The chips should be soggy and soaked in vinegar, none of this crisp, hot Chip with chicken salt crap.
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One would hope so.
Best city to get drunk in ever.
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Solid music scene too
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oh yes - it’ll be an eye opening experience. I remember banning Boston Bun’s from Tallangatta 2nds Arvo Teas, because one game, 4 blokes decided to bring them.
I don’t see Boston Buns being an issue here. Tunnocks Caramel Wafers maybe…
I’ve consumed more chips in the last 2 years than in my previous 36. Honestly frightening how bad my diet has become.
And yes - if they’re not heavily salted, drowned in vinegar, and accompanied by either a battered sausage or haggis pakora, then you’re not doing a “Scottish chippy” right.
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Thirty plus years ago l played tennis in a doubles comp. Afternoon tea usually consisted on a packet of iced Vovo biscuits. One season my partner and l decided to lift the ante. We started rating the afternoon teas of our opposition. For home matches we decided to branch out, and started serving fruit salad and ice cream.
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Our lowest points were the guy who brought an open packet of BBQ shapes, and another who brought an open packet of those raspberry lollies.
The biggest downside of this season was that arvo teas were verboten…with 4 games at Port Fairy, I really missed big Plugger’s sausage rolls.
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We had a bloke bring a pack of minties for arvo tea one week.
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My favourite was the guys who’d bring like a sh*tty pack of chocolate biscuits, but leave them in their car on a 30 degree day.
No, they’re not still good.
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Ball mysteriously start reverse swinging after tea?
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Back in the mid 90s a few of the boys in my team had sunscreen watches. Looked like a watch but full of really thick sunscreen. We’d get stuck into the ball and by about the 30th over it was hooping all over the place. Great times.
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Bring a pack of tim-tams, gorge yourself on sausage rolls, pinwheels and cake.
Best deal ever.
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I think we were batting
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Pre-Season Training Number 5 at Torrance House in mild but showery conditions last night. The gentle aroma of hot chips (or in the Scottish vernacular “chips”) wafted across the ground in a south-easterly direction from The Glen - the Sports Club’s onsite cafe/restaurant. The Glen has been providing a takeaway/delivery service to the residents of East Kilbride throughout lockdown. Fair to say my Uber Eats account has taken a pounding over the last 12 months of lockdown…
By the by - folk over here think it’s hilarious that Just Eat is called Menulog in Australia… makes sense to me. It’s a log of menus. A menulog. What’s the issue?
Anyway - training kicked off with some slightly more intense fielding drills than we’d done previously. I am woefully unfit, however the number on the scales is starting to trend downwards which is pleasing. Nothing like some good old fashioned hard work. The pleasing thing tonight though was that about halfway through the last drill (high catches), El Capitan wanted me to go and hit the catches instead of taking them. I gleefully accepted, and started monstering the ball into the gloomy sky. The boys actually did pretty well. Not many hit the turf at all.
Our resident Sreesanth lookalike Virat once again excelled in the fielding drills - and I have since found out his actual name is Ashik. He really does glide across the turf and everything he does is just smooth. I hate him. (At the risk of being investigated for a hate crime, I don’t hate him. I quite like him. I can’t understand him when he talks, but I like him, ok?)
We had a spinners net and a quicks net operating for the duration - I started off in the spinners net, and was quite happy with my footwork both forward and back, but my eyes were drawn to the quicks net as a tall, wiry, slightly greying Pakistani was sending down some reasonably sharp bouncers. Could it be?? Do we have another seamer? I had JJ in the next net and gave it the old “who’s that fella” - to which JJ replied “Kamran - he’ll just be a place filler.”
Interesting story about JJ - claims he played at Glenelg with Chadd Sayers when he was over here, and he’s quite good mates with him. I suggested he put in a call - but somehow I can’t see the Chadd jetting in for a Scottish summer… Also reckons Alex Carey’s a weird unit who ghosted all his mates once he got picked for Australia.
Turns out (after 5 minutes on MyCricket) Double J played 10 matches of 4th grade for Glenelg in 09/10 and made 180 runs for the season, averaging 20 with the bat, and took 13 wickets at 15.92. Not bad.
Anyway, where was I?
Oh right - I got the chance to move in to the quicks net. Turns out, Kamran can bowl. I’m not sure about the “place-filler” comment at all. He is tall and has a nice smooth action, bowls a great line and length with a hint of away swing. He’s not express, but as I mentioned earlier, his short one will trouble a few. He’s the exact type of bowler that I reckon will do well over here. Only issue is he may not get a lot of pre-season training in, as we’ve just entered Ramadan.
Still no news on fixtures - that’s probably not a bad thing, because I really can’t put together a first XI. I reckon we have 8 who would be capable - myself, Ashik, El Kapitan, JJ, The Doyles, Kamran, and Gavin (if he ever shows up to training). The rest at this stage will be second graders. And it’s starting to look suspiciously like I might be opening the batting… If I was ordering cricketers off Uber Cricket, I’d order 2 opening batsmen and another seamer. With chips and haggis pakora.
Player Profiles
Kamran - Right arm veteran seamer, best years are probably behind him but still gets the job done. He actually reminds me of former Queensland/WA player Steve Magoffin. Also looks like he can bat reasonably well, and really enjoys hitting a long ball. Quietly spoken, nice fella. I like him.
Sam - Young whippersnapper of 15/16 - skinny left-arm very medium pacer with an awkward action. Tries hard, but if the easterly comes in, he’ll get blown into the Calder Water. Bowls a good line, but does drop the odd one short. Quiet. Unassuming. Can’t bat. But I like him. Plenty of promise so long as he gets some good coaching. He might become the next to sit at my Tree of Learnings. Looks a bit like McLovin.
Stick update: The Kashmir SS will undergo a sanding, oiling, and restickering to become a New Balance TC1260 this week. I really quite like it. The ball absolutely pings off the middle, hopefully a little TLC will make sure it lasts the season.
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lol’d
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Love it, looking forward to your blogs throughout the season.
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Pre-season training number 6 last night on a mild and sunny night at a busy Torrance House. Good numbers to training, not just for us, but the rugby boys had a decent turn out and were making a lot of noise too. Honestly, Scotland is a different country when the sun is out. And it reflects in the people, who suddenly start smiling and saying hello more. I really have to say, it was so good to feel some sun on the face for a change. In fact the weather was so good, that Mrs Brem and Jura the WonderPug decided to hitch a lift up to practice to catch up with one of our mates, sit in the sun and have a few bevvies up at the park. Fair to say Mrs Brem enjoys a beer more than she enjoys cricket.
Jura the Wonder Pug
Standard fielding drills to begin the night - a little bit of lanework - lead out, catch/field the ball, return to the hitter and join the back of the group. Then into a pyramid close catching drill, followed by the old faithful triangle drill at which point I DONNED THE KEEPING GLOVES. Yeah - the secret is out. And honestly, I feel like it needed to happen - I’m not going to offer much in the field besides standing in slips reminding batsmen how many dot balls they’ve faced in a row (yeah, I’m that guy), and I’d be real surprised if I’m called upon to bowl, even if I was bowling some very tidy (albeit very gentle) medium pace outswing tonight.
So. While I had the keeping gloves on (a pair of slightly worn kookaburra gloves found in the kit room), I decided to hunt down some keeping pads and make my way into the nets to keep. Managed to find a Slazenger pair and chucked them on. It was at this point I realised that the straps on children’s keeping pads don’t go around my calves. ■■■■. Now, I’d already wasted too much time looking for gear at this point, so I decided to just roll with it and hop in to Irish’s net.
Irish is David Doyle’s nickname - quite why a South African is nicknamed Irish I don’t know. And I really don’t want to open any cans of political worms right now. Anyway, Irish, as you’ll remember from earlier posts, was described by me as a compact left hander. This is completely fake news. Irish is actually a compact right-hander who favours back foot play and wields an absolutely massive SS.
I don’t know what it is about keeping gear that turns me into a bastard. But sure enough, almost the second I went into my first squat behind the stumps, the chirp started. Yeah - I’m sledging my own teammate who I’ve spent probably 10 hours with ever. I brought up everything from his oversize bat being nearly bigger than him, to his son being a better cricketer than him, to Hansie Cronje…
However, I couldn’t put him off - he’s quite a clean striker with a good technique, and combined with the bowling being absolutely dire (I think maybe 3 balls in 10 minutes got past the bat) - he had a good net and finished up. At this point, I took it upon myself to get up to the bowlers and encourage them to bowl a bit fuller, and put the gloves away.
I bowled a couple of rank off-spinners, and then got the call from El Kapitan to pad up. My favourite two words in the world right now. As I was padding up, Gavin wandered over - plumbers crack out the top of his trackie pants and said “you can definitely keep this year… we’ve not had a keeper who chirps that much in years”. For a split second I thought I was about to get complimented on my ability with the gloves, but no… it was my sledging ability. Fair enough.
Had a hit, felt reasonably good - I would say I’m hitting them as well as I ever have, except I still have this tendency to play across the line and get whacked on the pad. I need to really coach myself hard to play straight early, especially with the ball coming back in to me, or it’ll just be James Anderson v Shane Watson (google him kids) all season long. And I don’t have reviews. Though I’m told Scottish umpires don’t give lbws…
In other news:
There will be no afternoon teas this year thanks to Covid. I know there were a few of you looking forward to the afternoon tea reviews. Maybe I’ll just rate everyone else’s. Mine will probably be a cup of instant coffee and a Benson and Hedges. 11/10.
We have no rivals. Pretty much everybody hates us. JJ reckons we’re like Rangers - I said “what, we’ve only won one title ever?” That didn’t go over well. I fully expect my car to be keyed and/or have my flat windows panned in next week now. At times I don’t get Glasgow and surrounds. Half the people think they’re English, wear blue, call themselves teddy bears and love the Queen, the other half think they’re Irish, wear green, call themselves Tim, and hate the Queen. I just follow Celtic because I like Tom Rogic and Scott Brown.
Finally, the fixtures are in place, and our first game is against Stenhousemuir at home on the 22nd May, followed by a first round cup match against Perth Doo’Cot (what?) CC on the 23rd May. I’m going to be sore on the 24th.
Last time we played Stenhousemuir:
East Kilbride CC 272 (49.5)
Qasim Sheikh 69 (93) - Qasim played 7 ODI’s for Scotland.
Imran Mughal 42 (30) - I don’t know who this guy is.
Gavin “Plumbers Crack” Meikle 41 (57) - Gav faced 57 balls and didn’t get out???
Stewart “El Kapitan” Kampan 27 (19)
Rushdi Jappie 6/32 (9.5) - Hmmmm, I wonder if he still plays for them
def
Stenhousemuir CC 258 (48.2)
Rushdi Jappie 86 (94) - ■■■■, he can bat too??? Fark.
Josh Johnston 3/41 (8.2)
Mohammad Khan 3/56 (10) - I don’t know who this is.
Anyhow - 5 weeks til season kicks off - I’m feeling good. If I can drop a bit more weight, and keep hitting plenty of balls, I should be cherry ripe for Stenny.
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Okay then GBG, time for another story from the archives of my memory.
The Ring–In.
Recently l had a cricket club reunion lunch. Some of these guys l hadn’t seen for about 35 years. The stories told at the luncheon got me thinking of a time when l was called on to coach my school cricket team, as l was the only member of staff then currently playing the game. I was called in at short notice as the incumbent coach Mal ‘Sleepy’ Davey, had resigned at short notice and gone to teach at St. Bede’s in Mentone, where he had once been a student. Sleepy was something of a local cricket legend. He got his nickname when as a young man he had slept in one Saturday morning and missed out playing in Victorian Colts trial match. He was never given another chance.
He had coached the school cricket team for years, and under his leadership they had qualified for the all tech school finals series, just prior to his resignation. So, my first match as coach was the first semi, against South Melbourne. All finals matches were played on the excellent turf wicket at Oakliegh Tech, where the keen principal Mad Jack, had his horticulture students tend to the wicket, day and night. So good was this wicket that Victorian Sheffield Shield trial games were also held there. Mad Jack told me that district cricket club Prahran had asked him if they could use the pitch as their home ground, but he said they couldn’t afford the upkeep.
Enough of the preamble. Came the day of the first final we assembled at the school bus, which l was to drive to Oakliegh. As the team was getting on the bus, one player, Robbie approached me and asked if his mate could come along and play with the team. The mate’s name was Dennis Hickey, a pace bowler, who opened for district club Melbourne and was being groomed for Sheffield Shield. He was one of the fastest bowlers in the state and he was still only 18. Hickey was a student at Mordialloc High, just down the road from us, and their teachers were off on a one day stop work. I agreed, and Dennis joined us. l had to find a way to integrate Hickey into the team without giving away his identity to any opposition. I struck upon a novel idea. We had selected a student from my class, Danny O’Brien, so Dennis Hickey, became Denny, and replaced Danny, who was transferred to score book duties. The team were told to call out Denny, and they followed the plan without any slips or problems. Necessarily they were all sworn to secrecy.
The match was 40 overs and it went smoothly for us. Denny bowled from one end, l umpired from his end. I can’t recall how many overs he bowled, but he ended up with figures of 5/25. He was simply too fast for the bat. South Melbourne had a combative player who opened the batting for the South Melbourne Second XI or perhaps it was St. Kilda. Perhaps the reason he was surly was because he knew who Denny really was. Hickey kept finding the edge of his bat, but the edges flew so quickly, the slips cordon couldn’t hold on to them, they were being dragged backwards by the speed of the ball. Anyway, I gave him a wry smile when he middled the ball for the first time and was well caught at backward point, about 20 m. from the wicket. We had little trouble making the required runs to earn a spot in the next round of finals, against Collingwood Tech.
The next day back at school, l was congratulated on the victory and called upon to give a brief report to the entire staff at morning assembly. I heaped praise on our bowling, and told the staff that Danny O’Brien was to be praised and the staff should congratulate him on the excellence of his bowling. Shortly after the principal came up to me and said he had not known about the game, but if he had known of it he would have called in on his way back from some meeting. Bullet dodged. By then l am sure news of the deception had spread around the school even of only partially, a case of the students knowing something the staff didn’t. There was never any blow back on the use of the ring in, so the secret was kept.
The next match was held a week later. We couldn’t pick Denny again, the risk of the principal suddenly appearing out of nowhere and blowing the identity of the ring-in was just too great. Collingwood were captained by Grant Jordan, who was also in line for Sheffield Shield consideration. Although primarily known as a gun bat, he destroyed our top order with swing bowling, where he moved the ball appreciably. Only one of our players stuck around to make any runs, but in the end we lost by about 50 runs. I was reminded of this episode by Danny about 18 months ago when we had our own reunion. He told me this story had recently gotten a run on SEN, where he had heard it being discussed. He had then rung in to confirm the details. I have not caught up with Sleepy to ask his opinion of the right in, but like to think he would have approved of the rouse. I believe Dennis Hickey moved to South Australia to further his cricket career, but l don’t believe he ever cracked into the Sheffield Shield team.
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Love it. Takes me back to a simpler, more enjoyable time. Thanks CJ.
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My feeling is that he did make the SA Shield team. @Aceman would know better…if he’s old enough. It’d be in the 80’s, I’d think.
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