Justin Bieber goes to jail.
He scrawls Free JB on the cell wall.
Then learns his cellmate is dyslexic.
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A grizzled old Marine is seated next to a prissy minister on a long flight.
The stewardess comes round for drink orders, and the Marine orders a Wild Turkey.
The minister purses his lips in disgust and says "I'd rather be raped by a group of savage harlots than let liquor pass my lips".
The Marine hands back his drink and says "so would I. I didn't know we had a choice"
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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded.
"Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
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At the end of the tax year, the ATO sent a tax inspector to audit the books of the local hospital. While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Punworthy.
Metaphors be with you.
Psychic fair cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
I‘m a frayed knot.
Never try to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac, as they take things literally.
A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but l‘ve never met herbivore.
l didn‘t like my new beard at first, but it grew on me.
Frank decided not to tell anymore German sausage jokes, because they are the worst.
It‘s not that l can‘t juggle, it‘s just that l don‘t have the balls to do it.
Captain Phillips trapped on a container ship, is a freight worse than death.
Velcro, what a rip off!
Tried to catch some fog today but I mist it.
Class trip to the Pepsi cola factory tomorrow, looking forward to the pop quiz!
My brother just got fired from his job as a lollipop man for stealing from work! I should've known, all the signs were there.
Flew over a desert island the other day and saw the letters SOS spelt out on the beach. Not really sure what they were apologizing for!
Broken pencils are pointless.
Punworthy.
Metaphors be with you.
Psychic fair cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
I‘m a frayed knot.
Never try to explain a pun to a kleptomaniac, as they take things literally.
A girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian restaurant, but l‘ve never met herbivore.
l didn‘t like my new beard at first, but it grew on me.
Frank decided not to tell anymore German sausage jokes, because they are the worst.
It‘s not that l can‘t juggle, it‘s just that l don‘t have the balls to do it.
Captain Phillips trapped on a container ship, is a freight worse than death.
Velcro, what a rip off!
Tried to catch some fog today but I mist it.
Class trip to the Pepsi cola factory tomorrow, looking forward to the pop quiz!
My brother just got fired from his job as a lollipop man for stealing from work! I should've known, all the signs were there.
Flew over a desert island the other day and saw the letters SOS spelt out on the beach. Not really sure what they were apologizing for!
Broken pencils are pointless.
Not sharing the seafood is very shellfish of you.
I made love to a psychaitrist the other night.
She said "Well that was good for you, how do think it went for me?"
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared,
'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don't you go give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murkywater, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the 'gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration... "■■■■■■■■■■■■■■!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!
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One for Mendozaaaa
I hate the way they take advantage of everybody on Valentine's Day.
I just paid $120 for 2 Rohypnol.
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede.
Which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to the pub for a drink with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go down the pub with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again,
"How about going down to the pub with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's box and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to the pub with me?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my ■■■■■■■ shoes on!"
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's goi...ng to be a place to test 'Balance.'"
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things..."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a heart shaped island and said "What's that one?"
"That's Essendon , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful trees and gardens, a beautiful river, and days filled with sunshine. The people from Essendon are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked "But what about balance, God? You said there would be 'balance.'"
God smiled. "I will create Carlton, Wait till you see the idiots I'll put there!"
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Classic Billy Connolly right there.Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".
"Sure", they said, "you're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom".
"Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The *****!"
He turned to the hit man. "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his ■■■■ off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . . "I think I can save you a grand here."
A man received the following text from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I‘ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you‘re not around. In fact, more than you. I‘m not getting any at home, but that‘s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won‘t happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant “wifiâ€, not “wifeâ€.
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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied,
"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Dear West Geelong Primary School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon.
I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.
I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but she would never let me listen to it.
She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably,wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces.
It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to ■■■■ off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Sincerely,
Edna
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?‘
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are na whut they used ta be.'
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.
The Italian said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop, for five minutes."
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop, for five minutes."
The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."
The Aussie said:
"That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love, and I made her scream for two long hours."
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ...wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied ,
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.</span></span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old </span></span></span>white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. </p>
<p>The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and </p>
<p>public intoxication.</p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way </span></span></span>home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know </p>
<p>how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.</p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked </span></span></span>out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole </p>
<p>in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.</p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching </span></span></span>police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor</p>
<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">approached the side of his car.</span></span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'</span></span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached </span></span></span>Lawrence.</p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'</span></span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:</span></span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><strong><span style="color:#000000;">'A pumpkin? ■■■■ ... is it midnight already?</span></strong><span style="color:#000000;">' </span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.</span></span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="color:#000000;">The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as: 'Best come-back line ever.'</span> </span></span></p>
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Australian Personal Ad
If this guy is not in advertising then he should be.
What great copy!!!
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<p><strong><em><span style="color:rgb(102,0,0);">An ad found in the</span></em></strong><strong><em><span style="color:rgb(102,0,0);"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;"> Canberra Times, Personal Section :</span></span></em></strong></p>
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<p><strong><em><span style="color:rgb(102,0,0);"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!</span></span></em></strong><br><strong><span style="color:#000000;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">Wanted A tall well-built woman with good<br>
reputation, who can cook frogs<br>
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-<br>
schia garden, classic music and tal-<br>
king without getting too serious.<br>
Interested?<br>
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;<br>
still interested?<br>
Call me at...... 8250-0327</span></span></strong></p>
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