Training In 2007

[jackie_mihocek]

There's not much happening at the moment so I thought some of you might enjoy reliving an old training session from 2007 that I never got around to posting.

 

Training 1/4/07

 

Training in cool conditions at Windy Hill.

 

Session began with what I term the road safety drill. A player was stooped like a praying mantis with an Easter egg looking right, looking left, looking right again anxiously trying to work out who he could chip a 15 metre back pass to when a shadow fell across me. I looked up and beheld a vision of loveliness in a gold lame track suit, gold pom pom mules and a mass of black hair imprisoned by a scarlet band.

 

“Hi Jackie! I bet you don‘t know who sent me.”

 

“Hugh Heffner‘s mum was cleaning out his bedroom?” I ventured.

 

“No silly. Tiffany sent me. She loves the way you describe her clothes and thinks that you should do fashion reports instead of training reports.”

 

“So do several coaches”

 

“She also also likes that you have a girl‘s name and she wants you to teach me about football training – I‘m Fritzi Blitz” she said extending a hand and a smile which extended from her mouth to her large brown eyes.

 

“How did you know who I was?”

 

“Tiffany said to look for a badly dressed man with binoculars who looked like one of the Three Stooges thirty years on.”

 

“That could have been Sandbelt or Ant 555 even.”

 

“She mentioned a resemblance to Shemp.”

 

“Well Fritzi whether you write training reports will depend on what the rest of Bomber Blitz thinks but the first rule to remember is that you must get to training on time.

 

“I was on time but when I came in this man who looked like Jock McHale in a base ball cap came up to me and said

“I‘m Kevin Sheedy where are you from?”

 

 â€œWell” I said “Cleo" (I write fashion articles for Cleo) but he must have thought I said “Freo” so he said “You‘re a spy come to film training – take off your top.”
 

A whole lot of players all wearing numbers like the Beagle Boys were starting to gather by this time and I said “Why?”

 

“You have something hidden under your top – I believe it is a camera.”

 

Then number 10 said “I think its two cameras” and number 1 added “With zoom lenses.”

 

I really wanted to help (people often want me to take my top off) but I didn‘t have a bra on so I said “I can‘t. I have looked every where but have been unable to find a golden bra to go with my outfit and so I would be bare chested.”

 

Number 31 said “Don‘t worry its standard procedure everyone at training has to be photographed.” And several other players nodded vigorously.

 

Then  number 21 said “I am often bare chested at training” and number 18 said “I don‘t mind showing my arms” and number 22 said “You can see my thighs any time” and then one called Bolts said would you like to see… and I thought he was going to say my bolts like in the James Whale film of Frankenstein and I was thinking I was glad that “Nuts” Coventry had gone the same way as Jock McHale, ... my holiday snaps?” and number 25 said “No one wants to see the cheese factories of Norway.”

 

“Have you considered a golden veil to go with your outfit – like in Jeannie its our favourite TV show” someone said who was carrying a bottle of water and a bottle of Gatorade. “We do early weights sessions so we can go home and watch it.” said someone else whose number I couldn‘t see.

 

“It wouldn‘t suit me” I replied “Everyone would start saying “Fritzi Blitz show us your lips” and I wouldn‘t like that.”

 

Then a nice man – number 33 – with an unusual haircut said ” I have a haute couture fashion house in Ascot Vale. We have just received a big consignment of gold bikinis from deceased Gold Coast meter maids if you you allow me to take your measurements I will get some spandex lycra and fashion them into a personalised gold brassiere to complement your outfit.”

 

“Oh dear” I said “What happened to the poor meter maids?”

 

“Their time was up and they just expired I guess.” said 33.

 

As he advanced towards me an Eskimo pushed through and said “I am a part time photographer and fitness adviser for Whom Weekly I will handle this.”

 

“What the hell is Whom Weakly?” said  number 13.

 

“It‘s a topless grammar magazine”

 

“Why does a grammar magazine need a fitness advisor? Asked 36.

 

“Where have you been? Haven‘t you seen how footballers turned writers can fracture the language it all has to be fixed you know. Last week Tony Shaw caused tension problems when he kept swapping tenses and I had to repair six split infinitives from Wallsy‘s article alone and we employ Mike Sheehan just to run the cliché column.”

 

“Well why does Whom Weekly need a photographer then – do you photograph commas or something?” I asked.

 

“For the centrefolds. We are currently running a series on the best Greek and Latin roots.

Aren‘t you aware of the relationship between grammar and fitness?”

 

“Jackie hasn‘t taught me to do training reports yet I thought fitness experts dealt with injuries.”

 

“Yes but fitness is related to grammar. I‘ve been working on this theory for some time.. Look at that modified group over there doing handballs. JJ is suffering from abbreviation.Campo has a gay vowel. Laycock has a ham e (pork and vowels don‘t go well together – good vowels and regularity are most important) and Tommy is having trouble with a pronoun at the beginning of his name. It all comes down to grammar in the end.”

 

“Well what‘s wrong with number 40 he looks fine to me and number 4?”

 

“Number 40 has a very bad alliteration and number 4 just loves to handball but he has a question mark hanging over his kicking that we need to get rid of.”

 

“That‘s fascinating – how do you treat them for bad grammar?”

 

I put them in a group and give them 1000 handballs a week for 2 – 6 weeks. If that doesn‘t work I send them to Japan at the end of the season. Their English is so much better than the Japanese and they gain confidence so quickly that we can put many of them straight into our leadership group.”

 

Number 29 pushed to the front of the group. “Hi, I‘m Froggy – if you kiss me I will turn into a prince.”

 

“Were you a prince before you were a frog?”

 

“No he was a tadpole” said 7.

 

“Shut up Leroy. I am the Prince of Pace.”

 

“Oh yeah! Well they call me “Leroy Jetstar” said 7 “cause I‘m so fast.”

 

“Because you‘re so cheap” said 15 “Fritzi can see that I am the fastest by far.”

 

This discussion was interrupted when 44 said“Look out here comes G.O.D..”

 

“You have GOD here?”

 

“Yes. He comperes training. A bit like the Bert Newton of training really. We have the Messiah too – he‘s going to lead us out of the wilderness.”

 

Suddenly a shaft of golden sunlight speared down from the clouds and number 5 emerged illuminated in a golden halo. My knees trembled I could see at once that he was a living legend.

 

“Why are you here my child?” he said.

 

“Lady Tiffany has sent me to seek the wisdom of Jackie Mihocek in the arts of training exalted sire..” (You suddenly felt you had to talk like this.)

 

“My child don‘t you realize that Jackie is not a real person.”

 

“Is he a hologram then?” said number 6. “My uncle started a hologram greeting card company which was really cool. We had three dimensional greeting cards that we called “Hellograms” but the card market collapsed after Whom weekly accused “Hellograms” of prostituting the language for financial gain and now he sells insurance.

 

“He‘s not a hologram said 24 he‘s an alias. Jackie‘s not his real name it‘s a guise to avoid detection like Tony Mokbel might use. Suppose Tony Mokbel came to the club. He wouldn‘t say “Hi I‘m Tony Mokbel.” Because some one would ring Henneman and he would be arrested.”

 

“What would he say ?” asked 30

 

“Probably “Hi, I‘m David Calthorpe.” And he could watch training and Henneman wouldn‘t find out unless he noticed the Armani suit.”

 

“No, no” said 38 “Jackie‘s not an alias its an alter ego – like the Superman and Clark Kent.”

 

19 said “I was reading the gossip column in Whom Weekly and it said that JFK (who was suffering from abbreviation) had an affair with Marilyn Monroe but what people don‘t know is that Jackie Kennedy was also having an affair with a famous film identity.”

 

“Who, who?” said 39 like a demented owl.

 

“Not who, who but whom, whom.” Corrected 20 whose grammar was impeccable.

 

“Well” said 19 leaning forward confidentially “According to Gary‘s gossip it was Shemp Howard and Jackie is their illegitimate son!”

 

One of the coaches gave a gasp. “I thought Jackie didn‘t have a life, or was just a hologram but he is the son of a Stooge.”

 

“That explains a lot said 11.”

 

“I‘m going to see if he will give me his autograph after training” said 3.

 

Suddenly 5‘s voice cut through the babble “Don‘t you see who this golden girl is? She‘s a Madonna, the Bomber Madonna!”

 

“Rogers and Hammerstein are going to have a ball with this said 28 who was an expert on musicals – Fritzi Blitz the Bomber Madonna, If we look like the spoon in June the year might turn into a musical.”

 

“No” said 5 “Now we have G.O.D., the Messiah and the Bomber Madonna – the Holy Trinity to take us on paths of glory to the flag. 13 will win the Brownlow and with Tiffany, Fritzi and 33 to advise us on fashions we will be winners there too.”

 

“Is God sending madonnas to spy on training?” gasped Sheeds anxiously searching the sky for Gods or martians.

 

“No, no” said 5. “He told Ron Evans (who was such a good person he went straight to heaven – he had first played football for his church with Ken Fraser before coming to Windy Hill) that he wants you to win the flag and break Jock‘s record before you are called and he wants Jackie to show everyone how you did it.  Go and see Jackie, Fritzi and tell him I said to show you what to do.”

 

“So here I am Jackie and that‘s why I‘m late for training. Can I write training reports for Bomber Blitz?”

 

“I‘m sure the Blitzers will like that I said and so will I because I can see that I am spending too much time at training – I just saw a white rabbit with a fob watch saying he was terribly late for a very important date.”

 

 

................Fritzi never did write any training reports despite me spending many long hours assisting her with her grammar and other matters until Tiffany found out.  They are no longer friends but if Caro ever retires don't be surprised if she pops up. 

 

Hope you enjoyed this journey down memory lane.

 

[riley13]

Brilliant. 

[Fairybread]

Well, seeing as we are talking 2007. Here are some pics I took from training in Hobart in December 2007. This is just after Knights took over.

[Fairybread]

I remember asking Gumby after I took this photo when he would be right to go. He said “I’ll be right to go next week”. Haha.

[benfti]

Gumby LOL

[theDJR]

Well, seeing as we are talking 2007. Here are some pics I took from training in Hobart in December 2007. This is just after Knights took over.

Stanton is small for his size.

[miss_ellie]

Thanks, enjoyed your story.

 

'gold bikinis from deceased Gold Coast meter maids', lol.

[Stallion]

GUMB

[astro_bomber]

Is that Mitch Robinson?

How the hell happened to Myers' legs?

[Koala]

Gumby LOL

I was at Windy Hill the day Gumby did his first hammy.... *memories*