Looking for Advice

General Gibberish Forums
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So if you’ve read the mental health thread, you’d probably be aware that my ex-partner and I separated just over a year ago.

She has recently started dating and has a new boyfriend. They celebrated their 1 month anniversary on Friday (because apparently they are both still in Grade 9)

I have indicated that I want to meet this guy before I will even consider this guy meeting our kids.

Now given they have been dating only a month you might wonder why this would be a problem.

Apparently they consider it normal and appropriate for him to meet her kids after only dating for a month and she is now pressuring me to meet him, obviously so she can then introduce him to the kids.

Now I obviously figured that if she started dating again and formed a serious relationship that the kids would have to meet this person at some stage, but I never really thought about at what stage in the relationship that would be.

I certainly did not think it would rear it’s head within a month of the relationship first starting.

I don’t have any friends who have gone through this sort of thing, so I thought I would ask if any of you have separated after having children and then re-partnered, when did you introduce your kids from your previous relationship to your new partner?

I should not that I only relented and told her she could even tell the kids about this guy this week, because she was pressuring me about that. She told them yesterday. We have two special need kids (ASD) and one of them was upset about being told about the boyfriend and she won’t tell either of us why. I suspect that is because she does not know how to verbalise it.

Anyway one day after telling the kids and having one of them react badly to it, she is now pressuring me about meeting the guy so she can then introduce the kids to him.

I’m sure it is purely about being able to see this guy as much as possible and being to see him even when she has the kids, rather than thinking it is the best thing for the kids.

I sceptical that she won’t just introduce him to kids when I’m not around anyway. I mean she told our 13-year-old daughter about him after about 2 weeks even though I had asked her not to tell any of the kids yet. She then lied to my face about it saying that my daughter had figured it out for herself and asked her about it.

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Feel for you brother, get yourself a diary and log everything.

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Hi mate tough situation and I empathize, separation is an awful, awful thing to go through. My only advice is to recognize that you are both independent people now and that your relationship with your kids and her relationship with your kids are also independent entities.

You just have to trust that she will do the right thing by them, as she will need to trust that you will. Anything you do to try and control how she does things from here is only going to put pressure on the relationship you will have going forward and that will put pressure on the kids. There’s nothing that you can do for them that’s better than having a friendly and amicable relationship with the ex, regardless how much that may hurt

Hope you’re doing ok

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Way too early to be introducing kids in 4 weeks of dating.

I wouldn’t even call 4 weeks a relationship, they would be feeling each other out still.

How did they meet through an app?

My ex and I made an agreement, no introduction of kids before I met the new partner first and not until at least 6 months into a relationship. You have to protect your children, you don’t know people these days but especially after 4 weeks! Red flag for me, I’d take control of the situation here and mention to your ex by laying down boundaries. The fact you are asking for advice it’s no sitting comfortably with you and nor should it.

Your ex seems overwhelmed by her new partner and isn’t using her brain and placing her kids first and foremost

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Agree with anabelle. Seems too early.
Hope it all turns out for the best.

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Yep through an app. They met on an app on a Thursday, by the following Monday she was telling me she had a boyfriend, she didn’t even meet him in person until two weeks after that.

She said something last week that made me even more uncomfortable about the kids meeting him.

She said that he doesn’t get to see his daughter as much as he would like. My initial reaction was “so what, doesn’t mean he gets access to mine to make up for it.” Now, my reaction is why?

Now it might be perfectly innocent, it might be that his ex and the kid have moved a long way away or something. On the other hand it could suggest that their relationship ended up on fairly nasty terms and I wonder why.

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Even more of a red flag, she seems very vague, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has the app still and checking it.
He doesn’t get to see his own daughter through choice or court conditions is my question. If through choice well what does that tell you, if through court order I would want to know why?
Yiu need to step up to the plate here for your kids. Her head is in fairy land full of lust right now and she isn’t thinking straight. Stipulate firm and unmovable boundaries and don’t let her manipulate you into compromising those boundaries.
Do you have the kids full-time?

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I’m going okay.

The thing is I don’t trust her to do what is in the kids best interest.

For the most past the past month she has ignored their existence as much as possible.

We still live in the same house, which is a whole another thing, but when she has been home she pretty much spends it huddled up in her room on the phone to her boyfriend trying to ignore the kids as much as possible.

Like I said she only wants me to meet this guy, so she can then get the kids to meet him and she can see this guy even more when I take sometime for myself and she is forced to parent the kids.

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Just ludicrous to even think about introducing young kids to a ‘boyfriend’ this early on.

Surely that’s something to save for months after the fact.

Surely this with other points presented paints the picture that she’s not really fit or mature enough to have custody of the children at all right…?

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To be fair if I knew what I do now, there would either be no kids or far fewer.

This is pretty much how she acted when we were still together (well apart from the bit about being on the phone to her boyfriend) but when I was home the kids were/are my responsibility.

She used the excuse that she was studying, but she’s finished her degree, so she can’t use that one anymore.

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I’ve no experience here. So grain of salt and all that.

Biggest thing is to maintain a civil relationship with the ex. Creates all sorts of extra drama for the kids if the two of you become hostile.

Odds are this relationship falls apart in a few weeks or months. If this is the first person she’s dated since the breakup, she clearly is overly optimistic about dating. It’s a pretty rough thing for the kids to see a constantly changing person in their parent’s life.

But you can’t control her life. That’s the reality you are in. You can’t stop her from making mistakes, even if they hurt the kids.

Best I can see is you agree to meet the guy in a few weeks time. You’re being reasonable and giving the kids time to deal. Then ask that he meets the kids outside the house for a bit. Saying no is something you simply can’t do, all you can do is delay.

If she pushes you to meet immediately, jump straight to him staying over… you’re points are: this is the first time the kids are dealing with this, it makes the breakup real in a way that they haven’t dealt with before. You’d expect her to have the same wariness of you bringing a new woman home. A new partner in their home is going to be even more jarring than meeting outside. That her being first means she’s the one that needs to get the kids acclimatised, that if you’d been first, you’d be the one dealing with this.

Maybe something about your instincts being to wait 6 months, but as she’s so keen you’re willing to find a way to work with her.

You can’t question her choice in men. You can’t express doubt about how long this will last. You can’t question her parenting skills and care for her children. And you can’t tell her that she can never progress this with him.

Again. Not from personal experience. Best of luck mate. There’s no clean outcome here.

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See the thing I’m struggling with is that I know if roles were reversed and I was trying to get my new girlfriend to meet the kids after a montj she would absolutely 100% not be okay with that.

But at the sametime, if I started a new relationship I could not imagine being ready to introduce that person to my kids until at least 6-12 months into the relationship, no matter how serious I thought the relationship was.

It boggles my mind that either of them think it is appropriate for him to be meeting the kids 4-6 weeks into their relationship.

Look I have nothing against this guy. I don’t really know anything about him. He could be a great guy but I have no way of knowing that and the fact he has been nice to my ex for month is not enough to take a chance and expose my kids to him.

I’ve gone out of my way in being supportive of her and his relationship with him. She has got to see him every single weekend they’ve been dating. Even this weekend when I was meant to be away all weekend I made sure she still had the chance to see him Friday night.

I’m in no way trying to control her life. If anything I’m still scarifining my life to support her. The fact is I probably will agree to meet the guy in the next 4-6 weeks. I just don’t like being pressured about these things. And I’m sure once I’ve done that, I’ll be pressured to allow the next thing, which will be for him to meet the kids.

And once I’ve done that I’m sure I’ll be pressured to allow the next thing and so on and on. I realise this situation requires compromise but at the moment I feel like I’m the only one making compromises.

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Sounds ■■■■■■■ toxic, sorry mate. Very hard situation to navigate. Sounds like not a relationship you’ll miss

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No…it was broken for a long time.

She doesn’t actually want a partner, she wants someone to wait on her and idolise her.

We were friends for 4 years before we got together and she wants to maintain that friendship. That’s what I’m working towards, but the fact is if there were no kids involved I’d probably just move in to a caravan park short term and cut off all contact.

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15

Really sounds like you’re on a pretty predictable path on this one.

You sound pretty fair and accomodating. What does a win look like in your eyes? What’s the situation where this plays out and you don’t feel screwed over?

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All I can suggest is that you implore her to put the children’s interest first & foremost. Being special needs only adds to the difficulty children will have processing a new partner & if she’s going to be bringing people to meet then after only a few weeks then this could become a massive issue for them.

Do you have a child phycologist, therapist or paediatrician that you can speak to? Maybe getting some professional advice on the impact to the kids & the best techniques & boundaries might be very prudent right now before things escalate. As you say, introducing a new partner is something hopefully you might want to do in the future so setting the ground rules now & doing it with the support & advice of an outside influence may be better received as well the the best way forward for the kids. There’s almost no way she’s going to consider anything but their welfare in this situation. It sounds like she wants your blessing because she knows its too soon.

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Essentially to not be pestered and badgered into doing things before I’m ready or think the kids are ready to do certain things.

If I can get the 10-year-old to talk to me and can reassure her and she is okay with the idea and her older sister is okay with the idea of meeting him then I’ll probably might agree to it sooner rather than later.

I think my ex’s plan is that the first time I meet him, she is going to get a couple of mutual friends to meet him at the same time. I might want to meet him a couple of times before letting him meet the kids. The younger kids will just view him as someone else they can jump all over.

I just really don’t want to be pressured into doing this ■■■■ before either me or the kids are ready and that really doesn’t seem to be much of a consideration to either of them.

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Mate got to move into your own space. Even a room, somewhere. Make it your own, make your bed every morning. Little actions will bring respect and confidence into your daily routine.

Cannot drink from an empty cup. Get yourself in a good frame of mind, then you can make better decisions for the kids.

Best of luck, she sounds horrible.

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Not horrible…just incredibly self absorbed.

When she started dating she told me that she was just looking for something casual and if anything became more serious she would take it very slowly, and would cut anyone out immediately if they started asking too much about the kids and here we are 2 months later with me being pressured to let her new boyfriend of a month to meet the kids.

I mean we had a discussion last week and I made a comment about having to adjust to a lot in a very short period of time and she literally could not understand what I had to potentially adjust to.

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4 weeks is not a serious relationship, should wait at least 6 months but that’s not for me to say.

I think you are correct when you say she wants to introduce the kids to the guy so she can see him more, but I believe you are in the right here. If you are uncomfortable about it then hold back.

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