Hi all,
I regularly read this thread as I find it therapeutic in a strange way, it’s nice to have a mostly anonymous space where we can all vent and support one another. It’s a really positive environment.
I haven’t posted before, but I’m finding myself in a bit of a crap situation. When I try and take stock and get perspective and take a look at my life from the outside I feel like I’m whinging, but I guess I can’t help the way I feel, but I almost feel guilty for feeling the way I do.
At it’s core it’s mainly to do with work and my confidence in my own abilities - I’m at a real crossroads. I’m 34 and have worked in marketing my whole career, but I’ve worked in very niche entertainment industries where the type of marketing I’ve undertaken has been very industry specific - I don’t have any formal marketing qualifications (not in itself a huge issue or a requirement when going for roles, experience is valued more highly than qualifications generally), but it’s fair to say I’ve kind of fudged my way through my career, picking up bits and pieces of skills along the way, I guess I’m kind of jack of most trades but master of none, and I’ve been quite lucky in getting roles that suit my experience.
I was made redundant in August last year in a job I loved and excelled at through no fault of my own (the whole company was basically shut down), and in October I managed to get a job as a Marketing Manager in what’s probably best described at Corporate Events.
I had only ever had 1 direct report up until that point, and I was handed 4 people to manage. That in itself was OK, and my staff with the exception of one person were great, and supportive and seemed to like working with me. The real issue was my boss - she was a horrible person with the exterior of being nice. A true narcissist. I didn’t like her in my interview, and I should have trusted my first impressions.
The first 4 weeks were OK, then things went downhill rapidly. There were a whole bunch of issues between us (including her accusing me stealing ideas from herself and team and passing them off as my own, which I vehemently deny to this day). I also had a few things going on at home and I possibly ‘over-shared’ in our catch-ups to try and build a personal connection / empathy more than anything, which I also believe worked against me as she was a psycho. Shortly thereafter we had a formal sit down which started with ‘So, how do you think you are going?’ – which is never a great way to start a conversation with your boss. At this point I was about 6 weeks into a new role, coming from outside the industry and still trying to learn the business ropes. Essentially she just told me she thought I had started strongly, but I had wavered in the past couple of weeks.
The last thing I said to her that day was - “I have to ask you. Am I at risk of not passing probation?” And she said “No, it’s not like that at all, I just wanted to give a pep talk” (or something along those lines) – but by this point I had come to understand her nature more and I did not trust her. I called my wife and said “I don’t think this is going to work out, I need to look for a new job, but at least I have one for the time being and we don’t need to worry about that”
This was the last week before Christmas.
The very next week (a few days before Christmas), I walk in on Monday morning, sit down at my desk and immediately my boss says “Got a minute for a chat”? – so I walk with her and I see the head of HR sitting in a meeting room and I immediately knew what was to come. After a very brief discussion it was determined that things weren’t working out and that I would be let go immediately. So at 9:15 AM I walked out without getting a chance to say bye to my team, and that was that. Merry Christmas right?!
After I was let go, every one of the staff I worked with messaged me after to say how shocked they were, and it wasn’t fair. So that was nice – and further justification was that in the following months, every one of my team left, plus others she managed in the wider team. So it wasn’t just me who had problems with her, which made me feel slightly less crap about what had happened to me.
But nonetheless my confidence was completely shot, and I felt like a huge failure. I’ve got 4 young kids to support and my wife doesn’t work, so there is a lot of pressure on me to bring home the bacon. I tried to put it past me and have a nice Christmas and not stress too much about finding work in January as I know recruiters don’t really hire in early January. It was really nice to spend more time with my kids, especially my little girl who was about 9 months at the time – our bond is so strong and special now, and I put a lot of it down to that time we got to spend together.
Fast-forward to now, and I’ve been in another new role for 5 weeks – a Marketing Manager role, but again outside of the industry I know and like. It’s in the apprenticeships and industrial recruitment space. I joined just prior to COVID hitting, so that was really fortunate, but I’ve been thrown massively into the deep end on a lot of projects, with no prior understanding of the business or language. I’ve been working until 7:30PM every night just to keep up, and as a consequence I’ve stopped exercising, and just feel really flat and tired.
Anyhow, last night when I was working from home my boss called mt at 5PM, and we had a 45 minute chat – she basically said that I need to slow down (as I come from a fast paced product based marketing world, whereas this is people marketing and is a slower and more deliberate type of marketing), and that there isn’t any expectation on me to deliver as yet. She sounded supportive on the phone but reading between the lines I can’t help but feel as if she isn’t happy with my performance to date, and it was a subtle ‘pep talk’.
It panicked the hell out of me, as it reminded me of what I went through in my last role and I spent all last night thinking about it. I just have the worst feeling that it’s going to end the same way, despite her saying there is no expectation on me yet and that it will take 6 months for me to understand the business and when the marketing will become 2nd nature. I feel like it’s inevitable that I’m going to not pass probation for the 2nd time. I always had confidence in my abilities, but it’s got me thinking that maybe I’m just not cut out for this level of seniority in another sector, and that maybe I’m finally being found out.
Or maybe I’m just being paranoid – it’s really hard to tell, since I’m so scarred from my previous job. I had a better day at work today, and a stakeholder sent me a really nice email about a campaign I’d launched and CC’d my boss, so that was awesome, but yesterday’s call is still on my mind. For all of this week I just felt like quitting and completely overhauling my life and starting a new career in something totally different and less stressful – but that’s not realistic as I need a six figure income just to support my family, so I’m feeling really lost and stuck and at the crossroads. I’d love to fast forward to 5 years time when all my kids are at school and my wife starts working again so I can take a step back, but that’s a long time away.
Like I said, as I type this out I feel like such a whinger as I have a lot of great things in my life that other people would kill for – and my problems seem insignificant to a lot of other posts I have seen on here - but I can’t help how I feel and I thought this was a great place to vent. Thanks for reading 