Red and Black Humour

I wanted to sue the airline because they damaged my luggage.
I showed the badly damaged remains to my lawyer.
He said, "You don't have much of a case."




A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."




Paddy is waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck goes by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy says, 'I gonna do that when I win the lottery'

'What's dat?' says his mate.

'Send me lawn away to be cut'.




A federal Police officer stops at a ranch in Roma, and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The farmer says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The federal Police officer explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.

No questions asked or answers given.

Have I made myself clear??

Do you understand!!

The farmer nods politely.

A short time later, the old farmer hears loud screams and sees the federal Police officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.

The officer is clearly terrified.

The farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your BADGE, Show him your BADGE !!!! " 


I watched my first ■■■■■ the other day...


Geez I was in good shape back then.



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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck'.


What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it man.


A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.

''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of ■■■■!''


The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."


Two couples go away on a two-week holiday together. After a week they are thoroughly bored. The men decide that if they change partners maybe life will take on new meaning. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying. The morning after the exchange, one fellow says: ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.''


A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is."
The guy says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your ■■■■■, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords..."
The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
The guy says, "Dddeal....Dddo it!"
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"
The doctor says, "P p p ■■■■ o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.!!!


Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."

But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.

She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."

But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me.."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."

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A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.  It's this Viagra," he says.  "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asked him if he would like something.  "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, It‘s really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie?
Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me?  I'm ■■■■■■ starving."


Little Johnny is sitting in class when the teacher announce, "Today children, we going to do some word association. I will give you a letter, and you will give me a wor starting with that letter okay. The first letter is A." Little Johnny throws his hand up in the air quick as can be and the teacher says "Okay Johhny, give me a word that starts with A." "Arseholes Miss", says little Johnny. The teacher blushes a little and asks another student "Apples Miss", says young Wendy. "Very good Wendy", says the teacher. "The next letter is B" says the teacher. Little Johnny throws his hand up in the air and starts saying, "Pick me miss, pick me." The teacher ignores him and picks another student. "Binoculars Miss", says Peter. "Very good Peter, thank you", says the teacher. "Then next letter is C", says the teacher and little Johnny is almost having a fit , putting his hand up and waving it around trying to get her attention. The teacher again ignores him and asks another student. "Constantinople", says young Tracy. "Very impressive Tracy", says the teacher. "The next letter is D", says the teacher. This time Little Johnny is on his feet, hand thrusting wildly in the air saying, "Pick me Miss, come on pick me. Go on Miss, I have an answer". The theacher thinks to herself that she can't think of too many foul words that start with D so relents, and picks little Johnny. Little Johnny looks straight at the teacher and says, "Dwarves miss, with great big ■■■■■■ and hairy balls". The teacher thinks to herself, this hasn't gone well, I will change the subject. "Okay Children, now we are going to do some general knowledge. What do they call the thing the put on top of a church steeple?" says the teacher. Young Wendy pipes up, "A weathercock Miss". "That's right Wendy", says the teacher. "Does anyone know why they call it a ■■■■?", to which Little Johnny immediately responds "Because if the put an effing c&^t up there Miss, the wind would blow through it!"

Two drunks, sitting at the bar, watching the pub dog licking it's balls. One turns to the other and says, "Gee Mick, I wish I could do that." Mick turns around and says "Well, give him a biscuit and he might let ya."

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What do you call a Deer with no eyes?


No idea.


What do you call a Deer with no eyes and no legs?


Still no idea.


What do you call a dog with no legs?


Anything you want, he still won't come.

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A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws." The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking for a few minutes. Finally, the Rabbi said,




"Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it man.

What do you do if you see a fireman?


Put it out, man


"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. 
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A ■■■■■■ Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "■■■■■■ Nuisance "warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. 
The Scots have raised their threat level from "■■■■■■ Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. 
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly "to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides." 
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose." 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. 
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries "to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain:"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level". 
John Cleese 
British writer, actor and tall person

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.   He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across  a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. 
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10  years old. It's shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such  great condition for 10 years.   'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the  bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the  chrome.  It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. 
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.Naturally, they take the bike there.  Just before they enter the house,Sandra stops him and says  'I have to tell you something about my family.   'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.  In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says and in they go.  Joe is shocked.   Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of  dirty dishes.  In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up  on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he  looks.....Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.   As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the  situation.  He leans over and kisses Sandra.  No one says a word.  He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.  So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.  His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.  He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.  Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.  She has a big ■■■■■■, & Joe sits down.  His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain..  Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.  Suddenly the father shouted..........................I'll  do the ■■■■■■ dishes!!

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A hunter goes out one day, armed with his .458 Winchester, looking to bag some big game. He is walking through the woods when suddenly, he sees the largest Grizzly Bear he has ever seen. This beast of a bear is fully 5 feet high at the shoulder, and would stand 12 feet tall on it's hind legs. He thinks to himself, "I gotta get me that there Bear. I could cover my entire study floor with a rug made from him." He swings up the rifle, takes aim,  and bang shoots the bear. After blinking after the shot, he looks at where the bear was and can't see him. He walks over, looks around the bush, looking for a blood trail, nothing. He feels at tap on his shoulder, turns around, and there is the bear. He looks at it and knows that he is dead, no hope whatsoever, this bear is huge and extremely ■■■■■■ off. Then the bear speaks to the hunter and says, "Right buddy, you've got two choices, either I can rip your ******* heart out of your chest and bury the still beating mess in the forest, or you can turn around and I am going to **** you up the ■■■■!" The hunter thinks to himself,"God, I don't want to die", so he consents to let the bear have it's way with him. 2 hours later, the bear is done, and the hunter goes home.


For 2 weeks, what the bear has done eats at the hunter's mind, until eventually he snaps. "I'm gonna get that ******* bear", he says to himself. So he goes and buys an assault rifle, loads up the 50 round magazine and goes hunting. He is walking through the woods, when he gets to the same part of the forest, and sure enough, there is the bear. He swings up the rifle and lets rip on fully automatic, blasting everything in sight into pieces. When he is empty, he goes over looking for the bear, sure this time it is dead. But when he gets there, no bear, no blood, nothing. Then he feels a tap on the shoulder. He turns around, and there is the bear. The bear says "You again hey, well, you know your options, what's it going to be?" The hunter turns around and drops his trousers. 3 hours later, the bear is finished and the hunter goes home.


This time it only takes him 2 days until he snaps. He goes out and buys an RPG launcher and 50 grenades. He goes back to the woods, same spot, same bear. He opens up like no tomorrow with the launcher, firing round after round at the bear. Trees are falling, rocks are shattering, earth is flying. When he is finished, he walks over... no bear. He feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and the bear says, "You don't come here for the hunting do you?"

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.

She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro Graham saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early ?

What's wrong ?'
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where ?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

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