A mate of mine is a bit of a fetishist. Lately he’s been into sade-ism, beasty-ality and necrophilia.
I feel he’s just flogging a dead horse…
3 Likes
Hmmmm … … … … seems it’s short joke time
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: “Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Slim says: “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really? Like a newborn baby?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
5 Likes
Classic
1 Like
Sarcasm not even featured. Awesome! (See what I did there).
3 Likes
A couple of weeks ago, John played with new member, Tom, who shot an even-par 72. The pair had fun during the round, so John asked Tom if he wanted to play next week.
Tom said, “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
The following week Tom showed up right on time and set up on the first tee this time playing left-handed. Again he shot a 72.
John asked him if he wanted to play again next week.
Tom replied, “Sure, but I might be a half hour late.”
Confused, John asked him, “How come some times you play right handed and other times lefthanded.”
Tom answered,”When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right handed.”
John then asked, “So,what if she is laying flat on her back?”
“That’s when I’ll be a half hour late!” Tom replied
6 Likes
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? 
DONALD TRUMP: I’ve been told by my many sources, good sources - they’re very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it’s a really good road. It’s a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
JOE BIDEN: Why did the chicken do the…thing in the…you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he’s a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
■■■■ CHENEY: Where’s my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
9 Likes
“ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone…”
Gold
3 Likes
12 Likes
this was just… chef’s kiss
An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is).
As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out.
The father leans over and whispers to the son, “Son, go get your mother!”
15 Likes
Q: What goes “Clip, clop … clip, clop … clip, clop … BANG! Clipclop-clipclop-clipclop”?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
3 Likes
11 Likes
A friend of mine’s son was wearing an elect Trump 2020 button and hat. He’s been spat on, punched, and verbally abused. l hate to think what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
9 Likes
For those who can’t read.
So, a snail wins Tattslotto, and decides " I need a new set of wheels"
Goes into the local auto mall, and heads strait to the Tesla dealership.
The salesmen, although a little bemused, eventually walks over and asks if he can help the small, curious gastropod.
The snail says, " I’d like to buy a Tesla. But it must be a specific model"
“Oh”, says the salesman, “so what were you after?”
“Well I don’t want the 3, or the X or the Y or even the roadster- it has to be the S” the snail said.
So the salesman went off, and brings back a bright shiny new Tesla for the snail, who promptly paid for the car on the spot. Just as the snail was about to leave, the salesman approached him and said, " I must ask, why this particular model? Is it the style, the performance, or the superb online reviews?"
“Actually”, said the snail, " none of those things at all. It;s just being such a small snail, I’ve always wanted to be noticed. So now when I drive down the road, everyone will stop and say:
Look at that s-car-go!!"
10 Likes
A priest, an imam and a rabbit go to the Red Cross to donate blood. The nurse asks them all if they know what blood type they are.
The priest says, “I am type A.”
The imam says, “I am type AB.”
“I’m not sure,” says the rabbit. “I think I’m a type O.”
15 Likes
