I think communication skills play a huge part…which was part of what I was referring to earlier. Feelings can never be wrong but being unable to verbalise those feelings is frustrating. When people feel hurt or let down often their first response is to hurt back.
Sometimes it’s as simple as ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’, other times it’s much more complex than that.
A very good friend once screamed at her husband during a heated conversation that he was ‘bad in bed’. They had been married for over 20 years and we’re going through a particularly tough time. She told me later that of course she didn’t mean that, what she meant was that she didn’t feel loved and cherished like she used to and that resulted in her feeling less loving and romantic.
I’ve smashed a tv remote, and before we were married held Mrs Wim’s wrists to stop her hitting me (not that it hurt, but still…).
No matter how angry I get I still have no wish to cave her face in. It’s not something I really understand, to be honest.
Having said that, if I had one piece of advice to give to women (while not excusing violence), “Oh, go on…walk away…” is a really, really, really stupid thing to say.
That’s certainly the mature, adult solution. However there’s nothing mature or adult about these situations. That’s where I believe teaching communication skills…from pre school pretty much, would go along way to improving the way we deal with conflict as adults.
Derogatory words that are aimed at females … ■■■■…■■■■■…
Derogatory words aimed at males … ■■■■
All of these deride women in one way shape or form.
Also comics etc where the females are characterised by their tight clothing and massive disproportionate boobs…
It all starts somewhere
Man up.
Man’s look.
Take it like a man.
Nearly every day I hear women make gender-assumptive and condescending comments that would see men in the HR office so fast it would make your head spin, to say nothing of unwanted hugs, grabs, stroking…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m dangerously anti-violence on women. But don’t pretend women don’t do the language thing too (and to themselves as well).
■■■■ is invalid, btw. Only works if you ignore ■■■■, ■■■■, etc.
I’ve also found ‘respectable’ women far more willing to gossip about a man’s sexual equipment and prowess than ‘respectable’ men.
Edit: Also, ■■■■ is as taboo a word as the English language has. ■■■■ and ■■■■ most certainly are not.
I didn’t explain very well but I didn’t mean it’s only men that use those terms…
I wasn’t pointing fingers or insinuating one sex is more culpable than the other.
One sex is more culpable than the other. There’s no point pretending responsibility for this issue is equally shared.
Derogatory words that are aimed at females … ■■■■…■■■■■…
Derogatory words aimed at males … ■■■■
All of these deride women in one way shape or form.
Also comics etc where the females are characterised by their tight clothing and massive disproportionate boobs…
It all starts somewhere
Man up.
Man’s look.
Take it like a man.
Nearly every day I hear women make gender-assumptive and condescending comments that would see men in the HR office so fast it would make your head spin, to say nothing of unwanted hugs, grabs, stroking…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m dangerously anti-violence on women. But don’t pretend women don’t do the language thing too (and to themselves as well).
■■■■ is invalid, btw. Only works if you ignore ■■■■, ■■■■, etc.
I’ve also found ‘respectable’ women far more willing to gossip about a man’s sexual equipment and prowess than ‘respectable’ men.
Edit: Also, ■■■■ is as taboo a word as the English language has. ■■■■ and ■■■■ most certainly are not.
Without getting all reddit(y) and sounding like a ‘Men’s rights activist’, don’t forget those car/tampon ads etc that portray men as morons.
Every heard an argument/discussion in a pub? ■■■■■ are mates, mates are ■■■■■. It’s said that much here now it’s lost all meaning.
I’m not sure misogyny versus misandry is really all that directly relevant to domestic violence.
As I’ve said earlier in the thread, domestic violence is related to violence in general. It’s the same impulses.
Blokes who hit their women, are just as likely to hit their mates. It’s the powerful exploiting the powerless, which is sadly what human history has been built on.
Yeah, I’m not real keen to get to deep into this subject.
But I do think all of the MRA/rape culture/white knighting, comic book stuff, internet bulldust is a pointless diversion from domestic violence.
It's a sound theory ... And when you're talking about those who repeatedly offend it's true ... But in many many cases it's a one off isolated incident.
True, but to me that’s about impulse control, rather than attitudes.
Anyway… It’s GF day, there are more pleasant topics to ponder
But where does it come from ? One bloke stays calm, the other bloke punches out.i
Are we born to be voilent, or do we copy our family or just pick it up from TV?
I think that’s too simplistic.
This reply will probably be also but I’ll try…
Yes we all have a capability for violence. For example if one of my children was under threat I have no doubt I could harm or even kill someone to protect them. I’m not sure any thing would change that. It’s something I would do without thought for consequence.
Despite upbringing or education when under threat we tend to lash out either with words or actions. Everyone has a breaking point and it’s different for most. As are our coping methods. As are our communication skills. Add alcohol, drugs and volitle situations to that mix and it becomes a lottery.
I strongly believe that teaching skills to cope in these situations needs to start young. Often this happens within the family, as part of a strong, loving upbringing. Just as often it doesn’t.
For me the question is, why does one person hit others, while the others walks away.
I feel like it's to do with pride in one's self. If words from someone else are enough to inspire sufficient rage in you to lash out physically then there is something underneath the surface at play.
I am an unashamedly self-confident person to the point of almost pure arrogance - I can count on one hand the number of times someone has said something to me that has really cut to my core in my entire life. On those occasions was I stirred enough to ark up, but never physically as I never felt it would solve anything.
That is just my opinion based on my personal experiences. I have no idea how it would translate to anyone else.
It’s never just one thing. To use a bad analogy, think of it like an episode of Air Crash Investigation. It’s never one fault that causes the accident but many, many things that add up to disaster.
Doesn’t help that mental illness is still portrayed as someone who is ‘weak’. If we are talking about language from earlier you can see how ‘toughen up’ or ‘harden up’ can have the wrong effect for someone who may actually need help.
We have classes on how to cook or dance but we may also need classes on how to deal with emotions.
Doesn't help that mental illness is still portrayed as someone who is 'weak'.
Is it? I reckon I hear this sentiment about twenty times more often than I hear what's it's actually describing.
I’m playing the ignorant card here. Is it still a widespread stigma?
Yes. I cannot move up in my company because they “do not believe I can cope with the pressure” as I was honest with them when I first started 14 years ago.
