The mental health thread

General Gibberish Forums The Dog's Breakfast
1237

For all you folks who are in an abusive relationship and are stranded at home with a borderline psychopath, there are hotlines and avenues out of your situation. Take action now but, do it smart. You aren’t alone and you aren’t helpless.

For all the men who are currently in an abusive relationship, you aren’t any less of a man or a human being if you ask for help. Secondly, you need to recognize you’re in an abusive relationship. Just because a woman repeatedly hits you or antagonizes you on the regular, doesn’t mean you’re a ■■■■■, it doesn’t mean you lose masculinity points, it doesn’t make you less of a human being and most importantly, it doesn’t make it ANY LESS of an issue just because you’re a man.

Get help, reach out, SPEAK.

This is one of many hotlines, use it.

1800respect.org.au

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1238

Just as a side note, i’ve sat in rooms being held hostage with partners that have threatened to end their lives if i leave.

I’ve gotten in to altercations with random people on the street after an ex-partner heckled and abused me while i was trying to get home, going as far as throwing fists and trying to choke me while i stood there taking it because retaliation was not an option. Two men stepped in and proceeded to try and belt me because they saw a woman in distress and assumed she was violently retaliating against an abuser.

I’ve had thousands of dollars drained out of my account because i demanded an ex partner to vacate my home.

I’ve been threatened with knives.

I’ve been told that if i spoke to anybody it would make me look like a girl and no one would believe an innocent little girl could possibly say and do such abusive and violent things.

I’ve had my property smashed, withheld, thrown away and sold off against my consent.

The list goes on.

Recognize it for what it is, make moves.

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1239

Many people in Australia simply don’t believe men can be abused just as badly or worse in relationship than women. I worked with a guy whose drug addled wife would go off her head and become violent. They had twin boys. I got a phone call one night in-between screaming down the phone went over to check them out. The children were terrified so badly they couldn’t speak. Their father had two black eyes, a long cut down his face where it looked like he had dodged a knife, his shirt was ripped and he had bruises all over his body. The house was a shambles with broken glass and crockery. As I was organising things I decided to push the couch against the front door, just in case. He said, “What are you doing that for?” I said to keep us all safe. He said,“She won’t be back now until tomorrow.”

I had just put the kettle on, settled the boys down when there was this loud bang. She was back and had run over the front fence. I went out the back and picked up a long handled shovel and locked the back door and pushed a lounge chair against it. The next thing a crash as an axe came through the front door and the glass broke. I threw my friend the phone and said ring triple 000. He couldn’t because he was in a ball on the floor. The kids were in their room screaming. I rang triple 000 and said you’d better get someone here quickly there could be four dead people.

As the door continued to be smashed, I moved up the passage and stood on the couch to the left of the front door. If she came in I would smash her with the shovel that was my plan. Those sounds of the axe smashing the door were the loudest bangs I have ever heard. There were three chains on the door and a floor bolt. She was getting crazier and crazier. Then I heard the siren and breathed a sign of relief. It went straight past and up the road and I thought fffuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkk!!! I knew what was coming. The siren got loud again as the Police pulled into the driveway. She attacked their vehicle with the axe and they shot her in the leg. I looked down at myself and I had wet my pants. Another Police car turned up and picked up my friend and his two boys. They asked me if I was o.k. I said No, but I will be.

A few days later I went over to check on my friend and his boys. He said, “What were you going to do if she got in here?” I said we’ll never know because it didn’t happen. Sometimes, I wonder…

It was the turning point in his life, he got help for himself and the boys. He has since re-married and I was at the wedding. They have turned their lives around but they wouldn’t have done it without help. Get help nothing will change for the better without it.

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1240

That is one hell of an incident. Well done on being their for support!

1241

Fk.

Without wanting to sound trite I had a big shining thing going on in my head with the axe - it even had twins.

Without prying I’ve got to ask what happened to the Mum

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1242

I had to move out of home at 18 and start working full-time in sales to pay rent/bills.

I’m now 33, still in Sales, married with 2 kids and I can’t stand the work life “balance”

I leave for work when the kids get up, and get home as they are going to bed Monday-Friday.

Saturday’s are great.

Sunday, all i can do is stress about going back to work.

All i want to do is spend time with my wife and kids, the only things that make me happy anymore, yet work takes up my entire life.

I am also frequently getting sick and run down, so occasionally i’ll lose the Saturday as well…

To break the 15 year mould and spend a significant chunk of of time with the kids (whilst they still want to hang out with us) we had been saving for a 12-month gap year in September.

Although we are still both working 5 days, our incomes have been hammered by COVID and this wont be happening anymore.

I should be grateful for what i have, i know that. But I am miserable.

I constantly go to bed at night hoping i don’t have to wake up in the morning. Then i get angry at myself for being ungrateful. Its a ■■■■■■ up cycle

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I was waiting for someone to ask that question. Wait for it …………………………….mental health issues, drug dependency and came with a very violent history. She had been in jail before, has several convictions for violence and had even kidnapped her kids at one point.

She was given a custodial sentence if she went into rehab. She went into rehab and got kicked out for using in the second week and disappeared and laid now. No one she knew said they knew where she was. I suggested to my friend that he and the boys get out of where they were. Change his phone number and put a Manager into the flats he owned and was renting out and get someone who wouldn’t stand for her rubbish if she turned up there threatening all and sundry. He did what I suggested, went back to Uni and got a degree and started up his own business. It was a struggle at first, however they all got counselling and the boys went back to school. He struggled for a little while financially but then got into selling Real Estate because he was ethical and got a lot of referrals. He spent a lot of time on his own getting to know himself and becoming self contained. Did a lot of Yoga and Meditation with his boys. He had been on his own for about eight years, he had become self contained which he never was and had a much better idea about who he was and had become a better man and role model for his sons. He was asked by a friend to do them a favour in a country town about 100 kms from where he lived. It was tough on him and sometimes he wondered why the hell he kept doing it until he met his future partner. She was also working there as a temp at the same time. They just clicked in every way. After seeing each other for two years, they married. She had a daughter. They have been together ten years. They are all doing well.

I don’t speak to him much but he always remembers my birthday and sends a card at Christmas.

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“You’ll never guess what happened next!”

1245

No more kids DJR he’s has the snip.

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That’s a tough situation, but you’re aware of it which isn’t a bad thing. What area of sales are you in? Do you work primarily in-store or as a rep? Or are you on the phone etc? Reason I ask is that that with all the disruption caused by COVID, it has presented many with a few unexpected opportunities. I take it from your post that as of right now, you can’t undertake your role as you did previously but is there a way to do your job (or parts of your job) remotely? If there is it may then allow you a little more flexibility once the dust settles. This may not be possible of course but it’s worth investigating for the sake of your and your family’s wellbeing.

Keep posting. You’ll probably never meet any of us but rest assured we get what you’re saying and how you’re feeling.

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1247

Hey Diggers,

Thanks for the response.

I probably made my situation sound worse than it actually is the other night, due to having a rough day/past 4 months and needed to vent.

I think my frustration is more knowing that i need change, but not knowing what that is and/or having the time to focus on it whilst trying to juggle work/spending quality time with the family.

Financially i will be OK, there are people in a much worse situation than me.

Me and my wife will be receiving job-keeper in May, and with our savings for the gap-year we will get by alright.

For now, I’m still working 5 days from home (and homeschooling the kids) so I am enjoying being able to walk into the next room and giving my kids a hug or pull a stupid face and make them laugh.

As a long time lurker, BB is a great community. For every person on here getting overly aggressive about whether Hurley should play Forward or Back or if Courtney Johns will become the greatest Bomber since Coleman, there is another person who wants to do good. The world needs more good people.

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1248

Good outcome.

Get involved in the various forums but be careful, it can be a productivity killer.

1249

Do you do anything for “me” time @withoutadoubt ?

I know for me it has helped to schedule in something that’s phone off, brain off, time out of the house, no responsibilities.

In my case I started training for sport again, even tho I’m not playing. Also a different group of people, who aren’t work or family.

Has helped a bit.

1250

Thanks for the suggestion. Yeah this is one of the problems.

I used to play Cricket, AFL, Basketball, Tennis, Volleyball, Soccer and be really active.

For the last few years though I haven’t had the time, I’ve gotten into a cycle of working till late 7-8pm most days, grabbing some takeaway on the way home, Eat, Sleep, Rinse, Repeat.

I had started up Cricket/Indoor Cricket again and was getting back into it. It was helping somewhat, but that’s all on hold due to everything going on at the moment, will get straight back into it when things open back up.

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1251

Yep. Feel ya there.

Work life balance is important. Even if what you would like to do is cancelled I still think it helps to schedule in something.

1252

Just wanted to pop this up here. I really rate what Matt is trying to do.

1253

Hi all,
I regularly read this thread as I find it therapeutic in a strange way, it’s nice to have a mostly anonymous space where we can all vent and support one another. It’s a really positive environment.

I haven’t posted before, but I’m finding myself in a bit of a crap situation. When I try and take stock and get perspective and take a look at my life from the outside I feel like I’m whinging, but I guess I can’t help the way I feel, but I almost feel guilty for feeling the way I do.

At it’s core it’s mainly to do with work and my confidence in my own abilities - I’m at a real crossroads. I’m 34 and have worked in marketing my whole career, but I’ve worked in very niche entertainment industries where the type of marketing I’ve undertaken has been very industry specific - I don’t have any formal marketing qualifications (not in itself a huge issue or a requirement when going for roles, experience is valued more highly than qualifications generally), but it’s fair to say I’ve kind of fudged my way through my career, picking up bits and pieces of skills along the way, I guess I’m kind of jack of most trades but master of none, and I’ve been quite lucky in getting roles that suit my experience.

I was made redundant in August last year in a job I loved and excelled at through no fault of my own (the whole company was basically shut down), and in October I managed to get a job as a Marketing Manager in what’s probably best described at Corporate Events.

I had only ever had 1 direct report up until that point, and I was handed 4 people to manage. That in itself was OK, and my staff with the exception of one person were great, and supportive and seemed to like working with me. The real issue was my boss - she was a horrible person with the exterior of being nice. A true narcissist. I didn’t like her in my interview, and I should have trusted my first impressions.

The first 4 weeks were OK, then things went downhill rapidly. There were a whole bunch of issues between us (including her accusing me stealing ideas from herself and team and passing them off as my own, which I vehemently deny to this day). I also had a few things going on at home and I possibly ‘over-shared’ in our catch-ups to try and build a personal connection / empathy more than anything, which I also believe worked against me as she was a psycho. Shortly thereafter we had a formal sit down which started with ‘So, how do you think you are going?’ – which is never a great way to start a conversation with your boss. At this point I was about 6 weeks into a new role, coming from outside the industry and still trying to learn the business ropes. Essentially she just told me she thought I had started strongly, but I had wavered in the past couple of weeks.

The last thing I said to her that day was - “I have to ask you. Am I at risk of not passing probation?” And she said “No, it’s not like that at all, I just wanted to give a pep talk” (or something along those lines) – but by this point I had come to understand her nature more and I did not trust her. I called my wife and said “I don’t think this is going to work out, I need to look for a new job, but at least I have one for the time being and we don’t need to worry about that”

This was the last week before Christmas.

The very next week (a few days before Christmas), I walk in on Monday morning, sit down at my desk and immediately my boss says “Got a minute for a chat”? – so I walk with her and I see the head of HR sitting in a meeting room and I immediately knew what was to come. After a very brief discussion it was determined that things weren’t working out and that I would be let go immediately. So at 9:15 AM I walked out without getting a chance to say bye to my team, and that was that. Merry Christmas right?!

After I was let go, every one of the staff I worked with messaged me after to say how shocked they were, and it wasn’t fair. So that was nice – and further justification was that in the following months, every one of my team left, plus others she managed in the wider team. So it wasn’t just me who had problems with her, which made me feel slightly less crap about what had happened to me.

But nonetheless my confidence was completely shot, and I felt like a huge failure. I’ve got 4 young kids to support and my wife doesn’t work, so there is a lot of pressure on me to bring home the bacon. I tried to put it past me and have a nice Christmas and not stress too much about finding work in January as I know recruiters don’t really hire in early January. It was really nice to spend more time with my kids, especially my little girl who was about 9 months at the time – our bond is so strong and special now, and I put a lot of it down to that time we got to spend together.

Fast-forward to now, and I’ve been in another new role for 5 weeks – a Marketing Manager role, but again outside of the industry I know and like. It’s in the apprenticeships and industrial recruitment space. I joined just prior to COVID hitting, so that was really fortunate, but I’ve been thrown massively into the deep end on a lot of projects, with no prior understanding of the business or language. I’ve been working until 7:30PM every night just to keep up, and as a consequence I’ve stopped exercising, and just feel really flat and tired.

Anyhow, last night when I was working from home my boss called mt at 5PM, and we had a 45 minute chat – she basically said that I need to slow down (as I come from a fast paced product based marketing world, whereas this is people marketing and is a slower and more deliberate type of marketing), and that there isn’t any expectation on me to deliver as yet. She sounded supportive on the phone but reading between the lines I can’t help but feel as if she isn’t happy with my performance to date, and it was a subtle ‘pep talk’.

It panicked the hell out of me, as it reminded me of what I went through in my last role and I spent all last night thinking about it. I just have the worst feeling that it’s going to end the same way, despite her saying there is no expectation on me yet and that it will take 6 months for me to understand the business and when the marketing will become 2nd nature. I feel like it’s inevitable that I’m going to not pass probation for the 2nd time. I always had confidence in my abilities, but it’s got me thinking that maybe I’m just not cut out for this level of seniority in another sector, and that maybe I’m finally being found out.

Or maybe I’m just being paranoid – it’s really hard to tell, since I’m so scarred from my previous job. I had a better day at work today, and a stakeholder sent me a really nice email about a campaign I’d launched and CC’d my boss, so that was awesome, but yesterday’s call is still on my mind. For all of this week I just felt like quitting and completely overhauling my life and starting a new career in something totally different and less stressful – but that’s not realistic as I need a six figure income just to support my family, so I’m feeling really lost and stuck and at the crossroads. I’d love to fast forward to 5 years time when all my kids are at school and my wife starts working again so I can take a step back, but that’s a long time away.

Like I said, as I type this out I feel like such a whinger as I have a lot of great things in my life that other people would kill for – and my problems seem insignificant to a lot of other posts I have seen on here - but I can’t help how I feel and I thought this was a great place to vent. Thanks for reading :blush:

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1254

Thanks for sharing. Please don’t feel like you need to minimise your issues or think you’re whingin, this is a safe place.

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1255

Can definitely see how having that chat with the first manager can raise some anxiety but they seem like pretty different conversations

On one hand the first one was a formal sit down in which the boss said you had been going well but had not met expectations in the last two weeks (being only 6 weeks into a new role im not sure what they are expecting! Always tough starting a new role)

Whereas the second chat seems to be a chat about your progress, giving some tips and trying to provide some insight/ clarity into the company’s expectations so you can adjust more smoothly into the role.

Stick to your guns. I don’t reckon you’ve got anything to worry about.

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If you have had a history of not getting on with your bosses, that’s another story.
But the first boss you referenced sounds like a sociopath and also, that the HR people were not doing their job - as proved by events with so many good staff leaving.
I would not take the words from the second boss as unhelpful. Reflecting on different areas of my own work, different approaches have been required for the quick, short fixes ( e.g. a Minister wanting some facts/spin to put out a media bushfire) as compared to a forward looking project to deliver policy objectives - which may require a wider and deeper consultative process)