Red and Black Humour

Reboot · March 2, 2024, 7:09am

percebushby · March 2, 2024, 12:55pm

b00bytrap · March 3, 2024, 8:44am

OBITV · March 3, 2024, 9:20am

Ten things my mother taught me:

Logic. “Because I said so, that’s why”
Osmosis. “Shut your mouth and eat your dinner”
Religion. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet”
Time Travel. “Behave yourself or I’ll knock you into the middle of next week”
Foresight. “Make sure you wear clean undies in case you’re in an accident”
Stamina. “You will sit there until you finish your vegetables”
Irony. “Keep crying and I’ll give you something to really cry about”
Contortion. “Look at the dirt on the back of your neck”
More Logic. “If you fall off the swing and break your leg, don’t come running to me”
Appreciation Of A Job Well Done. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished mopping that floor”

Captain_Jack · March 3, 2024, 12:19pm

Yep, heard most of those from my dear old mum when l was a kid.
6. When it was Brussel Sprouts it became a waiting game, they tasted so bitter, that l chose to sit at the table for as long as it took, until mum gave in. She used to boil them for so long, they turned from green to a kind of khaki.

swoodley · March 4, 2024, 4:32am

As the bus pulled up at the bus stop and it was her turn to get on, Melissa became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus:

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

At this point, a large bodybuilder who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled. “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The bodybuilder smiled and drawled. “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!”