Red and Black Humour

General Gibberish Forums The Pool Room
141

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

 

Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back in so early? What‘s wrong?”

 

“I was stung by a bee”, she said.

 

“Where?”, he asked.

 

“Between the first and second hole”, she replied.

 

He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your feet were too far apart.”

142

Wife texts husband on a cold winter‘s morning:  "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:  "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: 

"Computer really screwed up now.”

1 Like
143

Why was Cinderella crap at footy?

Apparently her coach was a pumpkin!

144

This is a sort of sad and funny finale for a friend who died last week after a long illness. He was in hospital and in the final hours of his life, dropping in and out of consciousness, but was quite comprehensible when he was awake. He told one of the attending doctors a joke before he passed. This was it.

 

There was a woman who rang up the Hun wanting to place a death notice. "What would you like to say?" asked the operator.

 

"Bill's dead." She replied.

 

"Ummm...." replied the operator. "We just can't put that in. You'll need to say more. There's a minimum limit of 5 words."

 

"Ok." said the woman. "Bill's dead. Volvo for sale."

 

Having heard about the joke from the doctor, upon his demise his son placed a death notice in the HS and the final line in the notice? Yep. "Volvo for sale."

145

          WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

 

 

What an interesting turn of events in Mt. Vernon, Texas...
 
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their
building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the
local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business
from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer
sessions at their church.
 
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before
the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and
burned it to the ground!
 
After the cat-house was burned to the ground by the lightning strike,
the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about
"the power of prayer."
 
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued
the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds
that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her
building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine
actions or means."
 
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and voraciously denied
any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
 
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the
defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears
from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who
staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church
congregation that thinks it's all bullshit.”

Subject: Decision time!
146
'New Password-Choice Requirements"

 

 - -- - - - - - - - - - - - ---------- - -- - - - - - --- - ---- - - - - - - ---- --   
       Remember ... Try to keep your cool with new tech ... but if not then ... let 'er fly .... 
- - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - --- --- - - - - - - - - - - - ---- - - -- - - - - ---
 
Setting your password:
  
Sorry your password has expired- you must register a new one.
 
Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working
pretty good?
  
Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 30 days.
  
Can I use the old one and just re-register it?
  
No, you must get a new one.
  
I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.
  
Sorry, you must get a new one.
  
OK, roses
 
Sorry you must use more letters.
  
OK, pretty roses
  
No good, you must use at least one numerical character.
  
OK, 1 pretty rose
  
Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.
  
OK, 1prettyrose
  
Sorry, you must use additional characters.
  
OK, 1farkingprettyrose
  
Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.
  
OK, 1FARKINGprettyrose
  
Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.
  
OK, 1FARKINGprettyrose
  
Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional characters.
  
OK,  1FARKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfarkingnow
  
Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.
 
147

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Because he was out standing in his field

148 
			<p><strong><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:18pt;">I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...'</span></span></span></strong></p>
			<p><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.</span></span></span></p>
			<p><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">She says, 'Hello.'</span></span></span></p>
			<p style="text-align:center;">&nbsp;</p>
			<p><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.</span></span></span></p>
			<p><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">So he asks, 'Do you know me?'</span></span></span></p>
			<p><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'</span></span></span></p>
			<p><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.</span></span></span></p>
			<p><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the</span></span></span></p>
			<p><span style="color:#1f497d;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">Pool</span></span></span><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;"> table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'</span></span></span></p>
			<p><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:13.5pt;">She looks into his eyes and says calmly</span></span></span><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:22pt;">,</span></span></span></p>
			<p>
			&nbsp;<br><span style="color:#000080;"><span style="font-family:calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:22pt;">'No, I'm your son's teacher.'</span></span></span></p>
149

Gold

150

One day the Lone Ranger is out riding the range on his horse Silver. Silver was an incredibly smart horse.

 

Later that day they were ambushed by indians.

 

Bound and helpless the cheif walked up and spoke to the lone ranger.
            

"You very brave man so before we kill you we will give you three wishes, one a day for three days, when done, you die, you make first wish
            

The Lone Ranger considers and says , "for my first wish, i want to speak to my horse."

 

A bit offended that their gift was taken so frivously, they reluctantly agreed. The Lone Ranger moves close to Silver, strokes his nose, and whispers in his ear.
            

When finished, Silver tosses up his head and gallops off. This confuses the indians untill Silver returns with a gorgeous long haired red headed woman stark naked, tied to the saddle.
           

At this the indians chuckle : white man want last night with woman
            

The next morning the cheif appears in front of the Lone Ranger. "What wish number two?"

 Again the Lone Ranger says, "I want to speak with my horse."
            

Now curious the indians grant this, and again the Lone Ranger strokes Silver's nose and whispers in his ear. As soon as he finishes, Silver tosses his head and gallops off.
             

Now the indians wait to see what the horse will return with. Sure enough, near sunset, Silver returns with a gorgeous naked black haired woman tied to the saddle.
           

The indians are a bit insulted that this white man only seems to have one thought on his mind.
             

The final morning the chief again approaches the Lone Ranger. "What you want for third wish?"
             

Again the Lone Ranger says, "I wish to speak to my horse."
             

Having been thriough this twice before, the indians bring Silver over. Only this time, the Lone Ranger grabs the horse's bridle, looks right in his eyes and says,
"For the last time it`s POSSE ..... P*O*S*S*E ...... POSSE!"
 

151

This old hippy bloke has a mate who's a doctor.

He gave him a call from a phone box and told him the latest problem.

Hey man, we're up near Alice Springs and we went to a local water hole cos it's like real hot outside man

Oh yeah, cool man, wish I was there with youse.

Nah, man, it was bad man, the wife's gone and got bitten on the *(female lady parts)* by an insect of somethin man. It's gone and got all swollen and closed that thing right up man.

"Oh man, bummer" says the doc.

"Oh, yeah, good plan, why didn't I think of that" and the old hippy hangs up.

152

That reminds me of an old Lone Ranger joke. One day he and his faithful companion were out riding across the plains. Suddenly they saw smoke signals ahead of them. The Lone Ranger asked Tonto what they meant. Tonto replied,'Apache war party ahead, Kemosabe with 3,000 braves. The Lone Ranger turned his horse around, only to see a big dust cloud. Again he asked his faithful companion, 'What does it mean?'Tonto stared into the distance many Cheyenne come this way maybe 2000 more braves. 

Frantic now the Long Ranger asked his faithful companion, 'What are we going to do?' 

Tonto replied,'What do you mean 'we', white man?' 

153

This old hippy bloke has a mate who's a doctor.

He gave him a call from a phone box and told him the latest problem.

Hey man, we're up near Alice Springs and we went to a local water hole cos it's like real hot outside man

Oh yeah, cool man, wish I was there with youse.

Nah, man, it was bad man, the wife's gone and got bitten on the *(female lady parts)* by an insect of somethin man. It's gone and got all swollen and closed that thing right up man.

"Oh man, bummer" says the doc.

"Oh, yeah, good plan, why didn't I think of that" and the old hippy hangs up.

And the two guys are out in the desert and one gets bitten on the ******* by a copperhead.

His mate gets out the Satellite phoine and calls the Flying Doc....me mate's been bitten by a snake, what do I do?

You've got to cut where the snake bit him and suck the poison out or he's going to die.

And the bitten guy says to his mate...what'd he say? He said you're gunna die.

 

Gee...this censor is sensitive...maybe I should have said shlong or woozzer.

154

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.....

 

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam

155

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

156

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

I lol'd.

157

 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

I lol'd.

 

So did my co workers when I read it out at smoko!! :lol:

158

talking of the lone ranger what is the closest thing to silver?

159

talking of the lone ranger what is the closest thing to silver?

I dunno but I guess this is heading into "Mr Hands" territory?

160

 

talking of the lone ranger what is the closest thing to silver?

I dunno but I guess this is heading into "Mr Hands" territory?

 

As Kenny Everett said...the Lone Ranger's ■■■■.