Faux Pas - All the best embarassing moments! Just for fun

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I was in Spain a few years ago and had no experience in the real world whatsoever, let alone the the continental, to say the least. Early days of courting a Scottish girl (had a Scottish name), and still trying to impress. Her mum was there too.

No it won’t end like that either.

Waiter arrives at table with a bowl of hot clear liquid and a slice of lemon. This must be a Spanish delacacy I thought, so not wanting to be discourteous I squeezed the lemon into the bowl, sprinkled some salt, picked up a soup spoon and knocked it off.

I looked up as both gf and her mum stared at me with a look that expressed both shock yet no real surprise . Her mum asked how it was.

I said I didn’t remember ordering the soup but to be honest it just tastes like hot salty lemony water.

I had never heard of using hot water to clean fingers with when eating stuff that didn’t require utensils.

My sphincter was firing on all cylinders that night, so that was a plus.

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22

You must be Scarface’s illegitimate child!

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23

Nice.

A buddy did similar in Portugal.

They offered him some sardines, or other smallish fish. As the guest they asked him to start first, he just picked up the whole sardine by the tail and ate it in one go. Like a pelican would. head, tail, guts bones.

The locals then use a small knife to cut off the head, fin, tail and seperate some of the guts. Then eat with a fork.

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24

It’s the last bit of the bird that goes over the fence and is considered a delicacy by many.

The Pope’s nose , parson’s nose or sultan’s nose is the pygostlye , a fleshy protuberance at the rear end of a bird (usually chicken, duck or turkey in culinary usage).

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25

Backpacking through Europe in the mid-90’s, we were in Prague (a magical place at the time, still is). In deference to a vastly-more-cultured-than-me travel buddy, we were heading to a church in the afternoon to witness an orchestral recital of Ave Maria.

In our infinite wisdom we thought it would be a good idea to sit in a riverside restaurant beforehand and have a few beers in the sunshine over lunch.

Once inside the church, it was warm. The combination of full belly, beers and music was soothing, too soothing. The musicians were sequestered away, up in the cloisters so there was nothing to focus on.

Sure enough, I fell asleep with my feet resting on the wooden rail in front of me, my elbows on my knees, my face held in my hands.

At some point, an elbow must’ve slid off my knee and, right in the middle of a particularly quiet passage, I face-planted into the pew in front of me with a very loud bang (which apparently echoed through the near silence of the cathedral).

Our bench was positively shaking with silent howls of laughter from my friends, who I dared not make eye-contact with (otherwise it would’ve been all over…) I felt the stern faces of the other few hundred people boring into the back of my head as I sat slumped low, hoping the ground would open up and swallow me.

It was another few minutes of excruciating self- control before things wrapped up and we bolted for the exit just about wetting ourselves with laughter. I didn’t just tap the pew… I had a large “egg” in the middle of my forehead for a few days afterwards…

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26

I was moving house one year in between uni or some other complete waste of time, and couldn’t be bothered unpacking so just placed cupboards, draws et al in the back of a trailer as they where.

Unfortunately securing the drawers hadn’t occurred to me so turning a corner at speed, my other drawers came flying out along with all sorts of other ob je da that provided a fascinating 10 or so minutes for people backed up in traffic to see who I really was inside.

Yes, there may have been a video collection in there.

It truely was gutter level stuff.

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28

My very first job that I had was working as a dishwasher/ kitchenhand. It was a casual job after school on Friday and Saturday nights.

My main task was to wash dishes in the restaurant’s industrial-type dishwashing “machine”. Other tasks were to help the sous chef prepare various dishes.

One night early on in the night when it was a bit quiet before the dinner rush started, I was scrounging around for something to do. The Head Chef gave me a tray of different varieties of cheese from out of the cool room that looked like they’d been sitting around for quite some time with the insteuctions to " Put them through the machine".

I was a bit confused but as it was my first job and with being a naive 16 year old, who was I too argue and to question the boss? So I did as instructed, or so I thought.

As the night wore on and it got busier I was approached by the Chef and asked where the cheese was. I pointed over to it and with a look of horror on his face he yelled “What did you do to it?”, confused I replied " I put it through the machine just like you asked me to", " Not the dishwasher machine, the grating machine you idiot!" he screamed.

Yeah! So! You could imagine how small and embarrassed I felt at that moment. But bloodyhell, I only knew of one " machine" in the kitchen up to that stage of my career.

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29

Worth not eating if you read this.
Scene: New Year’s Eve, early 90’s, small seaside town. Every year the main street gets blocked off at about 6pm and a big party happens… I’m 16 or so and have a job as a kitchen hand in one of the hotels. It’s about 4pm and I’ve headed down the main street to begin a shift at the hotel…

Incident#1
All of the locals have started early and have congregated on the steps of the post office. I stop by for a few minutes to see what’s happening. Corey W is ‘going for the record’ and is halfway through a slab. My two best mates have cheaper tastes, and have already carved through most of a 4L flagon of warm Moselle. Benny thinks it’s high time to block off the street and get the party started so he incredibly (and looking back now I really don’t know what he was thinking) rolls a metal bin into the street and under the bumper of a passing car. We quickly find out that it isn’t just any car when the driver pulls out a shiny police badge, glinting in the sun. He orders Benny to go an retrieve the bin which he does, meekly, pale-faced and with head bowed. We all expect him to be arrested, but instead the cop drives off, and Ben returns to the steps and his flagon.
But this has put the zap on Benny it seems, because he looks suddenly dazed and far-off though about 30 people are heckling him and laughing. He gets up unsteadily and proceeds to erupt like a vomit volcano or geyser in front of everyone. Now Benny was a big boy (6’3 or so and heavyish) but no-one could believe the amount coming out of him. And not just the amount, but the quality of the contents - he’d clearly had sausages for lunch, and a lot of them - perhaps a dozen or more. But the really weird thing was that a lot of them seemed to be basically whole, with only a few bite marks on them. Watching on, it was hard not to be astounded and disgusted in equal measure.
I left for my shift with the jeering and cheering of locals and tourists alike echoing down the main street. For years after Benny was known as “Snags” in the town.

I go to work, do a lot of dishes, make a lot of chicken kievs, oysters kilpatrick and whiting, mop up, hang up the apron and get ready to head out to the party - it’s about 12:30am.

Incident 2
Every year the same music - Madonna’s ‘Celebrate’, Cold Chisel ‘Khe Sahn’, ‘The final countdown’. There are several thousand people in the main street, and at this point in the night every one is having a great time and getting a bit ■■■■■■. I’m trying to move towards the post office end of the street, where I figure Corey, Snags and the rest of the locals will still be doing their thing. Before I get there though, I see one of the strangest and most disgusting things I think I’ve ever seen, in any country. It’s like a dream. The crowd parts to form a big circle around two guys (not locals) who are standing on eskies, about two or three feet from each other. At first I think they are dancing. But then I can see that they aren’t dancing, they’re not doing the twist or the lambada - they have their penises out and are urinating on each other, both of them sort of swiveling back and forth like a sprinkler, a look of absolute joy and happiness on their faces. With about 300 people around them watching, mostly speechless. The crowd closes and I move on, a sadder and wiser man…

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30

The missus told me about one of her friends going through the death of her mother. Another in a group text chimed in with an acronym that she thought meant ‘lots of love’….

Oops.

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LOL

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Reminds me of a 2 ronnies Joke:

Group of soccer fans being served chicken by the host.
To guest 1 “You support Bristol right? You can have the breast”.
To guest 2 “and you the red legs? You can have the drumstick”

Guest 3 “I support Arsenal, but I’m not hungry”.

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