Red and Black Humour

General Gibberish Forums The Pool Room
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Mick walks into a bar and sees his friend Paddy slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks him what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies Paddy, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I see her?”
“Yes,” replies Mick with a laugh.

“Well,” says Paddy, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”
“That’s great!” says Mick, “When are you going out?”
“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paddy, “but I was worried I’d get an errction again. So I got some duct tape and taped my ■■■■■ to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Mick.
“So I get to her door,” says Paddy, “and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”
(Paddy slumps back over the bar again.)

“I kicked her in the face.”

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A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost of a tooth extraction.

“85 pounds for an extraction, sir” the dentist replied.

“85 quid! Huv ye no’got anythin’ cheaper?”

“That’s the normal charge,” said the dentist.

“Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?”

“That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off.”

“Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?”

“I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds.”

“How aboot if ye make it a trainin’ session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin’ and learnin’?”

“It’ll be good for the students”, mulled the dentist. “I’ll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic.”

“Och, now yer talkin’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman.

“Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?”

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There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I want to take all my money to the afterlife.”

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait a minute!”

She had a shoebox with her. She came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away. Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?” “I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a cheque”

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A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Flemington races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in year four.’

‘No, love,’ he replied. "I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15!!.

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A guy , named Anthony, was feeling terribly sick, so decided he should go and consult his doctor.

The doctor checks him over and says, ‘Sorry, Anthony, I have some really , really bad news for you; you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus, which makes CV 19 look like a sniffle.

It’s called ‘Yellow 24’ because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There’s no known cure , so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth…’

So Anthony trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to bingo with her that evening as he’s never been there with her before.

They arrive at bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins $35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins $320.

Then he gets the full house and wins $5000.

Next, the National Game comes up and he wins that too , getting $780,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, “ Son, I’ve been here 25 years and I’ve never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest bastard on Earth!’

‘Lucky?’ Anthony screamed out, ‘Lucky? I’ll have you know I’ve got Yellow 24’.

‘Bugger me,’ says the bingo caller. 'You’ve just won the $500 meat raffle as well !!!

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Students in a Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk’. The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

However, he wrote:

  1. It is the perfect formula for the child.
  2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
  3. It is always the right temperature.
  4. It is inexpensive.
  5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
  6. It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.

Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

  1. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground so the cat can’t get it.

He got an A+.

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’ So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework…

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’ Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor… This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias , the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street with the same rules.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

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You’re on fire lately

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Loving this 'boot

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Love the Viz

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An elderly couple, Mildred and George, moved to Texas.

George always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,so seeing some on sale,he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Mildred looked him over and said, “Nope.”

Frustrated,George stormed off to the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Mildred, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Mildred looked up at his naked body and exclaimed, “George, you know what, nothing is different! it’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!”

Furious, George yelled, AND DO KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MILDRED?”

“Nope,” she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE ITS LOOKING AT MY COOL NEW BOOTS!”

Without changing her expression, Mildred replied,

“Should have bought a hat, George. Should have bought a hat!”

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I must say that some of your recent efforts aren’t exactly new, and this one has probably been around a while too, but I haven’t heard it before and it made me laugh. Out loud.

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I doubt I know any new jokes, but the ones I’ve posted are new to this thread, so that will do me. And having now caused someone to actually let rip with an real world laugh I am pleased with my contribution. I’m glad you’re reading them, and even happier that I brought a chuckle to your day.

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Assuming that is real and not a voice-over then that might be the funniest thing I have seen in a long long time

EDIT: OK, it isn’t real, but still funny.

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I found it online. It’s on a Facebook page devoted to Indian humour. It is certainly the Indian parliament, and the speaker is the Indian PM, Modi Ji. I don’t know if the lip-sync is accurate enough for that to be really what he’s saying (though he’d be capable of it), but I still reckon it’s from a genuine Indian source. It’s typical Indian humour, too — they just love puns.