A gunman has managed to get a rifle into Los Angeles airport, killing one and injuring several more.
<p>I blame LAX security.</p>
<div> </div>The Ultimate Nerdy Pick-up Lines
1. Would there be any resistance if I took you ohm?
2. I've had my ion you for some time.
3. Would kissing you increase global warming and damage the Arctic irreversibly, or is it just enough to break the ice?
4. You're so hot you denature my proteins.
5. If I was an enzyme I'd be DNA-helicase so I could unzip your genes...
6. You're so sweet I am developing insulin resistance.
7. Girl, I want to be your differential because then I'd be touching all your curves.
8. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
9. Let's take you, add me, subtract the clothes, divide your legs and multiply.
10. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.
11. How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
12. Seismically speaking, geologists make your bed rock.
13. You are sin2 X and I am cos2 X and together, we are one.
14. I less than three you.
15. Your love is sweeter than 3.14159265...
16. How can I know the 100 digits of Pi and not the 11 of your phone number?
17. You may have 206 bones in your body, but I�ll happily give you another one.
18. I'm not being obtuse, but you're acute girl.
19. I need some help with my calculus; can you integrate my natural log?
20. Your skin is as smooth as an endoplasmic reticulum.
21. You're like telophase, I admire your cleavage.
22. Hey baby, want to form a synapse with me and exchange neurotransmitters?
23. Hey baby, can I be your enzyme? Because my active site is dying for a chemical reaction.
24. Can I plug my solution into your equation?
25. Baby, you turn my floppy disk turn into a hard drive.
26. I think my heart just lagged.
27. You're so cute you make my zygomaticus muscles contract. (Muscles that make you smile).
28. I'm POSITIVE I'd like your electron, want to bond?
29. I heard you're sin because you're always on top when we make tangent.
30. Hello, I'm Doctor Frankenstein - and I've got a monster of a...
31. Looking at you, creationists may have a point after all.
32.Hey baby, I think you are 1/Cos C (Sec C)
33. Your appearance of overall health, fitness, and signals of post-adolescent maturity make you an excellent choice for mating. I am willing to preen myself for an equivalent psycho-biological ritualistic judgment on your behalf. Although I believe that the combination of our DNA would result in the improvement of our species, I am willing to attempt to prevent same through the use of a barrier device.
There are more than 100 digits of PI
102? 103?There are more than 100 digits of PI
I think we can safely change that to the first 100 digits...
An old one ... for some.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside of New York City, New York scientists found traces of copper cable dating back 100 years. They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, a Los Angeles, California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet somewhere just outside Oceanside. Shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists report a finding of 200 year old copper cable, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, a local newspaper in Houston, Texas reported the following: "After digging down about 30 feet deep in his pasture near the community of Sugar Land, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless."
A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said.
"How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"
"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
3 Likes
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Shahan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. "Did this actually happen to you,Paddy?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
1 Like
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now wot da foock would you say?'
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
1 Like
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a ‘double entendre’
So the barman ‘gave her one’
2 Likes
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.
Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies,
two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!
What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask....Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."
1 Like
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, Who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" She demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that ■■■■■■ in your saxophone last night!"
E. L. James, creator of "50 Shades of Grey", is now the world's best-paid author.
In other news, J. K. Rowling announces her next book: "Harry Potter & the bedroom of pain".
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.
'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will '
the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ■■■■, and now it won't hurt as much.'
2 Likes
Police are going to start issuing on the spot fines for bad driving
I think that's a bit sexist myself
1 Like
I had a driving test with a female examiner this morning
She failed.
She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.
She looks at me,and says, "I just got home, and I am so ■■■■■! I have this
strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
" What's for dinner, Zorro?"
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Stanley, ...... the dwarf."
A guy walks into the TAB one day to place a bet. The woman behind the counter says ‘I see you come in here every day and place bets and never win anything’. ‘Yes’, he says, ‘I can never pick winners’. She leans over the counter and whispers to him ‘I am married to a jockey and get to hear about the good tips so next time you come in look across at me and I will give you a hand signal and you go and place a bet’, ‘OK’, he says and walks out.
The next day he comes in and looks across at the woman. She scratches her head and winks. He wanders across to the form guide and studies it. He sees there is a horse called Top Hat racing in the third at Randwick 7 to 1. He bets on Top Hat and wins.
The next day he comes in and looks across at the woman and she fondles her breast and winks. He wanders across to the form guide and finds a horse called Breastplate racing in the 5th at Werribee (10 to 1). He places his money on Breastplate and it wins.
The third day he comes in and looks across at the woman. She scratches her crotch and winks at him. He nods and walks straight back out the door. No form guide, no bet!!
The woman sees him in the street the next day and exclaims ‘What happened? I gave you the tip on Short and Curlies, 33 to 1 at Flemington and it came in! It won!’ His face dropped and he said ‘Oh s**t!! I thought you were telling me that the c*nt got scratched’.