The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along one day when the Lone Ranger pulled up and asked Tonto to stop.
"It's too quiet out here, Tonto. Can your Indian intuition tell you anything about what's going on?"
Tonto dismounted, knelt on the ground and put his ear to the ground for a couple of minutes. "Buffalo come", he finally said.
"That's amazing" said the Lone Ranger. "How can you tell that just by putting your ear to the ground?"
Tonto replied, "Ear all sticky".
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<p><span style="font-size:14px;"><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><em>One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.<br>
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.<br>
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.</em> <em>"We have to eat grass."<br>
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"</em> <em>the lawyer said.<br>
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,</em> <em>under that tree."<br>
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.<br>
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."</em></span></span></p>
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<p><span style="font-family:arial, helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size:14px;"><em>The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife</em> <em>and SIX children with me!"<br>
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.<br>
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large</em> <em>as the limousine was.<br>
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,</em> <em>"Sir, you are too kind."<br>
"Thank you for taking all of us with you. "<br>
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.</em> <em>You'll</em> <em>really love my place.</em> <em>The grass is almost a foot high."</em></span></span></p>
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</div>Growing up, I didn't want to believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home and looked around, all the signs were there.
Growing up, I didn't want to believe my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home and looked around, all the signs were there.
Yep, please get your coat
still very funny
A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'
'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'
Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's ■■■■■■.'
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet?
Your toes look all mangled and weird.â€
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said.
"Let me guess...
Smallcox
A man went to Southport Gold Coast having seen an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Naturally interested, he went in and asked the Receptionist for details.
The Receptionist pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. "
"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair,
then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."
"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Brisbane"
"Is that where the job is?" asked the man.
She answered: "No Sir, that's where the end of the queue is."
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pot.
Got him a Fosters ..... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the ■■■■■■ pram home.
A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born
"I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said,
"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a ■■■■■, not a ■■■■■■■ photo copier!
Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life......
As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.."
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
"I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again.
"You can see him if you wish", God said, "I will give you power to gaze into hell."
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."
A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
ha.
How to stop your partner from snoring.
1. Hold pillow tightly over partner's face.
2. Hold in position until snoring stops.
3. Delete this message.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
A bloke graduates from Uni with an Arts Degree but has trouble finding any sort of job at all. In desperation, he fronts up to a building site and asks the foreman if he had any work going.
"That depends" said the boss. "You'd need some experience in construction. For example, what's the difference between girder and joist?"
"Easy" replies the bloke, "Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses".
A bloke graduates from Uni with an Arts Degree but has trouble finding any sort of job at all. In desperation, he fronts up to a building site and asks the foreman if he had any work going.
"That depends" said the boss. "You'd need some experience in construction. For example, what's the difference between girder and joist?"
"Easy" replies the bloke, "Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses".
Just bought a copy of Ulysses, have no idea when l will get around to reading it. Perhaps l will start on June 16, the day the action in the book takes place and also my birthday.
A bloke graduates from Uni with an Arts Degree but has trouble finding any sort of job at all. In desperation, he fronts up to a building site and asks the foreman if he had any work going.
"That depends" said the boss. "You'd need some experience in construction. For example, what's the difference between girder and joist?"
"Easy" replies the bloke, "Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses".
Just bought a copy of Ulysses, have no idea when l will get around to reading it. Perhaps l will start on June 16, the day the action in the book takes place and also my birthday.
Just don't try to tell anyone if you enjoy it. That would be weird. I read Portrait of the Artist as a young man (well, when I was at school actually). Unreadable tosh.