Simmo's Disparaging Anecdotes About Opposition Players

General Gibberish Forums The Dog's Breakfast
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Simmo: hi Oliver, congrats on gettng picked again!

Oliver Florent: thanks mate, feel like I’m really securing my place in the 22

Simmo: quick favour to ask if you have 2min?

Oliver: what’s up?

Simmo: so I post on the Bomberblitz forums, and at the start of the season I started a thread where I’d share quirky stories about AFL players in the week where Essendon is playing them. I ran out of steam real quick though, and I’m stuck on something ahead of tonight’s game v you blokes. have you got a personal anecdote you’d be ok with me sharing?

Oliver: why does it have to be a personal anecdote?! all stories derive from the individual. do you propose that a metaphysical hierarchy is the adjunct to a tyrannical Jungian fallacy?

Simmo: oh you’re still into that quantam-astro-philosophy stuff huh

Oliver: what do you mean?

Simmo: you’re writing like what you imagine an intellectual person sounds like

Oliver: well, I don’t want to be conveniently boxed into an ideological group, so that depends on what you mean by intellectual.

Simmo: someone who is well read and educated but doesn’t know how to show it other than needlessly flexing their vocabulary. y’know, a flog

Oliver: right. well, the devil is in the detail. what scenario would instigate this? why have I sometimes sounded like, as you put it, a flog?

Simmo: perhaps you’re real insecure about it and feel the need to be overly verbose so the obfusication discoruages anyone from actually challenging you

Oliver: and what would they challenge me on

Simmo: oh I don’t fkng know

Oliver: that’s a philosophically abstract response. Do you mean to say that you don’t realise the potential of your own shadow?

Simmo: it’s a statement. Nothing more. i don’t know why i keep doing this to myself

Oliver: This reminds me of a vulgar joke, forgive me. A stupid fairy or something goes to a farmer, and asks what the farmer wants. He says he will give to farmer’s neighbour twice as much, farmer says take one of my eyes. So I am hoping that as I suffer here, that you are suffering more. But I will be the good Stalinist and at least show some suffering in turn, and so on.

Simmo: seen 1:47pm

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Excellent. He’s back folks

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We’ve had Shannon Knoll puns and Jungian analysis in the same week on blitz. Highbrow, lowbrow we get it all.

Great work simmo!

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Buddy wasn’t available?

SHAME.

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Opposition players.

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blink

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@simmo41

Where’s the anecdote?!?!

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From: Simmo [email protected]
Sent: Monday, 2 June 2014 2:12 PM
To: “Alex Pearce” [email protected]
Cc: Jess, Naomi, Ryan, Tom, Ray White Real Estate
Subject: Notice to vacate

Dear Alex,

I am writing to you to advise that we wish for you to vacate our sharehouse in 72 hours. Several of your behaviours that we have observed or have been brought to our attention in recent weeks have left us with concerns regarding our safety and also your own. These behaviours included but are not limited to…

- Eating meals in the toilet to “cut out the middle man”
- Attempting to submit a urine sample online
- Repeatedly and aggressively misundertanding the fundamental core concepts of love
- Stealing Tom’s cigarettes just to pose for selfies (we know you’re not actually smoking them)
- Called an electrician because you didn’t know how to change a lightbulb, getting mad at us for not contributing to the bill, then crying your dad on the phone about how the sparky laughed at you.
- Ongoing campaign to rid the world of the number 3, in your words the most “snowflakey” number
- Completing the Myers-Briggs personality test on behalf of each of us once per week, and calling our parents whenever results are different
- Writing several hundred passive aggressive post-it notes addressed to Tilly about leaving uneaten food in the kitchen (NOTE FOR AGENT: Tilly is Naomi’s cat)
- Bought a brand new set of Pirelli’s from Bob Janes, set fire to them as a “f**k you” to climate change, and then needed Ryan to take you to hospital because of smoke inhalation
- Continally Snapchatting us photos of sheep captioned with our names
- Posting on LinkedIn about International Women’s Day and everything he was doing for a more equitable world, then immediately hitting on Jess for the next six hours
- Introducing yourself to visitors as “DJ Pearce, the Darth Vader of the crossfader” (NOTE: I’m totally cool with this, the others made me include it)

We expect to see you vacated by close of business on Thursday, otherwise the relevant authorities will be notified.

Regards,
Simmo

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One from the past. I know Brent Hartigan (ex-Richmond) pretty well through a few blokes at my cricket club. Yearly these boys go up to Tocumwal on a golf trip. They go up there and have a few drinks at the local watering hole. Harto notices a lot of Tigers memorabilia behind the bar. He’s asks the publican if he’s a Tigers man, to which he answers in the affirmative. Harto drops the fact that he used to play for them. Bloke doesn’t believe him. He then brings up his own Wikipedia page. He’s still not convinced. He then says he’ll get Richo (Matthew Richardson) on the line. He calls Richo who answers “what the ■■■■ do you want Harto?” He says that there’s a bloke who doesn’t believe he played for Richmond. Responds with “this is the last ■■■■■■■ time I’m doing this for you”. Speaks to the bloke and confirms he did play at the Tigers. Proceeds to drink for free for the rest of the night until he gets kicked out for drunken behaviour.

PS: It’s a week early but what the hell, good story!

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@simmo41

IT’S TIME

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I am so sick and tired of this media narrative of Josh Caddy being a humble, hard-working, honest lad. He’s not. He’s the most up-himself, conceited twat I ever played junior footy with. I remember one time we were doing a tackling drill where we had to bring down players trying to run past us. He had it in his mind that he didn’t need to “prove” to us that he can tackle, so just stood there and let blokes past him saying “I could have got him.” Once during 2012 season when he was at Gold Coast, he got beaten in a handballing drill by Sam Iles. He stormed off the field, went up the finance department and asked them how much Sam was getting paid and how long was left on his contract. Came in the next day with a cheque saying “that’s the rest of his contracted salary, now tell him to fk off.” Wore hair extensions for the whole 2016 season. He rocked up to Harley Bennell’s 21st uninvited and gave him a gift voucher to a solarium. When he first met Jesse Longeran and someone said that Jesse had been playing senior footy for three years, Josh said, “yeah I would have as well if I was from fkng Tasmania.” If you listen real close sometimes you pick up through the umpire mics that whenever he runs past someone he goes “whooosh!” They never put his interview thingos in the footy record because of the answers he gives, like when he was asked what would Andrew Mackie be if he wasn’t an AFL footballer he said “a virgin.” He can usually be seen walking up and down Swan Street pretending to be on the phone just to see if anyone recognises him and speaks to him.

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sublime

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Good stuff

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Because it’s bye week can we get a special edition anecdote about an Essendon player?

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Eh I would if I knew any.

Best I’ve got is the time I saw Tom Bellchambers at a printing shop in Moonee Ponds. He was picking up a big box of custom printed t-shirts. I overheard him explaining to the guy at the counter that he’d been catfishing Andy McGrath for a while and two days ago had finally got him to send a dck pic.

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For a while I lived next door to Trent Dumont. I hate what he made me become - a nosy neighbour. However I attribute my descent into the madness of that role solely to him, because his behaviour was umissable viewing. I kept a list on the fridge of all the things I seen him do over the course of a single month.

  • Wears his hoodies inside out
  • Sets off sprinting at full tilt towards the local Woolies at 7:35pm every Sunday night screaming “CHEAP HAM! CHEAP HAM!”
  • Would be out on his balcony practising his Shark Tank pitch for “tuxedos for ferrets”
  • Went into a brothel with a large Ikea bag full of silver coins. Came out with the empty bag looking very pale.
  • Flirted with the garbage truck driver
  • Taunting the cat lady across the road for “keeping her children in prison”
  • Stole some flowers from an accident blackspot and gave them to a girl he was taking on a date.
  • Asked me if I was finished with my Aldi catalogue (didn’t want it, just wanted to know if I had gotten to the end)
  • Went to the Auskick down the road and just fkn gave it to them
  • Showed me the “mushrooms” (agapanthus) he found in the garden, immediately tried to eat about eight at once, and vomited down his shirt.
  • Performed a citizens arrest on a small child he mistook for Grant Denyer (to be fair the kid did look a lot like a Malaysian version of him)
  • Either watches The Bodyguard at full volume every Wednesday night or just has the soundtrack on, can’t quite tell
  • “Borrowed” a kid’s mountain bike and ghostied it off the roof
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This thread is a gem. And that’s a sensational post.

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If this is wrong, I don’t wanna be right

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Gold

:rofl:

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Thread delivers.