Is this even possible? 
What does that even mean ?
Basically pushed it off the roof; at least thats what I think it means.
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It would be so nice if the biggest indiscretion Dan Houston had brought into my life was reminding me of that radio ad where some fkwit calls up a bloke called Houston and screams at him about retaining wall steel. By the way, have a bit of spine about you and tell old mate that his crap planning doesn’t make it an emergency at your end and he can do one. But I digress.
Dan Houston is a friggin grot. Absolute dumpster of a human. Pigpen of the old Peanuts comics who lived his life enveloped by a dust cloud would meet this bloke and go “jesus mate at least go under a sprinkler or something.” When he goes to the airport he always sticks a few coins up his bot bot just so he guarantees he’ll get a cavity search. He then spends the coins on Twirl bars and eats them in a single gulp. He has a lifetime ban from the Hamra Centre Library, won’t go into why. Travis Boak reckons he once saw him use a Phillips head screwdriver to dig dog poo out of his footy boots then use the same screwdriver to stir his Lucozade two minutes later. Can’t verify that story but I’ve no reason to not believe it.
He not only collects his own toenail clippings, but he asks teammates for theirs as well. I remember seeing a Facebook Live post by Darcy Bryne-Jones from the Port Adelaide gym that ended abruptly when there was a loud noise that sounded exactly like a balloon filled with tinned spaghetti popping and Ken Hinkley shouting “NOT AGAIN!” Last time he used the sauna it was closed for the next three weeks. Someone my cousin knows at a pathology lab got one of those bowel screening kits sent from him, but it was just the envelope it was sent out in. Her words - “packed in like Vegemite”.
His opening line with the ladies at the Lighthouse Wharf Hotel is his impression of Alexsander from the Compare the Meerkat ads. Not disgusting as such, just a bit odd. More than a few people have noted that whenever he goes to the beach, every single seagull immediately scatters. Once saw him cause a scene at a LaPorchettas because what he believed to be parmesan cheese is most definitely NOT parmesan cheese. He almost always had the runs, but about two months ago they suddenly stopped and no one is game to ask how.
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I don’t know how this happened, but for some reason my phone number is in Pat Lipinski’s phone as “Diary”, I was only able to work this out after I started getting all these texts from him that started “dear diary”. This is probably the best thread to share some of them in so here goes…
dear diary, I had this idea today to finally see what happens inside a dishwasher when it’s on. Bevo said he didn’t have any scuba gear I could borrow though and reckons no one else at the club would either
dear diary, caleb daniel called me a short ■■■ at training yesterday so today I went to luna park to check if I was tall enough to go on all the rides and it turns out I am so he’s wrong. I didn’t actually go on any of the rides because I had too much coke zero.
dear diary, got a massive fright earlier today. I went to grab my phone but accidentally grabbed my ipad and for a moment I thought I had shrunk
dear diary, was late to training today because I poured a can of red bull in my garden and then got about halfway through drinking 20 litres of water out of the watering can before I realised what I’d done
dear diary, today I went to ikea with mitch honeychurch to get some stuff for his new place. At the checkout the lady said are you gonna pay for the plunger too? What plunger I said? Turns out one had fallen off a shelf and stuck to my head about 20 minutes earlier and mitch said he didn’t know how to bring it up so didn’t say anything.
dear diary, me and some of the boys went paintballing. I wasn’t very good, I kept getting shot in the face mask in like the first minute of each round. During the lunch break the guy working there showed me how to hold the gun around the right way and I played much better after that
dear diary, some of the AFLW players were doing handstands and so I gave it a shot, but it turns out you need to put your arms on the ground yourself first it doesn’t just happen automatically. Seeing the dentist tomorrow.
dear diary, I went to the ice rink today with Jason Johanissen and Toby McLean and whizzed around a few laps but didn’t like it much because my feet got really cold and wet. Jason reckons I’d enjoy it more if I wore skates out there but I’m not so sure
dear diary, took the cheese greater I bought at ikea the other week back because it didn’t make the cheese greater at all it just cut it up into really small bits
dear diary, I went to get some Maccas today to get a Big Mac but remember someone at the club said I shouldn’t eat red meat, dairy or carbs. After I told the Maccas person this they just gave me a handful of lettuce.
dear diary, I watched Toy Story 3 tonight. About halfway through one of my teddy bears fell off the shelf on to my face. The fire bridge guys that helped me down reckon my ceiling will need to be replaced.
dear diary, I went for a run today but it was pretty boring, so I decided to chuck a stick as far as I could, then run after it and do it again. Set a PB for 5k. No wonder dogs fkng love doing that
dear diary, I don’t think Tom Liberatore likes me. We were over in Adelaide playing Port Adelaide and I got a postcard from Tom that said “miss you and wish you were here” and the picture on the back was of him taking a dump on my bed at home
dear diary, at the airport the airplane lady asked if I wanted a seat with extra leg room and I said no thanks. I don’t know why she asked me that because I only have two legs.
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Hahahaha. Love it.
Actual tears. fk me. 
He sounds like one of the smarter ones from Footscray.
Wonderful.
This is unbelievably good. Amazing. A+++
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simmo, Can not thank you enough for that. Beyond outstanding.
loved this one (of many)
dear diary, got a massive fright earlier today. I went to grab my phone but accidentally grabbed my ipad and for a moment I thought I had shrunk
simmo’s productivity on thursday/friday must be zero
Outstanding research.
SPECIAL FINALS EDITION
Earlier this afternoon I was wondering about why pigeons seem to walk everywhere and rate flying an inconvenience, but then there’s homing pigeons who are bred for racing and unless they’re running like Rob de Castella across the countryside then that kind of invalidates my earlier hypothesis but sometimes there must be homing pigeons who go “stuff this” and go elsewhere at which point they cease to be homing pigeons because if you misplace a homing pigeon then all you’ve really ceded is a regular pigeon and even then if humans were able to fly we would also probably view it as exercise and never do it. Then I remembered this thread. Trouble is, I don’t know any of the West Coast players well enough to have stories about them because they live in Perth and why would anybody voluntarily go there unless you’re a homing pigeon who was released from Bassendean or something.
So instead these are just rumours I’ve heard.
I heard once that Mark Hutchings regularly prank calls pizza deliveries but only to his own house because that’s the only address he knows
I heard once that Jeremy McGovern went and saw Mamma Mia because he thought it was going to be about Italian food
I heard once that Lewis Jetta is scared of ice cream
I heard once that Dom Sheed did the American Pie thing with a vanilla slice
I heard once that Elliot Yeo does the Abbey Road thing at every pedestrian crossing he sees until at least four cars beep their horn
I heard once that Brad Sheppard always swears he’s done with the Marvel movies but then sees the next one anyway
I heard once that Luke Shuey stares a bit too long at women breastfeeding in public
I heard once that Andrew Gaff only volunteered to do talks at women’s prisons after seeing some boobs on Orange Is The New Black
I heard once that Jack Darling has a tattoo of Winnie the Pooh holding a balloon
I heard once that Chris Masten has like five cats and his house fkn stinks
I heard once that Tom Barrass often throws dead magpies into Coles self serve checkout queues and yells “catch!”
I heard once that Jamie Cripps can control his pubic hair with his mind
I heard once that Shannon Hurn got his Huawei phone stuck playing Girlfriend by Avril Lavigne and smashed it to bits in a rage. The Chinese spy monitoring the phone got a bit shocked because that song is considered a banger where he is from
I heard once that Will Schofield is allergic to lycra and every waking moment for him is pure agony
I heard once that Jack Redden rants on Twitter heaps about “the lefties ruining everything” but then votes Greens every election
I heard once that Willie Rioli doesn’t want to close his eyes, and doesn’t want to fall asleep because he’d miss you babe
I heard once that Josh Kennedy is still banned from Myspace
I heard once that Liam Ryan holds one-person pro-climate change rallies in his bedroom
I heard once that Nic Naitanui goes on Realestate dot com ads to fund his knitting habit
I heard once that Jake Waterman brags about going to strip clubs when instead he’s actually just standing out the front of Club X too scared to go in
I heard once that Tom Hickey once played for St Kilda
I heard once that Jackson Nelson regularly campaigns for greater LGBTQI representation in pornographic films
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Nice copy pasta.
nah
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BOOOOOOOOOOOO
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