Red and Black Humour

[swoodley]

Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood.

He’s signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!

The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.

When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.

‘Hello mum, guess what?’ he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media…

‘Wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.’

The young Iraqi is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, I’m so sorry.’

‘Sorry? You’re sorry?’ says his mum, ‘It’s your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!’

[Maxx]

I never realised jogging in your 50s would be such a great way to meet new people.

Just today I met two nurses, two EMTs and a cardiologist.

I was so close to meeting Jesus too.

[percebushby]

[b00bytrap]

[Captain_Jack]

Rotherham Bugle

14 hours ago

A local man is being tipped for recognition in the King’s birthday honours later in the year, after discovering what he says is a cl!tor!s. If confirmed, he will be the first man from the borough to find one in over 50 years.

Cliff Wragg, 52, from Kimberworth says he was at home with his wife Brenda last week, when the historic discovery was made. The mild-mannered bus driver was typically modest about the achievement when we caught up with him at work as he pulled out on a Nissan Micra without warning before making a wanker sign to the bemused elderly occupants.

“It was just a stroke of luck,” he told us “I wasn’t really looking for it, I mean, why would you? But I strayed into an area I don’t normally visit. There’s been a bit of deforestation of late, which I think might have helped. And then I saw it. I wasn’t sure what it was at first, but when Brenda woke up, I knew I was on to something.”

Wife Brenda says the first thing she knew about the discovery was when she regained consciousness with Cliff’s Maglite shining in her eyes and with an unfamiliar feeling ‘down below’. “We’ve been married for over 30 years, “she said “and this is definitely a first. Obviously, I knew it was down there, but I thought Cliff had more chance of finding the Lost City of Atlantis. I haven’t been as impressed since he unblocked the bog.”

Cliff says his only regret is that this could be a once in a lifetime thing. “I know roughly where it was and what it looked like,” he said “but now I wish I’d used a marker pen or a bit of blue tac or something to guide me back to the spot. I toyed with the idea of sending up a flare, but thought it might set off the smoke alarm.”

Students of local history will know that the only other previously recorded discovery of a cl!tor!s in the borough was in 1966 when a man named Sidney Hardacre was over-enthusiastic in his search of a piece of chewing gum, spat out in a pub during celebration of Geoff Hurst’s winning goal in the world cup final at Wembley, and was subsequently arrested.

[Captain_Jack]

[SnappyTom]

[Joe]

That’s really funny!

[OBITV]

[SnappyTom]

[Joe]

[swoodley]

I found myself in a pub in Darwin.

A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Aussies think you’re great drinkers.

I bet $5,000 that no-one here can drink 30 cans of beer in 30 minutes."

The bar was silent, the American noticed one Old Aussie bloke leaving, no-one took up the bet.

40 minutes later the Old bloke who left returned and said “Hey Yank, is your little bet still on?”

“Sure" said the American, “30 cans in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000.”

“No worries” replied the old bloke, “crack the cans and start the clock.”

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

“OK Yank, pay up.” said the old bloke.

“I’m happy to pay, here’s your money” said the Seppo.

"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?’

The old Aussie bloke replied, “Well sir, $5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”

[Maxx]

[Maxx]

The perfect body

[SnappyTom]

The female praying mantis (see above), which is considerably larger than the male sometimes bites the head off their mate and eats him during or after copulation—a behavior known as sexual cannibalism. Hope that doesn’t catch on..

[SnappyTom]

[SnappyTom]

[SnappyTom]

[OBITV]

I used to work with a bloke nicknamed ‘Pothole’ because he was always in the bloody road.

[OBITV]