Melbourne’s List Manager:
“We were happy to get in Hibberd as compensation for acquiring Melksham last year. Although, in fairness, Melksham’s 2016 looms as some of the best football he will produce for the club. People have said that getting Lewis on top of Hibbo made us one of the best performed this week. We disagree. We were looking to do more. After our recent successes in getting the great Lemumba and Dawes, we were desperate to go back to the well and recruit a Collingwood champion. We had our sights set on champion backman Marley Williams but were distraught when North outbid us with their pick 105.”
Fremantle’s List Manager:
“Ross Lyon looks forward to embracing all our young acquisitions by warmly welcoming them into the club, before refusing to play them in preference for old, plodding has-beens.”
Richmond’s List Manager:
“We managed to get in The Human Meatball in place of Ty Vickery, who is an actual meatball. We were sick of people telling us that we rely too much on our star players, so we gave one away to GWS.”
Adelaide’s List Manager:
“It’s really nice weather here in Hawaii. We highly recommend it.”
St.Kilda’s List Manager:
“We were really hoping for some Essendon players after last years transaction worked so well for the club. We thought we had a shot in snaring Hurley and Laverde but it turns out they were not the types we were looking for as they have no interest in white powder and they haven’t got a Snapchat account. We got Stevens and Steele for cheap, which is good, because we can spend the left over money on magnets that work.”
Port’s List Manager
“We don’t have a lot of high profile players who seek to come to us, so we were thrilled that a high profile player rejected overtures from interstate clubs and nominated us as his team of choice. Thanks to Hamish Hartlett choosing us over the Tigers and Bombers, we can honestly call ourselves a destination club. Although we didn’t do too much else, we will soon announce long term deals for every player on our list. Jimmy Toumpas just signed an in-principle deal to stay at the club for 70 years with a trigger for 80.”
Swan’s List Manager:
“We were tight for salary cap room because we spent it all on repairing all the cars Buddy has smashed into lately. We unsuccessfully tried to get a three-way-deal off the ground that would have seen us getting O’Meara, the Gold Coast getting Tippett and Keiran Jacks’ parents getting the message.”
Geelong’s List Manager:
“We totally understood Caddy’s desire to go from a team in the Premiership window to a team steeped in mediocrity, so we did not stand in his way. Unfortunately Bartel had to retire because with Tuohy coming we couldn’t afford to have two unkempt players in the same side. We were stoked to get the Irishman Mark O’Connor, as well as Aaron Black from North. We feel that the Irishman can take Black under his wing and mentor him about the intricacies of the game. We are allergic to first round picks, so we are relieved that we won’t be having one for the next twenty years.”
Hawthorn’s List Manager:
“We were elated when the big deal of the trade period was finally stiched up minutes before the end of the last day. I am of course talking about the trade that saw Reece Palmer go to the Blues for pick 135. Thanks to that, we are hopeful that our first pick in the draft, pick 136, may be moved up a notch or two. After talking to our club doctor, we are very confident we can get Jaeger O’meara right. Unfortunately, the doctor was less enthusiastic about working with Ty Vickery, who he said is a potato. Even though we have let go of a few notable experienced players, we feel it’s an exciting time for the club, as it offers opportunities to our younger players to show how crap they really are.”
Western Bulldog’s List Manager:
“We are devastated. We are in the process of lodging a complaint to the AFL. How on earth could we, the Premeriers, end up with Travis “■■■■■■” Cloke? Minutes after doing the deal, our coach got a call from Hawks player Josh Gibson. Gibson related a conversation he had with Kyle Cheney that Travis Cloke was actually a cooked player, and that it was Michael Talia who was the secret instigator of the deal. We are furious!”
Collingwood’s List Manager:
“The best clubs are inventive. They are trend setters. We figured that copying other sides wasn’t doing us any good, so we went a different route. Whilst the others are bringing youth into the side, we have gone for guys on their last legs. We got rid of talented players aged under 25 and set our sights on older guys. We are even considering taking part in the PSD. We think Bert Newton could do a great job in our undermanned backline. We can also announce a new naming sponsor for our training facilities. We will now be training at the Le Pine Funerals Centre.”
Gold Coast’s List Manager:
“Our President offered the World and ended up with a postcard from Kuwait. We are proud of having all the even numbered picks in the draft (4,6,8 and 10). This will give us the opportunity to pick up some great player for 2 years before handing them back to their rightful owners. Our President is right. Look at his record. Under his presidency, he has lost O’Meara, Prestia and Charlie Dixon and he has brought in Jarrad Grant. That’s a legacy!”
North Melbourne’s List Manager:
“We went like for like. Brent Harvey is short - as is Hrovat. Firrito has a dodgy nose and Ahern has dodgy knees. Petrie has a club goal kicking record and Marley Williams has a criminal record. So we’re pretty happy.”
Carlton’s List Manager:
“We feel quite dejected. We made a rookie error. We felt spelling Tuohy was too hard so he had to go, but then we get him for Billy Smedts! What is the point of that ‘d’? We felt the need to get more GWS players in, as we have long prided ourselves for accepting other teams’ rubbish. We are thrilled at maintaining pick 5 because we are very keen on the brother of Blake Boekhurst.”
West Coast’s List Manager:
“We think the Vardy deal was a good one for us. We really appreciated the professionalism exhibited by Geelong, who gave him to us cheaply and chucked in some added extras like a wheelchair and an IV drip. We really appreciate it. Sam Mitchell is looking forward to a new experience and choking in a major final will give him just that!”
GWS’ List Manager:
“I’d just like to take this opportunity to give the general public the chance to buy my Ferrari. I am selling it for $10. You can have my mansion too. I’ll give that to you for a bottle of beer.”
Brisbane’s List Manager:
“We were so insulted by the AFL’s measly compensation. Pick. 19? That’s all? What the hell are we meant to do with that? So we decided to make a statement. We got rid of our best player in Hanley and tried to force our captain out the door. That’ll get the AFL’s attention. They’ll see what a basketcase we can become. Then we extended the contract of Darcy Gardener and brought in elite talent like Frost. If you will please excuse me, we are about to announce our new captain - Marco Paparone.”
Essendon’s List Manager:
“We were looking for a star, and we believe we found one. After considering John Wayne and Cary Grant, we settled for Jimmy, who won the battle for a contract by a clear neck. Losing Hibbo will be hard, but will mean there is more food for the other players at lunchtime.”