Thank you everyone for your support this last 9 days. Kate’s service was this afternoon and it went very well. Those who presented were able to ‘get through’ without terrible distress and there was great affirmation for the family.
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I’m confident the service did justice honouring the memory of your daughter’s life.
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One year today. Felt so long ago but felt like last week.
Miss you dad.
He did stay awake long enough before he went to see Richmond win a game. He only saw the last quarter but it was enough.
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I am trying to turn my mind to a better place through positive manifestations and by trying to give more to others, even just a smile or a positive word. I feel it is helping me a little. Hopefully it will “snowball” and I will get back to being the happy, positive person I was always known as.
I genuinely hope you are all ok in your own personal circumstances. Regardless of the random bickering, etc in other threads, this one brings out the best in blitzers so for that, I am thankful.
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The toughest thing I find is knowing how and more importantly when to be kind to yourself.
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Identity crisis
The birth of my daughter and some redundancies happening in work place had me re-evaluating my career.
For context, I’m a social worker by trade. I was working a very rewarding job, a job I aspired to at the beginning of my career while I was doing my degree. However, there was no growth as it was in non for profit, and the role I was in, was experiencing some funding uncertainty. With my daughter 8 months old,
and looking for stability and growth, I decided to move over to government at the start of the year.
I’ve been in my new role for 3 months, and I’m just confused what I’m doing anymore. It’s within the criminal justice sector, don’t mind the role, it’s very fast paced.
However, the workplace culture is pretty bad, and the work itself is not nearly as rewarding, although I do enjoy it and find it interesting.
What I don’t like is all the workplace politics, and the management passively aggressively forcing frontline staff to enact policies that leave them unable to actually do all the work. So I’m increasingly finding myself in an identity crisis, - I’ve come over to government to advance my career, but now being here, I just look at those roles and think, I couldn’t do that, it’s against my values.
Before the arrival of my daughter, I was always conscious of balancing rewarding work to service my soul (as that important for me) and doing something that doesn’t leave me vulnerable to burnout (as unfortunately this is common in my field).
Now with the added pressures of needing to become more of a bread winner (which is something never thought about before, but with the cost of living?!) and also balancing that reward/self care in my previous paragraph, is just making me feel unable to tick all the boxes.
We are already talking about having another child soon, and I guess I’m feeling the additional pressure that comes with that.
Any advice would be great. I’m hoping things will feel more normal as I settle further into parenthood and my new job in an unknown sector.
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I’m curious why you’d call this an identity crisis? Feels like you have recently prioritised what your life priorities are more than anything else.
I’d call it more a fork in the road. Trying to sort out how to get better balance with your new priorities.
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Hey mate, being a newish parent I can empathise with a lot of what you’re saying, and I feel like the advice I give to any new parent I come across is more or less the same… You need to give things time and be kind to yourself.
I reckon it’s taken me a good year and a half almost to feel comfortable and normal with the concept of being a dad. I can only imagine how tricky it must be juggling a new job at the same time, particularly if it isn’t giving you much satisfaction.
The good part is that you can always find new work at some point (I imagine), and your little one will always be there to “nourish the soul”.
Maybe take some time to think about what are priorities to you at the moment and channel your energy accordingly. For me it’s 1) being a dad to my daughter, 2) being a provider (house, bills, food etc), 3) being an employee 4) whatever else there is left of me after that
Thinking of it that way has helped me a lot when work has been overwhelming and stuff like that etc. for example, ordinarily the politics and stress of work would get me down and make me feel useless etc, but if I can still be a dad (be present, loving etc) and still provide, then I’m still achieving my priorities, and work can sort itself out.
Not sure if any of the above helps at all, but I can certainly empathise with how you feel and I’m sure you’ll work your way through it. Best of luck.
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Well said mate. As a newish father as well I reckon you’ve nailed it.
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From someone who has 3 adult children now, I think Alex has given decent advice on priorities.
Here’s my view on that period of time looking back. It’s probably the busiest time of life, raising a child or children while trying to make enough to pay for the basics, plus enough extra to provide an interesting life for your family:
- Kids grow up so fast, and it’s such a busy time, if you don’t prioritise time with your kids, all those moments will be gone before you know what happened.
- There are many things you can do for little money that kids, and parents, will remember and enjoy. If you can’t afford overseas holidays, camping trips also build memories that last a lifetime. One of my best childhood memories, and family stories was when my parents camped in a hollow, near Darwin, and the rain came, flooded the tents, and we needed to pack up and head home in the evening. Things you do together as a family are bonding experiences. Whether they turn out perfectly, or are a disaster.
- Even if you don’t do much more than keep your head above water financially while you’re raising kids, in the time between when they’ve grown up, and when you retire, 2 working people can put quite a bit aside, to prepare for retirement.
- Consult a financial advisor way early, while your kids are young, rather than when they’ve grown up. Having a plan in place, you’re more likely to remove worries and achieve more for your financial future, even on a moderate income, than you’ll achieve with a better income and starting late.
All this is to say, prioritise time with family. Your job is pretty new, so give it time, and see how it goes after you’ve settled in more. If, after you’ve given it some time, it still isn’t for you, and you can still pay the basics in a job that’s more rewarding, and that gives you the time and headspace to give more time to your family, you’re unlikely to regret it.
You can achieve a lot, with a little, if you start early. Put a financial plan in place sooner, and remember, you can boost it along later in life as well. You really don’t need to be kicking goals at every endeavour at your age and stage in life.
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I’ve worked in government over 20 years. I’ve had my values tested against poor behaviour that is the antithesis of what it is to be a public servant.
I keep two things in mind when grappling this (though I’m now too old to care if i upset people)
It’s an honour and privilege to serve the community. Not matter the role, no matter the impact, if you do so with integrity, empathy and accountability you are making the country a better place.
Government service is like most workplaces. You’ll find those who deserve the cannon and those who are champions of community service. Find your champions. They are the people who will keep your job satisfaction/moral in check.
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Others have given good advice about being a Dad, the joys are something to be experienced as you go along.
Workplaces are tricky, my early career was in Government albeit working firstly for a Federal Minister and then as a teacher in a tech school. Workplace politics was worse at the tech school, surprisingly to me and it was a factor in my leaving the profession. However I learnt along the way that if you like your job, and importantly get along and even like your boss, the satisfaction of doing the job well lets you ignore that crap that may be around you.
Number one rule for me was to like what I was doing and to be the best I could be at it. I found that satisfaction and reward was the result. Others played politics and while they could be annoying, they were easy to ignore. My only other rule was not to take work home. This didn’t mean not working after hours but not to take a work troubles or issues into my private life as sometimes you can vent your frustration in the wrong direction.
Some of us may change our wives, but daughters are forever.
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There has been plenty of good responses here, so I will try not to repeat anything, other than to say to cut yourself some slack. Becoming a parent and changing jobs are both big change, to do them at the exact same time is a lot to deal with.
As for the job stuff. Yeah… One of the harsh realities of life is that we don’t all get to do our dream job, or the job we’ve always aspired to. That can be for a variety of reasons, but one of the most common ones is that our dream job doesn’t actually pay enough or provide enough stability to support a young family. It sucks.
The trick is to find something close enough - or adjacent enough - to that job or role that can also make you a decent living.
I’ve battled this most of my adult life. I always pursued a career in highly competitive creative fields and even those I did get, never provided me enough financial security to truly enjoy them. I was lucky about 5 years ago to stumble into a career that still used parts of my creative skills but in a very different way. And for a lot more money. I don’t love it, but I don’t miss the financial stress either.
As for the government side of things… I don’t have Heffsgirl’s level of experience, but i do contract to Govt departments and have worked within a few now. All the sh*t flows down onto frontline staff. All the decisions / changes / mistakes from up the chain get shoved down their throat to just ‘deal with.’ However, when a former frontline staff member moves into a support role like IT or policy, they are the most respected people in the office. There are two Strategic Advisors who I currently work closely with, both who have 20+ years of frontline experience, and they are the absolute best. I will listen to their opinion over just about anybody else. They may no longer be doing the rewarding role they once were, but they help shape systems and policy for those that are. It’s close enough - or adjacent enough - for them.
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It’s a great thing to remind me Soulnet, I’ve chosen this direction because wanting to do right by my family, thank you
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Thanks Alex, that’s why I’m doing it. It’s a good reminder that work I’m in isn’t permanent, I will always have options, but my daughter will always be there to come home to. And you’re right I need to take it easy, it’s alot of change in short period.
I’m just feeling particularly fragile at the moment because I’m going through a HR process regarding my rights after attempting to resolve it with them directly. Thankfully, HR is resolving it quickly because they could see a gap in knowledge on management’s behalf - on entitlements protected by EBAs and the Fairwork act they can’t override on manger discretion, as they tried to do.
Just exhausted that I needed to do, and the contrast to the more understanding human approach I’m use to in non for profit .
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Thanks so much Glu, I really appreciate it. Thank you
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And adding to all of that, the fact that you are thinking/reflecting on this stuff and care. Well, I reckon there are a lot of parents out there that don’t, so don’t be so hard on yourself mate.
Since my daughter arrived I’ve struggle to put the same amount of time into work, which leads to more work stress, and I’ve packed on some weight. I’m trying not to be too hard on myself about those things and it’s hard not to be. The point being I guess is we’re not alone in struggling to balance things at times.
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I remember having a conversation with my uncle when our eldest was a teenager.
My wife spent 15 years looking after her aging parents through Parkinson’s for one, and dementia for the other. During that time, she had to work part time, and we took on additional expenses, while her 2 siblings did next to nothing, other than criticise at times. We worked together and supported each other while raising kids and with me running my own businesses and picking up supplemental work as needed.
We worked hard, and had barely kept our heads above water over that time, and I remember chatting with my uncle and expressing that I didn’t think we’d ever have enough to retire.
He told me about how he was in a similar situation 25 years earlier, but when his wife’s Mum died, and left a little bit of money, they bought a few acres of scrubby and hilly land in an outer suburb of Hobart, and built a very basic house.
He said after the kids grew up, they were able to put quite a bit aside in just a few years, and then they sold their few acres to a real estate developer later on, for more than they’d expected, as they downsized, and retired comfortably, with a little to spare, to spoil their kids and grandkids.
It really gave me hope, and a different perspective, at a time when I was feeling a bit down.
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Thanks Heffsgirl, yeah I can see that, there some absolute gems I can lean on, and I’ve really formed solid bonds with my coworkers in this short period, they passionate about the work.
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