First Joke(s) of your imaginary Stand-Up Set

May be a goer.
May not, but it’s in the Dog’s Breakfast so who cares?
I feel like a lot of people have the idea of doing a stand-up comedy set in their lifetime.
So what are you leading with?

Melanophobia. The fear of the colour black. How much would that suck?
You’re drifting off to sleep…violent scream.


Just dress this up to sound more real life…

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his ■■■■■.

Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the ■■■■■ was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.

Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom and standing next to him at the urinal was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his ■■■■■.

The American said to him “Oh is your girl named Wendy too?” The Jamaican replied, “No, mister. That says Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day”.


Do you guys watch The Block?
Is it just me, or is Keith the Foreman the worst bloke at his job in the whole world?

‘Yeaaaaah, your bathroom’s not up to code. You’re gonna have to tear it down and start again.’

Farkin’ what?
Every farkin’ season!

Could you imagine if he was in charge of building your house?

‘Yeeeah, this is gonna cost you fifteen grand.’

I heard this bloke had W O G and she called him a bigot.

He said No, my home town is Wollongong.

Hi I’m the president of Essend. BOOOO
You know how the rest goes,


I wanted to be a comedian but everyone laughed at me


l was trying to think of some great farmyard puns.
But l was just kidding myself.

… l’ll get my goat.


Any cat owners in the house?

Any other cat owners notice that their cat loves, and I mean LOVES to put it’s arseh*le right in your face? Not exactly pleasant, is it? My cat does it all the time, the cheeky little bastard! I’m bloody sick of it!

Anyway, one day he was sitting on the end of my bed and I said, ‘ya know what? I provide you with water, food, shelter and affection. And what do I get for my troubles? Your date inches from my nose! Bugger this, you furry little brat, you’re about to get a dose of your own medicine!’

I dropped my strides, bent over, spread 'em as far and as wide as I could and gave him the closest and fullest of moons.

I looked back and shouted, ‘See that? See that?! Whaddya think of that, huh? Huh?!’

I gotta be honest with yas; it felt good. I don’t know why. I doubt he even knew what was going on but I was most pleased with how things were transpiring.

Until I noticed my curtains were wide open…

… and my 80 year old neighbour was walking past.

Sometimes a fleeting moment of eye contact can feel like a lifetime!

The look on my cat’s face was one of indifference. My dear elderly neighbour looked less than impressed.

I shouted to her, ‘Mavis wait! Mavis!’ but she stormed off. I’m guessing she didn’t have her hearing aide in.


3 couples apply to join the Catholic Church
The priest says if you give up sex for 3 months you you can enter the church

First couple were in their 40’s after 3 months they go back and see the priest.

Priest “have you gone without intercourse for 3 months ?”

Couple " it was hard but we got through did our own things no sex"

Priest " ok you can join my church"

Second couple were in their 30’s after 3 months they go back and see the priest

Priest " have you gone without intercourse for 3 months ?"

Couple " only just we both had to please ire ourselves to get through "

Priest " I guess it’s not against the rules you may enter"

Finally the last couple are in their 20’s and head back to the priest

Priest " Have you gone without intercourse for 3 months ?"

Husband " Well father we struggled and struggled and got to the last day but my wife bent over and grabbed a peach and I had to have her there and then "

Priest is fuming " well you’re not welcome in my church"

Husband " That’s ok we’re not welcome in coles either "


Soooo… Blitz. Amirite?


“First of all, I have a few things I’d like to get off my chest.”

(Pauses then takes off shirt to reveal bra. Takes that off to reveal tassels, and an assortment of objects tangled and clipped in chest hair. Removes them all.)

“That’s better.”


The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says “can you make me one with everything?”


Did you hear about the latest development in stem cell research? They’ve started using said cells to artificially grow vocal chords for transplants and such. The early tests have gone well apparently; the results speak for themselves.


Did you hear about the theft of toilets from a Police Station? Police have nothing to go on.

I’ll get me hat.


The same culprit stole the wheels off their cars…they’re working tirelessly on that case


They also made off with all the power cables for their PCs. They have no leads.


So basically, … you would ALL be outright plagiarists in your first Stand Up Com set. :thinking:

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Mine are original as far as I know.

Yeah, no, I could tell.

I meant all responders.


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