Adelaide’s List Manager:
“Our players took the unexpected Grand Final loss really badly, so we got 2 players (Gibbs and Gibson) from crap clubs who are used to losing and will therefore show the others how to take disappointments in their stride. Some may be surprised that we picked up Gibson but we see him as a very experienced player. At North he had the reputation of sharing insights and words of wisdom with the younger players and sharing the ball with the opposition.”
Brisbane’s List Manager:
“We were intent on adding youth to fast track our clubs rebuild, so we brought in Luke Hodge. Tom Rockliff had to go as he was starting to lose his relevance in Supercoach. We feel like Charlie Cameron’s reluctance to contend for a Premiership makes him a good fit for our club. Losing Schache is no big deal because we have a surplus of crap talls already with Josh Walker and Matt Hammelmann, and frankly it was a pain in the butt trying to spell his surname correctly.”
Carlton’s List Manager:
“We basically came in with a plan - to copy the Bombers. We went for Smith because they did and then made a play for Saad like they did. They secured the 3 S’s, so we decided to secure the 3 D’s, or as we call them the 3 Dumps. We first continued a player dump by continuing to dump surplus GWS players onto our list. We then did a salary dump, by putting the hack Lobbe onto our list. Now we aim to take our Gibbs picks to the draft for a draft dump, by selecting a bunch more Boekhursts. Some people thought we were crazy for trading Gibbs, and accused us of trading away our short term future, but we reject that, as it implies we have long term future.”
Collingwood’s List Manager:
“Last year we brought in a few high profile players that turned out to be hacks. We realised we needed a 180 degrees change of strategy, so we saved ourselves the trouble and instead got lower profile players that we think will become hacks. Understanding that we needed to bolster our key talls we set out to acquire Sam Reid, but through a clerical error we mistakenly ended up with his teammate Sam Murray, and we have absolutely no ■■■■■■ idea who he is.”
Essendon’s List Manager:
“We of course went all out for S surnames and it looked to be all in vein when our first 3 names, Smedts, Suban and Sumner didn’t happen. We almost lost hope and turned our attention to T, which would have been very dangerous because we could have ended up with Dale and Lindsay Thomas. Saad in particular was very impressed with our new facilities and commented how comfortable our spongy floors would be during prayer time. We tried to reunite Stringer with his mate JJ but Jason wasn’t available to pick up the phone. He was busy accompanying Abby Gilmore to her scheduled pap smear. We are not worried about having few picks in this years’ draft because our attention was always going to be to next years’ when Frankston is reinstated into the VFL and would therefore feed us some players.”
Fremantle’s List Manager:
“We were just joking! Pick 2? As if anyone would give a pick 2 for Lachie Weller. We couldn’t believe it when they took it seriously! Next year we are going to ask Gold Coast for 2 first rounders for Hayden Ballantyne. On their current form we reckon they’ll take that.”
Geelong’s List Manager:
“Some have remarked about what they refer to as generous compensation for Motlop, but they clearly weren’t watching that one game where he didn’t look all that comatose. We didn’t have a lot of cap space to get Stringer but we thought we were a decent chance to lure him because Geelong does have a lot of loose 17 year old girls. We are using the Ablett move as a test case. If it works we may also try to bring back other club champions like Billy Smedts.”
Gold Coast’s List Manager:
We heard a rumour that Fremantle are having a chuckle at getting our pick 2, but the joke is on them for accepting Brandon Matera!"
GWS’s List Manager:
“We had to free up cap space by getting rid of Wilson, Smith and Kennedy and free up our BBQ budget by getting rid of Mumford. We have been ridiculed for having stars that don’t play as a team, We are trying to remedy that by bringing in hacks that don’t play as a team.”
Hawthorn’s List Manager:
“We come out of this trade period feeling very satisfied. Not for anything we did, because let’s face it, we did jack all! But because throughout the period we read the myriad of articles written by Garry Buckenara and we would just sit there and feel relieved that that wombat isn’t working for us anymore. We hatched an idea that disappointingly didn’t work out for us. We applied to have Tyrone Vickery put on the rookie list as a Category B rookie, on the grounds that he hasn’t played anything remotely like football for the past 3 years.”
Melbourne’s List Manager:
“We tried desperately to give up all our draft picks because we suck at the draft. We traded away Jack Watts because his superior kicking skills was upsetting our turnover merchants and Dom Tyson in particular was fed up with him.”
North Melbourne’s List Manager:
“We look forward to next week’s trade period … What? … it just finished … nobody told us!”
Port Adelaide’s List Manager:
“We are the clear winners. We realise that the 3 acquisitions have been underwhelming at times for their old clubs, but we stand by our record of getting good football out of these types (just look at what we’ve done with Jimmy Toumpas). We did a great transaction with the Dogs whereby they give us the relief of not having to play Jackson Trengove and we give to them the honour formerly bestowed on Kochie of Biggest ■■■■ of a President.”
Richmond’s List Manager:
“We considered Schache for 5 minutes, but found that he wasn’t a good fit for us because he didn’t have a camera, medal, topless girlfriend or social media account.”
St. Kilda’s List Manager:
“We causally enquired about Adam Tomlinson. GWS said no. So then we asked for Tomlinson and GWS still said no. So we begged for Tomlinson. They still said no. Then we threatened and blackmailed for him, but GWS didn’t budge, so we gave up and went home. We were lucky to get Logan Austin, who has great flexibility, offering us the luxury of 2 surnames for the 1 player.”
Sydney’s List Manager:
“The Pies asked about this guy named Sam Murray. The name rang a bell. I approached Horse who said that the name was vaguely familiar and suggested there might have been a Sam Murray at the club at one stage, perhaps a High Schooler doing work experience. We ended up tracking him down via a private investigator. It turns out he was on our rookie list. Who would have thought?”
West Coast’s List Manager:
“We didn’t do much because we didn’t think we needed to. We felt we were well placed with players such as Masten, Jetta, Lamb and Wellingham that there was no pressing need to bring in people through a trade.”
Western Bulldogs’ List Manager:
Unfortunately the Western Bulldogs list manager didn’t get back to us. We gave him a deadline in which to comment but he did not get back to us before the deadline expired. We then sent a formal hand delivered written request to club president, Peter Gordon, who summarily ate it.