I cannot believe it.
I am doing some minor renovations at home and had to ring the council.
I asked if I could have a skip outside my place.
They said go for it fatty knock yourself out you could probably do with the exercise.
I had a serious accident at work.
I work in a bakery and a lost a few fingers in the bread slicer.
Everyone freaked out.
I went to the doctors and he checked me out.
I asked him if I would be able to drive with the hand.
He said Maybe but I would not count on it.
you obviously like Tommy Cooper
i have two favourite Tommy Cooper jokes
My daughter married a TV repairman
The wedding was good but the reception was brilliant
patient:Doctor … I keep singing “ the green green grass of home , is that common?”
doctor: “ It’s not unusual “
There was the guy who got the old fella stuck in the bacon slicer.
He got fired.
So did the bacon slicer.
Subject: Philosophy for the masses
Steven Wright has a different way of looking at the world.
If you’re not familiar the work of Steven Wright, he’s the famous Erudite
(comic) scientist who once said: “I woke up one morning, and all of my
stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.”
His mind sees things differently than most of us do.
Here are some of his gems.
1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend … but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 - If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you and the all-time favorite:
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I recognise at least half of those as MSN screen names from 20 years ago
Was always my favourite
A wealthy white man walked into a bar in Miami. As soon as he entered, he noticed an African woman (black), sitting in one corner. He walked over to the counter, removed his wallet and shouted, “Bartender! I’m buying drinks for everyone in this bar, except that black woman over there!” The bartender collected the money and began serving free drinks to everyone in the bar, except the African woman. Instead of becoming upset, the black woman simply looked up at the guy and shouted, “Thank you!”
This infuriated the wealthy guy. So once again, he took out his wallet and shouted, “Waiter! This time I am buying bottles of wine and additional food for everyone in this bar, except for that African sitting in the corner over there!” The bartender collected the money from the man and began serving free food and wine to everyone in the bar except the African. When the waiter finished serving the food and drinks, the African woman simply smiled at the man and said, Thank you!"
That made him furious. So he leaned over the counter and asked the bartender, “What is wrong with that black woman? I have bought food and drinks for everyone in this bar except for her, and instead of becoming angry, she just sits there, smiles at me and shouts ‘Thank you.’ Is she mad?”
The bartender smiled at the wealthy man and said, “No, she is not mad. She is the OWNER of this establishment.”
Here’s one for the acrophobiacs among you to enjoy. Fred Dibnah, the famous steeplejack. To enjoy this cartoon fully, enlarge it to full screen:
Ahh Fred Dibnah. I only found out about him a few years ago when an old Scotsman who worked with us mentioned him in passing.
I went at least a week of watching every Fred video I could find. Such an amazing bloke. I wish I could have met him. Ice in his veins. They don’t make ‘em like him anymore.
