If it makes you feel better Heff6 has been known to say “oh for ■■■■ sake.” He gets the context right every time.
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The wife is a very devout Catholic and mister 4 who’s been into reconciliation week activities a childcare comes home and asks “Daddy, is God Aboriginal?” Me: sure, why not!
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My Mum is down visiting.
Me “What’s on tv?”
Mum “Home and Away is on”
PH jr “We’re not watching that crap”
Think I am having a fair bit of influence on him.
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Not said, writing in a birthday card, copying his mum’s handwriting and misreading an r, and putting a couple of letters in the wrong order… happy bitchday!
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Not mine, but…
Miss 16: What have you got there?
Miss 8: Cake.
16: Who made you that?
8: My mum.
16: I wish I had one.
8: saddest eyes ever, offers half of cake
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Oh the innocence of the young
In a card shop with my daughter and 9 year old granddaughter, when 9yr old pipes up in a loudish voice
"Oh look at this cute card… (picture of cute fluffy kitten draped over an older style phone)… look Mum it says ‘you wanted a picture of my p ussy on my phone, well here it is’ …isn’t that funny Mum!!
I don’t know how we kept straight faces.
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A pigeon flew at a window and broke its neck today.
Little 4 year old girl saw it from inside.
LG – is the birdie sick? Why is it lying down?
Me – Yep, I don’t think it’s too well.
Girl get’s distracted, I go and double-bag the pigeon and throw it in the bin – had a broken neck and pooled blood around its head.
LG later – Where’s the birdie?
Me – Well, it…ah…died. It flew into the window cause it didn’t see it, and hurt itself, and now it’s gone.
LG – Gone? Where’s it gone?
Me – Well, it was …ah…dead, so I put it in a bag and threw it away.
LG – you threw the birdie away? What about its paw?
Me – Its paw? Birds have feet and talons, not paws.
LG – Where’s it paw?
Me – Well its feet are stuck to it, like your feet are stuck to you.
LG – Why did you put it in a bag?
Me – Because …ah…well I threw it out so I put it in a bag first.
LG – You threw the birdie in the rubbish? In the rubbish bin?
Me – Yep – because it died. Sometimes thing die.
LG – And its paw too?
Me – Its paw is in the bag too, yes – but – well…it’s stuck to the bird so of course it is.
LG – Why is the birdie in the rubbish?
Me – Because – like I just said – the birdie hit the window by mistake, and died, and I had to throw it away.
LG – So why didn’t we bury it then if it died? Poor birdie! (starting to tear up)
Me – Ahm…yep, maybe we should have buried it I guess. I was just rushing.
LG – The poor birdie and its paw are in the rubbish! That’s NOT NICE OK?? (voice raising, in tears)
Me – (backing away slowly) Ok look – maybe we can just say some nice things about the birdie and that will make it better?
LG – THE BIRDIES PAW IS IN THE RUBBISH THAT’S NOT NICE!!! (screeching)
At that point, I walked hurriedly away, since this was not my child, nor was I responsible for her at the time. Come to think about it - I wasn’t responsible for disposing of the pigeon, either. It would have been nice if the adults around had lent a hand, but no…they let me squirm through the whole thing.
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Child has a weird PAW obsession.
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Yeah, that farking ‘paw’ thing nearly got me unhinged.
Thing is - I really underestimated her. I thought she was upset because the bird died. But no - what she was upset about, was that I threw it in the rubbish - with its paw.
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Your first mistake was you didn’t answer the question about where the bird went with “It flew away”.
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Yep, … or it turned into an angel and rose up to Bird Heaven.
Next time. 
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Or “giant rats came and took it away so they can eat it”. Whatever floats your boat I guess.
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It flew away to a farm in the country.
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I obviously got it all wrong from the start.
You could have just given the kid a lesson in stranger danger.
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Instead of throwing it in the bin, a quick thinking person - especially one with Deck’s culinary skills - would have cooked it up for dinner a la Hemmingway in Paris.
Or used it as a puppet to explain the circle of life from the perspective of a stoopid pigeon.
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Except… the vast majority of of horrible stuff that happens to children is perpetrated by family and family friends.
The whole ‘stranger danger’ bullshiit should actually be ‘family danger’.
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My dad forced me to cook and eat a pigeon I killed with a slingshot when I was about 8.
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That’s a far too sensible and deep reply than my post warranted.
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