11 Likes
Old lady gets on the bus, shows her pass and gives the driver a handful of peanuts. 5 minutes later she gives him another handfull. Then as she’s getting ready to get off she gives him some more.
" Thank you very much for the nuts, love, but why you giving them away?" He asked her.
" Well I haven’t got my false teeth in so I can’t eat them" she replies.
" So why buy them in the first place?"
" Oh I just love sucking the chocolate off them"
Another golden oldie 
9 Likes
Golden oldie is about right. Sorry to disappoint you but over the years we have had this one a few times.
Ohh that sucks.
Like a chocolate peanut, boom boom!!!
1 Like
I went to the doctor.
“Doc, I keep hearing voices in my underpants”
He said
“Pay no attention. They’re just talking bolloxs”
4 Likes
He probably wouldn’t put his hand in his pocket when it’s his shout, either.
Unfortunately reaching the toilet paper is the least of his problems. He can always bend over to do that. The next stage however…
2 Likes
The cast of star trek must have done those poses on purpose knowing that one day…
3 Likes
I went to a zoo but all they had was one dog.
It was a Shih-Tzu.
10 Likes
13 Likes
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, “hang on! You’re a duck.”
“I see your eyes are working,” replies the duck.
“And you can talk!” exclaims the barman.
“I see your ears are working, too,” says the Duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
“Certainly, sorry about that” says the barman as he pulls the duck’s pint. “It ‘s just we don’t get many ducks in this pub… What are you doing round this way?”
“I’m working on the building site across the road,” explains the duck. “I’m a plasterer.”
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him “you’re with the circus, aren’t you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!”
“Sounds marvelous,” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call.”
So the next day when the Duck comes into the pub the barman says, “hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.”
“I’m always looking for the next job,” says the duck. “Where is it?”
“At the circus,” says the barman.
“The circus?” repeats the duck.
“That’s right,” replies the barman.
“The circus?” the duck asks again. “With the big TENT?”
“Yeah,” the barman replies.
“With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?” says the duck.
“Of course,” the barman replies.
“And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?” persists the duck.
“That’s right!” says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says …
“What the ■■■■ would they want with a plasterer??
10 Likes
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