continuing the discussion from Changes for F.C.F.C - 2023 round 13:

in an alternate universe, the club has asked me to prepare the club’s fixture requests for the 2024 home and away toyotathon coca-cola afl mens premiership season

and in order to increase engagement of enraged nuffies crying on the 3aw airwaves about their sht irrelevant clubs never getting marquee games, every single game will be proposed as a marquee game

we already have the following locked away:

  • april 25 vs collingwood. anzac day game commemorating the invention of two-up
  • sir doug nicholls round part one vs richmond. dreamtime game commemorating dean rioli
  • may somethingth? vs geelong. farm game commemorating someone taking a joke sheedy made as a serious suggestion and booking a petting zoo
  • second sunday in june vs carlton. the duke nukem “hail to the king baby” game where we attempt to steal relevancy off collingwood v melbourne without being a dck to neale daniher about it.

your proposal must include the following

  • an approximate date or round the game will take place
  • the opponent
  • what the game will commemorate
  • how the opponent, date and commemoration are linked. this can be as tenuous or frivolous as you like, but there must be a link between all three
  • an event adjacent to the game, either as a pre-match ceremony or activities for the kids outside the ground

proposals will be accepted until we have marquee fixtures for all 17 opposition clubs and all 23 rounds are covered

as per my quoted post above i introduce the usa game versus the west coast eagles. because what is more american than fighter jets and eagles!

played in early july on a saturday morning to capture the friday night prime time american audience when no other sport is on. and to really appeal to those nutbags we go bonkers on the miltary propaganda pre-game - salutes and flags and flyovers and sht. we also have the navy marching band playing a medley of bruce springsteen’s greatest hits, and iggy azalea doing their national anthem.

added bonus for this idea is that we beat nrl to the punch on american expansion, further spreading the butthurt to non-traditional states

submit your proposals below. thanks in advance

accepted proposals:
pre-season vs sydney. mardi gras game.
pre-season vs st kilda. irish diaspora game.
mother’s day vs hawthorn. mum’s game.
week of june 30 vs melbourne. eofy game.
july vs brisbane. arnie game.
late season vs north. seagull game.
late season vs dockers. pearl harbour memorial game.


None. Get rid of existing marquee games.

proposal outcome: rejected

proposal feedback: highly recommend revisiting the training module “identification of extremely obvious shitposting”



Essendon v Sydney game open the season
LGBTQI marquee game, make it same weekend as the festival. Maybe have Ess v Sydney stand alone match week before season starts, so we get a extra weeks break and start season early.

Best on ground gets the Ted Richards Medal.

Essendon fans can plan early to head to Sydney for the season opener.

I’m going to be totally unique.
A marque preseason game.

  • day - St Patrick’s Day
  • opponent - Fremantle, with their inaugural green jumper. Could eventually be Tasmania though.
  • what the game will commemorate - The Irish
  • how the opponent, date and commemoration are linked - do I need to link any further?
  • an event adjacent to the game - mobile pubs scattered around the ground serving nothing but Irish beer. We should also put a green die into the Yarra from Jeff’s shed all the way to the bridge to the MCG.

Can be a night game after the full days festival or a day game with night festivals. Works both ways.
We should be able to have Dropkick Murphys play live as entertainment.
We’d need to play every Irish player on our list to commemorate the game.

Another proposal:

Totally Irrelevant Rivals Round.

This of course would be different to the traditional rivals round that was all the rage a few years ago.
Just to be clear, none of the below teams have any history of rivalry of note.
Ess v Norf.
Carl v GWS
Coll v Suns
Melb v Port
St Kilda v Geel
Adel v Footscray
Syd v Freo
Bris v Hawks
St Kilda v Rich



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April 1st - April Fool’s Cup. Us vs Suns, where the fans walk in wearing Red T-Shirts tricking the AFL into thinking Gold Coast actually has supporters.

July 4th - (American themed) How do you like 'dem apples Cup. Us vs Tassie, in the Apple Isle, naturally.


Proposal : tin rattlers round.

Idea: big club matches with a minnow(minnnow home game), naturally we have to be matched with North and can lord our status over them.

When : first week in May to align with the federal budget.

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Proposal: Baby game
Essendon vs Hawthorn
Baby bombers vs Family club
Traditional Poo and wee strip for the hawks
Umpires whistles replaced with dummies
Half-time sprint to the shop relay for some nappies
Line in the sandpit competition
All pregnant women get in free, provided they are willing to let a Hawks staff member ask if they really want to go through with it.

proposal outcome: accepted

proposal feedback: recommend the bog medal called the [redacted by legal department with following comment: don’t even fkng think about it] medal

-edit- also engagement metrics from facebook comments and talkback radio would reach record levels

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You certainly made a decision when you placed this outside of the footy forums, deeming Dog’s Breakfast a better match.

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proposal outcome: tentative

proposal feedback: aligns well with afl concept process (begin with excuse for junket/bender then shoehorn in semi-legitimate front for it). opponent needs further brainstorming.

proposal outcome: rejected

proposal feedback: zero commercial opportunities. can’t have empty corporate boxes, bad look.

Flogging Molly instead of Dropkick Murphys and you have my vote

Seagul Saturday.
The opponent - North.
Commemorating the date the 1923 Ess administrators shat on North.

North have a chip on their shoulder about Essendon.
Like seaguls around a chip, they squawk, make a lot of noise, flap about and leave shyte everywhere.

Free chips and marshmellows for kids,
Charity tins - to ‘chip in’ for a charity (not North). Maybe Irrelevance Anonymous?

pppffffffffffttttttt major thumbs down to you buddy, mate, champ. You missed the gag.

proposal #1 outcome: tentative
proposal #1 feedback: feels self-sabotaging somehow. game would also need to commence prior to 12pm. further consultation required.

proposal #2 outcome: rejected
proposal #2 feedback: opponent must be an existing solvent entity

How about if the opposition is St Kilda. Apparently most Irish born Aussies live there.
Both teams can change the red jumpers to green to commemorate the occasion.

proposal outcome: tentative

proposal feedback: need to loop in finance team re tax implications

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