Thank you all for welcoming me here and some honest advice. I guess at the end of the day we are all a work in progress - the sun rises to tomorrow and the opportunities that the new day brings are endless. There is always hope in darkness and despair
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You mentioned your son earlier. What would you want him to do if he ended up in the same situation?
That seems like it could a really strong motivation to help you change your life if you can harness it.
Iām not 100% up to speed with what help is available in Australia, but Iām sure there would be some available to help you make the changes you want to make. Iāve not been in your situation so my only advice would be to seek help from someone experienced in helping people in your situation.
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From what you are saying it sounds like you can moderate these behaviours the majority of time but they become more uncontrolled and impulsive when you are highly stressed.
Might help with working with a professional to figure out your triggers, so you can identify when you are starting to feel highly stressed before you start engaging in these behaviours in an uncontrolled way and also develop alternative stress management techniques that are less destructive.
As others have said you donāt necessarily have to stop the behaviours completely just put strategies in place to prevent them from becoming problematic.
I mean even like places like Gamblers Help and substance abuse services realise that abstinence is not always possible or even desirable. I mean the Gamblers Help ads boast about how after using their services whatever percentage (canāt remember the stat - I think 2/3rds) of people gamble a lot less.
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Vass48. Welcome to BBlitz. Two things.
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I have no experience of what confronts you. The only time l have bet on the ponies was on a few Melb Cups, about 30 years ago. I am convinced that gambling in the long run is a mugās game, punters have the odds against them, and virtually no one comes out in front. Enough of this digression. Help is available for you, and your posting in here is a first step in the right direction, it sounds like you are ready to seek it out. I urge you to follow through. A lot of that help is free and confidential.
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Sooner or later you will need to clear the air with your wife. Sooner is better than later. There is a compelling reason to do so, apart from the obvious matter of trust V. betrayal. Two people facing a problem have a better chance of success than one. Your wife will be able to help you develop strategies to deal with your addiction, and help monitor progress. At the moment she is locked out of that process, even if she suspects there is an issue, and she most probably does. Coming clean will also make you feel better, that you are no longer struggling on alone.
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So the ex has not been home since Friday afternoon.
Left the moment I got home from work.
Supposedly will get home later tonight.
Frankly Iāve enjoyed not having her around but thatās 5 kids she will have abandoned for over 100 straight hours.
The 7-year-old was almost in tears at bedtime last night and said āif Mummy doesnāt come home tomorrow, Iām going to be really upset. I miss her.ā
The 5-year-old had a meltdown this morning. He woke up when the babysitter arrived and he flat out lost it, he was upset because he thought it was Mum finally getting home.
Got home from swimming lessons last night and the 2-year-old ran straight to his Mumās room because he assumed she was going to be there.
I told the 7-year-old to talk to her Mum about if she is upset about how much she has been gone.
I would but Iād just be accused of being emotionally manipulative or of being āā ā ā ā hurtā about her new boyfriend again.
One of her friends is so upset by her behaviour and her complete lack of consideration to not only me but her own kids as well that she has actually reached out to me.
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we did a brief course on accidental counselling today.
my main takeaway was to hear people concerns and direct them to get proper help / support.
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I have a close, non-blood relative who I am fairly certain is suicidal. I will call her āChristineā as I do not wish to use her real name.
I donāt think the backstory can be explained in great enough detail or in a concise enough way to really give the whole picture, but there are many complex things at work. It started with a person in a neighbouring unit who we are fairly certain is a drug dealer, but havenāt been able to prove itā¦ worse is that the person has seemed to somehow con all of local law enforcement as well as the DHHS into taking his side on literally everything that comes up. He probably should have been evicted multiple times over due to repeated breaches of his tenant agreement, but always gets out of it. He has made repeated threats to burn down the apartment, among other things. There are now mutual restraining orders in place and pending court casesā¦ of course, now we are facing the prospect of spending tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees to deal with this clown.
What makes this exceptionally difficult is that Christine works in psychology and in trauma-related services, and so she is already fairly deep and connected in the network of crisis aversion. Personal intervention may actually be the kind of thing that makes the problem worse, in short because she has developed a mistrust of the authorities that provide those services and some of the people who administer them.
She also has what I could call a fairly strong persecution complex - and while a lot of is justified, some of it is also heavily projected. But a lot of that stems from systemic abuse endured as a young adult, unapologetic and unrepentant parents, cops who have literally told her not to waste their time, and a general weight of the world in which perpetrators seem to be held unaccountableā¦ high level politicians of course included.
All this could probably be ended, or at least mitigated strongly, by simply moving outā¦ but part of the persecution complex also involves ārevengeāā¦ Christineās service to certain marginalised communities in Melbourne has been admirable, but it also tends to turn her into a little bit of a vigilante sometimes. There is a little bit of an obsession with being the SJW Queenā¦ Itās become one of those things where being ārightā is more important than being safe or healthy. And unfortunately, she now appears willing to give up her own life if things do not lead to a positive outcome. We are seeing a lot of phrases like āIām planningā and āI am looking forward to none of this mattering anymoreā and āIāve been working on my will latelyāā¦ perhaps it is easy to say āoh well, thatās just blusterā, but I donāt think so; Iām taking this 100 percent seriously.
But I also feel pretty damn helplessā¦ the way she talks is very much along the lines of āIāll be happier when Iām not hereā. Iāve tried to get her to stay with us. Iāve tried to get her to take a vacation. In order to save her, I feel like we need her to give up all of her pride, and I donāt think sheās willing to do that.
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You are right, that outlook doesnāt sound great. A circuit breaker is needed, a vacation sounds like a step too far, perhaps a weekend away might be doable, or just something novel, like a hot air balloon ride at sunrise. Something different, distract her focusing on problems 24/7 to take her out of herself. Failing all that you can try to be there for her, but you canāt be too close, or else she will feel stiffled and resent your attempts.
Weāve already had two circuit breakers previouslyā¦ and they worked temporarily. As certain dates with legal proceedings approach, the cycle seems to repeat itself.
I guess itās like this - what do you tell yourself when the attitude is āmy life is farked and see how everything confirms thatā.
All I would know about this is that working in that area would be really taxing.
A good mate of mines partner works in the same field. I can have a chat to him about bringing work home and how she copes for you?
Also thereās nothing wrong with seeking some help and I do know professionals are usually the last to seek their own professional advice.(in all sorts of fields).
I think having a few cuppas with her, asking how sheās doing and just listening is a good idea. She would be tired listening to people all day. Itās as hard work as talking all day.
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When someone talks like that itās one of 2 things from personal experience.
A cry for help from someone who canāt / isnāt up to asking for help for whatever reason. Or they have lost all hope and donāt care what they say and who hears it. You can be either or both depending on the situation and timing.
You have 2 choices from experience. Be a friend and encourage them to do positive things. That will hopefully contribute to her changing her mindset.
IMO the best thing to do is to call a helpline or go see a GP and get professional advice on what you can or should do to help her.
Itās a ā ā ā ā ā of a situation.
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I empathise with the super difficult position that puts you in but if there is suicide ideation, plans in place/ timeframes (court outcome), plus if she has the means to do it then I would classify that a high risk. I would recommend contacting Lifeline direct on 13 11 14 to talk to someone suitably qualified to assist you in setting up a support network for her firstly, then yourself should you require it. Relational trauma is a real thing as well and you should also look out for yourself.
Safer is better than sorry, please do let me know how you go. Hope she stays safe and youāre doing okay.
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Oh, the kids (and you) really need some certainty. Is there anyone she will really listen to? Iām guessing itās not you, but she has to pull her head out of the sand. Clearly she is free to go and enjoy herself. It doesnāt have to be at such cost to everyone else.
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Deleted her facebook page without warning. Was also giving away some personal possessions. Needless to say, serious red flags happening.
We have one person staying the night with her, and another will be tomorrow. I suspect in the short term things are okay, but this is gonna take a lot of work.
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I donāt know, I actually donāt think so. Her friend who has made contact with me has said she has made it pretty clear that she intent on doing what she wants to with little consideration to anyone else.
She said she pushed her the other week and pointed out the parenting split should be more even. She said that was pretty much ignored.
@ealesy05 where do her parents/siblings sit re: her behaviour?
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have heard from someone who works in the space when people talk about suicide ideation they are more likely to go through with it/ or attempt it.
its good you have someone there with her.
would be good if could relocate her to a safer place, though there is a lot of stuff going on from the sounds of it.
good luck.
Change the locks and put all her clothes on the front lawn. She might focus a bit more after that.
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Sheās not particularly close to any of them. She probably closest to her Dad. He knows about the new boyfriend, but wouldnāt know how much time theyāve been spending together or how much she is neglecting her role as the kids Mum.
Even if he did he too nice a guy to have a go at.her about it.
She has her own unresolved issue around her Mum and Dad separating and never being fully accepted by either of their new families.
She has always told me that the best way for me to hurt her if we separated was to have children with someone else. Which is why I find it ridiculous that she is already talking about having 6 kids because the new boyfriend had a kid with his ex. Theyāve been dating a month and as far as I know she hasnāt even met this kid yet.
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If you need help moving her out, I will raise a Team.
I have experience
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