An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one asks for a pint of beer, the second asks for half a pint, the third asks for a quarter of a pint, the fourth asks for an eighth of a pint…
The barman puts his hand up and says ‘stop right there’, pours them two pints of beer and says ‘this should cover it lads’
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one asks for a pint of beer, the second asks for half a pint, the third asks for a quarter of a pint, the fourth asks for an eighth of a pint....
The barman puts his hand up and says 'stop right there', pours them two pints of beer and says 'this should cover it lads'
I like this one, I need to go back and check my maths, but it sounds familiar.
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick?
It doesn't matter where you drop her off.
We have had the following on here before, but BBlitz has probably melted down twice since then.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are - my - test - results - back?"
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One day,in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike,"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Aldi."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Aldi,eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.(Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
"Sure", they said, "you're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The ■■■■■!"
He turned to the hit man. "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his ■■■■ off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save you a grand here."
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I was driving through the country the other day when I passed a sign on a farm gate that said “talking dog for sale”
Intrigued, I decided to stop and check it out.
I drove drove down the drive and pulled up at the farmhouse.
The farmer answered the door and I asked him about his talking dog.
“Yeah, he talks” said the farmer “had him for 3 years now, he’s just out in the shed if you want to take a look”
So out I went to the shed to see this dog. It was a pretty old looking kelpie and I although I felt pretty stupid talking to this dog, I asked “so you’re the talking dog?”
I was gob smacked to hear the dog reply “yes, that’s me, the dog that talks”
I asked the dog how long he had been talking
“Oh since I was about 2 years old” said the dog
I asked him how long he had been on the farm and he started to tell me about his life.
“I used to work for ASIO” he told me “I would wonder around important meetings and coffee shops and pick up bits of information that I would relay back to the boss. But I go sick of that and went to work for the Feds. I would hang around the bikie groups sussing out drug deals but I got sick of that and bikie dogs are really thick so I threw that in as well. Went to work for customs for a while in airports then on a Russian fishing trawler for 12 months. Russian, now there’s a ■■■■■■ hard language to learn! Eventually I ended up on this farm. It’s been nice here but it’s time to move on I suppose.”
After we finished talking I went back to the farmer and told him I would like to buy his dog and asked him how much he wanted for the dog.
“$25” he said
“$25” I repeated, shocked “are you sure? It’s a dog that talks not just any old dog!!!”
“Yeah $25” said the farmer “He’s a liar that dog. Believe me, he hasn’t done half the things he told you.”
I was in a ■■■■■ Cinema the other day. Just as the feature started the guy behind me shouted "You're disgusting". I just ignored him.
Anyway another guy shouted "You should be F*cking ashamed of yourself. I turned round and said "Look we're all here for the same thing, you're as bad as me".
But when a third called me a F*cking Sick ■■■■■■■ I said.............. "Right thats it, come on kids we're going home"
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands. For instance if they are clasped tightly around your throat, she is probably a little upset.
That last one from 'Boot is absolute quality. Gold!
did you hear the one about the vampire and the hooker?
she went down for the count.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going downstairs?
A condescending con descending
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a goat sitting next to him.
"Are you a goat?" asked the man, surprised.
"Yes."
"What are you doing at the movies?"
The goat replied, "Well, I liked the book."
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
*sorry
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
*sorry
Oh man. This is a classic one with my kids. They have refined it though to "what's brown and stinky? THE HAWKS!
They Rang their hawks supporting uncle on loud speaker just to tell him, you could hear how ■■■■■■ off he was, then the kids just laughed at him and hung up. How awesome are my kids?!
Oh man. This is a classic one with my kids. They have refined it though to "what's brown and stinky? THE HAWKS!What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
*sorry
They Rang their hawks supporting uncle on loud speaker just to tell him, you could hear how ■■■■■■ off he was, then the kids just laughed at him and hung up. How awesome are my kids?!
My kids used to laugh at my jokes, now I laugh at their jokes :(
lol...
A man goes into his son‘s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare – the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son‘s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies. One week later, the man again goes into his son‘s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare – the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn‘t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk. Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. “Good God, Dear,†he proclaims, “I‘ve just had the worst day of my entire life!†She responds, “You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning.â€
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool"
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"
WIFE: "In the pool"
LOLZ