The following is not intended to offend. It is nothing more than an attempt at dulling the pain. If the mods deem it inappropriate, I apologise but in times like these it’s hard to know what to do or say:
A secret training session took place at Purgatory Park, organised by the 34 players in a show of unity. In sweltering conditions, it was a high energy and generally upbeat session.
The session started with a minute silence in commemoration of the passing of Ben Mcdevitt’s partner who tragically deflated after incurring a puncture. Unfortunately the location of the puncture could not be found in time to save the patient and the frantic use of industrial strength duct tape was not enough to salvage the dire situation.
All 34 players were in attendance with the exception of Sam Lonergan who, from all reports, has decided to cop the sanction on the chin.
I am happy to report that only TBell was in the modified group today, and he wasn’t even there because of injury. The main group decided to expel him because they didn’t want to be seen training with someone wearing capri pants.
Jobe, training in double denim, is looking primed to take the competition by storm in 2017. He has recovered extremely well from his shoulder surgery. As of yet, he can’t do contact drills so he and Dyson have been teamed up with Brent Prismall who never engages in contact.
For those wondering whether Hooker is training as a forward or back, I am happy to report that he is training in the forward line with veteran centre half forward Alwyn Davey, Jetta and newly admitted forward-liner Ben Howlett. Together, they practiced goal kicking, employing an interesting incentive system. Basically they set up a billboard of SEN’s new breakfast team between the goals and kickers got extra points for hitting Francis Leach between the eyes.
Hocking is looking much better than this time last year. He was doing tagging drills by not letting Pig Hibberd out of his sight (something that didn’t pose too much of a challenge as Hibbo spent the entire night at a 24-hour Pancake Parlor trialing everything on their menu).
Stanton was busy working on his endurance by trying to sit through an hour of Patrick Smith’s radio broadcast.
Pears joined the undersized pseudo key position defender group made up of Steinberg and Luke Davis. The three were deeply involved in a body-language drill where they had to show their frustration after being beaten by a much taller opponent such as Ben Brown.
Colyer and Dyson were busy working on improving their speed and reflexes by trying to skip from channel 7 to 10 without copping even a second of Footy Classified on the way.
Hurley was engaged in spoiling practice, diligently going about punching holes through some CAS verdict booklets.
Myers, clearly playing to his strengths, worked on his long kicking. Short of Sherrins, he made do by kicking around Andrew Demetriou’s hairpiece.
Fletcher took it upon himself to oversee the drills as he couldn’t be arsed doing any running. It was good to have his experience on hand as none of the others knew who David Bowie was.
Melksham, going back to his roots, invited Angus Monfries for a sparring session that proved a constant source of frustration for Jakey. Monfries kept ducking and falling to the floor even before Jake emerged from his corner for the start of round 1.
Clinton Jones briefly appeared at training in a bid to take some notes on roles he may be requested to play should he get another call up. He was later asked to leave due to a complaint made by Corey Dell’olio who was worried Jones might set him on fire … for the second time.
Early thoughts of Gumby making a comeback were short lived when he pulled up sore getting out of his car, did a hamstring in the car park, had a back spasm when attempting to locate a park bench and developed a case of hemorrhoids whilst sitting.
Brendan Lee also turned up but nobody recognised him and he was asked to leave.
Henry Slattery tutored Browne on a special trick he learned post Essendon. It’s called hitting a target under pressure.
Spike McVeigh tried to sell going to join the GWS Giants to the group. Nobody seemed remotely interested with the exception of Hibberd who liked the idea of living in place called Breakfast Point.
NatRat spent the first half of the session sulking because the group couldn’t get a hold of his favourite training apparatus - a punching bag. This problems was soon solved when one of the Carr brothers became available.
Stewey Crameri was very relieved to join the others after being embroiled in a second controversy yesterday. Apparently the Bulldogs are quite upset with him. When the guilty verdict was announced, Crameri left taking his famous Malvern Star bike with him, thus leaving the kennel with no exercise equipment at all.
Paddy Ryder joined for the first part of the session before drawing the ire of the group by simply abandoning them all half way through after being lured by a nearby BBQ.
Jake Carlisle let down the group by again turning up late to training. The leadership group discussed his penalty and decided that they would add a further suspension to his Wada and “white substance” suspensions, meaning he can resume playing sometime after 2050.
The really tough and pleasing training session was drawn to an early halt so that the boys could attend a special rally in the city. The fish from local fish and chip shops are campaigning against being forcibly wrapped in The Age’s sports section.