I didn’t need the clamp😄
1 Like
The “5A” on the door is correct, but Garcia was right-handed, so why is he mirrored in this picture ?
I called into the pub, said to the barman “ Just a pale ale please, none of that special stout. I had 12 pints last night and ended up f ucking skint”. “ But the stouts on special, only 4$ a pint”. He answered.
“ I know, but skint is the name of my dog”
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A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out…
“Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley… YOU RIDE IT!!”.
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I got attacked by 3 blokes last night. I managed to knock one out.
Probably wasn’t the best time to have a wank but I thought it might be my last chance.
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A MESSAGE FROM THE KING
To the citizens of the United States of America from His Sovereign Majesty King Charles III
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
His Sovereign Majesty King Charles III will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which he does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Sir Keir Starmer, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. No, you can’t have Harry!
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
- Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ‘‘like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u’’ and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
- July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
- You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
- Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
- All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
- The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
- You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
- The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
- You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). If you ever really learn to man up, we might even let you play Rugby League, but that’s decades away, you’re just not tough enough.
- Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
- An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from His Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
- Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 3:16 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the King!
5 Likes
And they have to buy a kettle, either gas or electric.
None of this heating water for tea in the microwave.
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I had a similar real life experience like that. We had a display booth at a scientific conference in Hobart some years ago. I was around 50 at the time, and an old high school friend who was now a professor at Monash University came to the stand. I saw the name tag, sort of recognised him and asked if he went to my old school, which he did. I introduced him to my colleague who was Irish, and the professor introduced the woman with him. Before I could say anything, my Irish colleague commented how nice it was to bring your Mother on a trip to Tassie. Yep it was his Wife, and ironically he was a geneticist researching aging .
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I’m not paying any attention to anything they say at all until they outlaw the glottal stop and punish offenders by cutting their tongues out.
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Three guys walking along the beach, find a lamp and sure enough after a few rubs the genie comes out and says “I’ll grant all of you three wishes each”
First guy says “I wish for a billion dollars”. Bang, checks his bank account and sure enough he’s got a billion.
Second guy says “I wish for two billion dollars”, Bang, checks his bank account and there’s two billion in there.
Third guy says “I wish my right arm would just circle clockwise like a windmill all day every day for the rest of my life”. Just like that his arm starts rotating.
Genie Says “Right whats your second wishes?”
First guy wishes for a mansion in the Hamptons, a second later he gets an email from a real estate agent saying the home is now his.
Second guy says “I wish for an even bigger mansion in the Hamptons”, his phone dings and there’s an email about his mansion.
Third guy says “I wish my left arm would rotate anti-clockwise like a windmill all day, every day for the rest of my life”. Now he’s got both arms going in opposite directions.
“Now good sirs, your final wish” Says the genie.
“I wish I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world”, in a cloud of smoke next to him stands an absolute stunner.
Second guy says “Well I wish I was married to an even more beautiful woman than him”, another cloud of smoke and there she is.
Third guy says “I wish that my head would just constantly bob up and down all day every day for the rest of my life”. And just like that his head starts bobbing.
Exactly one year later they all meet up to see how their lives are going.
First guy shows up in a million dollar car, wife on his arm, fancy clothes and says “My life is perfect, look at my house, my wife, my car, all this money. Doesn’t get any better”. Second guy shows up in a helicopter, wife jumps out with him, they both say “Our life is wonderful, we are so in love, billions of dollars, houses all over the world, private jets, it’s just the best”.
Third guy walks over with his arms flailing all over the place, head bobbing uncontrollably, looking frustrated and says “I reckon I stuffed those wishes up”.
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I got chatting to a nice woman online. She asked me to describe myself. I said I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t gamble, I definitely do not sleep around and I 'm normally in bed by nine. She said I sound perfect. I didn’t tell her it was all gonna change though the day they let me out of jail.
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What is “Letters.” short for?
Probably the rest of the alphabet, most of whom were not represented in that sign-off.
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