drin-king, Smo-king and Fuc-king.

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We have probably had this one here before, certain’y it has been around for a long time, but still good.

Aussie: “That your dog?”
Kiwi: “Yeah bro”
Aussie: “Mind if I speak to him?’
Kiwi: “Dogs don’t talk.”
Aussie: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doing all right.”
Kiwi: (look of shock)
Aussie : “Is this your owner?” (Pointing at the Kiwi)
Dog: “Yep.”
Aussie: “How’s he treating ya?"
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park a couple of times a week to play.”
Kiwi: (Look of total disbelief!)
Aussie: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Kiwi: “Chur bro, but horses don’t talk.”
Aussie : “Hey horse how’s it going?”
Horse: “Cool.”
Kiwi: (Extreme look of shock!)
Aussie : “Is this your owner?” (Pointing to the Kiwi)
Horse: “Yep.”
Aussie : “How’s he treating ya?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather.”
Kiwi : (Look of total amazement!)
Aussie : "Mind if I talk to your sheep?

Kiwi: "That sheep’s a ■■■■■■■ liar!!”

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Wears gum boots.

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My mate got a bit drunk last week and told his wife she should shave her ■■■■. Next morning he woke up bald

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Knock!
Who’s there?
Knock!
Who’s there?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Knock, knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock!
Oh, ■■■■ off, Fibonacci!

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I asked a Kiwi friend how many sex partners he’d had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

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