First Joke(s) of your imaginary Stand-Up Set

The mrs drops the tv controller on the ground and breaks it so I dutifully repair it only for her to do it again and again. Over the couse of a few years I tape it up and put it together yet it happens again until she insists we get a new one. Why? I ask, you’ll just break it again. She tells me that’s not remotely funny.


Have all the other blokes in the audience entered into that time period of the year where the wife wants you to do everything she wants done around the house like yesterday, you know that time… 2020 (or insert relevant year).

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Q: What sound does a European Wasp make?
A: Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz fucken.

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And while paying for the pizza, he pulled out a 100$ bill and passed it to the dude behind the counter. Seeing the bill, the guy was like, “Sorry, no change”. Unfazed, the Dalai Lama pointed to the register and said, “Change comes from within”…


The missus bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.


So what’s the deal with politics?


How’s everyone doing tonight?

So Adam Saad’s gone to Carlton.

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The same guy then went to a nightclub in an open-necked shirt. The bouncer told him he could not come in without a tie. He went back to his car, rummaged around and found some jumper leads which he tied round his neck. He went back to the door and asked the bouncer if he now passed the dress code. “OK,” said the bouncer. “But don’t start anything.”


Getting this sort of vibe from some in this thread…


What’s the deal with Ovaltine?

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That’s gold Jerry, GOLD!

So saad that Adams gone to Carlton.

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Walk on stage, tap mike, all working.
“Evening folks, as you can see from my top I follow the bombers. No no stop farkin laughing , I haven’t started yet”.


Not bad.
Bonus points for thread appropriateness.

I just flew in from out of town. Boy, are my arms tired.


Just letting you know that the Beatles museum is now open 8 days a week.

Q: What do you call a guy who falls 200 m. down and a shaft and is the crushed by falling boulder?
A: A flat miner.

Take my club, please

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There was Donald Trump, George Bush and Bill Clinton on a flight together and the plane is going down, the captain says it looks grim grab a parachute and i will open the hatch. but there’s only 2 parachutes for the passengers.

Donald says i’m the sitting president so I should get one. Bill clinton says I was involved in the biggest presidential sex scandal so i should get one and George Bush says I sent America to war and I won so I should get one.

Trump says well I’m the smartest so he grabs the parachute off the captain and jumps out the hatch.

Bush and clinton are then arguing about who gets the next one and then the captain says well that wasnt the parachute, it was just my hat so i guess we will all survive, except for the smartest man…

"Do you reckon there are horses out there, who have really, really small ■■■■■?

And all the other horses make fun of them… ‘Ha, hung like a human.’

Hi I’m Paul. I’m the sort of person who talks about horse ■■■■ before I even introduce myself…

Also, do you reckon there are rabbits out there who just really aren’t up for having sex at all?"

That was my first two gags on my first ever attempt at stand up at an open mic in Sydney, about 15 years ago. Safe to say my stylings were a little more ‘blue’ back then.

The first set went well, but my second set I tried to do some Bush/Howard political satire, and the horrors and trauma of how badly I bombed, meant I never got back up again.

Cool thread idea, Wim.