in an alternate universe, the club has asked me to prepare the club’s fixture requests for the 2024 home and away toyotathon coca-cola afl mens premiership season
and in order to increase engagement of enraged nuffies crying on the 3aw airwaves about their sht irrelevant clubs never getting marquee games, every single game will be proposed as a marquee game
we already have the following locked away:
april 25 vs collingwood. anzac day game commemorating the invention of two-up
sir doug nicholls round part one vs richmond. dreamtime game commemorating dean rioli
may somethingth? vs geelong. farm game commemorating someone taking a joke sheedy made as a serious suggestion and booking a petting zoo
second sunday in june vs carlton. the duke nukem “hail to the king baby” game where we attempt to steal relevancy off collingwood v melbourne without being a dck to neale daniher about it.
your proposal must include the following
an approximate date or round the game will take place
what the game will commemorate
how the opponent, date and commemoration are linked. this can be as tenuous or frivolous as you like, but there must be a link between all three
an event adjacent to the game, either as a pre-match ceremony or activities for the kids outside the ground
proposals will be accepted until we have marquee fixtures for all 17 opposition clubs and all 23 rounds are covered
as per my quoted post above i introduce the usa game versus the west coast eagles. because what is more american than fighter jets and eagles!
played in early july on a saturday morning to capture the friday night prime time american audience when no other sport is on. and to really appeal to those nutbags we go bonkers on the miltary propaganda pre-game - salutes and flags and flyovers and sht. we also have the navy marching band playing a medley of bruce springsteen’s greatest hits, and iggy azalea doing their national anthem.
added bonus for this idea is that we beat nrl to the punch on american expansion, further spreading the butthurt to non-traditional states
submit your proposals below. thanks in advance
pre-season vs sydney. mardi gras game.
pre-season vs st kilda. irish diaspora game.
mother’s day vs hawthorn. mum’s game.
week of june 30 vs melbourne. eofy game.
july vs brisbane. arnie game.
late season vs north. seagull game.
late season vs dockers. pearl harbour memorial game.
Essendon v Sydney game open the season
LGBTQI marquee game, make it same weekend as the festival. Maybe have Ess v Sydney stand alone match week before season starts, so we get a extra weeks break and start season early.
Best on ground gets the Ted Richards Medal.
Essendon fans can plan early to head to Sydney for the season opener.
I’m going to be totally unique.
A marque preseason game.
day - St Patrick’s Day
opponent - Fremantle, with their inaugural green jumper. Could eventually be Tasmania though.
what the game will commemorate - The Irish
how the opponent, date and commemoration are linked - do I need to link any further?
an event adjacent to the game - mobile pubs scattered around the ground serving nothing but Irish beer. We should also put a green die into the Yarra from Jeff’s shed all the way to the bridge to the MCG.
Can be a night game after the full days festival or a day game with night festivals. Works both ways.
We should be able to have Dropkick Murphys play live as entertainment.
We’d need to play every Irish player on our list to commemorate the game.
This of course would be different to the traditional rivals round that was all the rage a few years ago.
Just to be clear, none of the below teams have any history of rivalry of note.
Ess v Norf.
Carl v GWS
Coll v Suns
Melb v Port
St Kilda v Geel
Adel v Footscray
Syd v Freo
Bris v Hawks
St Kilda v Rich
Proposal: Baby game
Essendon vs Hawthorn
Baby bombers vs Family club
Traditional Poo and wee strip for the hawks
Umpires whistles replaced with dummies
Half-time sprint to the shop relay for some nappies
Line in the sandpit competition
All pregnant women get in free, provided they are willing to let a Hawks staff member ask if they really want to go through with it.