Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the street?
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No, but I did hear the one about the leper who strained himself trampolining.
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Is that the same leper who failed his driving test because he left his foot on the clutch?
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That's him! The same guy who threw his hand in playing poker.
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Definition of Handsome
A teacher in Halifax asked students to use "handsome" in a sentence. A student named Latisha says,
"Sometimes when I be pleasin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw gits sore, and I hafta use my handsome."
The quality of the Nova Scotia educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye!
That's him! The same guy who threw his hand in playing poker.
and his poker playing mates laughed their heads off.
Was this when he was doing a prostitute, and told her to keep the tip.
Probably the same leper who left the party because everyone was using his back as a dip.
I was visiting the local prison recently when one of the cons asked me to buy a ticket for the wardens ball.
I said "I don't dance "
He said "it's not a dance it's a raffle"
If electricity follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
If electricity follows the path of least resistance, why doesn't lightning only strike in France?
Enough of these anti-French jokes. Robert Walls is moving there so those poor froggies need all the love they can get.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
Sorry if you're offended.
Why don't rastafarians carry keys?
Because they dread locks.
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Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They
rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for
lunch.
Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle
of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the
initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and
boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University
she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of London ‘s leading law firms. They live in
a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends
drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to
become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading
financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey
stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their
own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect
■■■■■.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in
a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front
drive.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people‘s
home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
So I was watching The Roast on Comedy Central last night and Greg Geraldo comes out with this about David Hasselhoff:
"David Hasselhoff's liver is so little, black and dead, that if you put your ear up against it you can hear it say
"Whatchoo talkin'bout Willis!!".
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On a side note, when I went to look up the comedian Greg Geraldo, it turns out he died jast a few weeks ago... from some kind of drug overdose...
While visiting an old and spooky country house, a lady confided in the guide that she was terrified of ghosts and dreaded meeting one on the tour. To reassure her, the guide informed her that in all the years he had worked at the house, he had never seen a single ghost.
"And how long have you worked here?" asked the woman.
"Three hundred years."
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's ■■■■■ and notices there's a Nicobate patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your ■■■■■.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
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Daughter –
Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype and now we've had 2 months of relationship through Viber. Dad, I need your blessings and good wishes."
Father
"Wow! Really!! Then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon and send them through Paypal. And if you are fed up with your husband sell him on Ebay".
Bloke goes to a psychiatrist and the shrink asks him what's bothering him.
"It's my family, they treat me like a dog" the man replied.
"Hmmm, interesting" noted the shrink. "Why don't you lie down on that couch and we'll have a talk about it".
The man looked alarmed and stammered out "The couch? Oh no, I'm not allowed up on the couch".