High Fyfe draft review 2019
I came into the draft with a plan to strengthen my forward line, so I picked up five Fs and two Bs who are actually key position forwards.
Clearly this is a case of quantity over quality, because they’re all terrible players who will add nothing to my side.
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Pick 10: Jye Caldwell GWS ©
I see Caldwell as one of those ‘touted as one of the best players in the draft who slid a bit due to injuries in his draft year, and he’ll probably never be fully fit and only show a shadow of his potential, which will haunt him for the rest of his life and he’ll spend his forties at the TAB occasionally shouting at the TV while downing another pint of cheap beer before the barman says “I think you’ve had enough mate”, and he’ll reply with a rant that includes the very true and fair statement “it’s not my fault my name’s Jye - my parents should take the blame for that one” and then go home to fall asleep in a drunken stupor on the uncomfortable old armchair’ kind-of picks.
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Pick 28: Nick Blakey Sydney (F)
Blakey had the choice of being picked up by Sydney, North Melbourne or Brisbane. He made the only palatable choice.
Unfortunately he will now be stuck behind Franklin as the primary forward target as Buddy sees out the final 17 years of his 43 year contract. In the meantime, Franklin’s back-ended deal will be costing the club 140% of the salary cap each year, and Blakey will be wishing he went to the relative riches of Norf.
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Pick 46: Dylan Moore Hawthorn (F)
Dylan Moore is so short that at the 2017 Draft Combine afterparty, St Kilda’s recruiters tried to set him on fire. Allegedly.
Actual photo of Moore standing in front of an ant
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Pick 64: Jordan Gallucci Adelaide (F)
Direct from redbull’s premiership squad last year, Gallucci has come in and immediately been appointed captain of my godawful team. For this, he has earned the nickname ‘Juddy’.
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Pick 82: Andrew Phillips Carlton ®
I shouldn’t make a joke about Andrew Phillips. Not because it’s not tragic that I drafted him - it definitely is - but because it’s just too easy to laugh at his expense.
I mean, look at him
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Pick 100: Joel Smith Melbourne (B)
Six goals in two JLT games… just shows how useless the pre-season competition is as a form guide. Some actual quotes from the Melbourne version of the Mensa-verified BigFooty:
- “Seriously dont rate J Smith at all, ■■■■ version of Howe.”
- “I’ve got a sick feeling it will be Joel Smith [in the round 1 side]”
- “Far out we are playing with 21 if Smith plays round 1”
- “Today stopped all the ‘Smith was having a breakout game against GC before he did his shoulder’ talk. Nah. He’s not a footballer.”
- “Australian cricket is dying, but the rot started with Smith”
Maybe the last one’s a bit harsh on poor Joel but I don’t follow Melbourne that closely so I can’t argue against it.
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Pick 118: Oscar Allen West Coast (B)
If I’ve learned anything in my time as coach in this league, it’s that KPFs are fantasy gold, and people with two first names are always trustworthy. Knocked it out of the park with this pick.
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Pick 136: Matthew Parker St Kilda (F)
A couple of years ago, Parker was playing C-grade amateur football in Perth. I reckon after a month with St Kilda he’ll be begging the ammos to take him back.
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Pick 154: Taylor Garner North Melbourne (F)
I think this is the third time I’ve drafted Garner, for a total of about eight games. I’ve updated Wikipedia’s page on the sunk cost fallacy with his picture.
Garner is so injury prone that last year he tore his hamstring off the bone picking up a 20c coin from the gutter outside Arden St during North Melbourne’s monthly fundraiser
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Pick 168: Kieren Briggs GWS ®
Apparently Kieren is only the second player from Western Sydney to go on to be drafted by GWS. I’m sure he grew up with hopes of realising his dream of playing AFL and thereby escaping to Melbourne, or even central Sydney. But the ■■■■■■ AFL and their academies have foiled yet another cunning plan.
At least he didn’t have to move to Adelaide though. *ducks a bottle of Barossa’s finest thrown by @aceman *