The authorities just arrested the world tongue twisting champion…I hear they are going to give him a real tough sentence
I own the worlds worst thesaurus, not only is it terrible, its terrible.
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”
Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down! Actually I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything. Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron straightened me out as she said everything will be fine, no situation is too pressing. The vacuum was very unsympathetic… told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and hoped it would all soon blow over! The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and didn’t say anything but the door ■■■■ told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to …yes, you guessed it 
…pull myself together.
So the iron is a female? Oh, you’re getting into trouble for that
And the washing machine too???
Oh CJ, you’re in for it now
A dyslexic man walks into a bank, pulls out a gun and shouts “Hands in the air motherstickers, this is a fuckup!”.
If you’ve seen Dawn of the Dead then you know that kid is definitely a zombie.
This might be pretty old, but it made me chuckle.
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Department sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the executive. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. ‘Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the executive. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete ■■■■.”
A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:
‘‘Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.’’
“What do they say?” the priest asked.
They say, ‘‘Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?’’
‘‘That’s obscene!’’ the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment…
"You know,’’ he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible…
Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.’’
‘‘Thank you,’ the woman responded, ‘this may very well be the solution.’’
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest’s house…As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying…
Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them…
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
“Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence…
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot & says…
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!
My Dad joke…
Q: What is blue and doesn’t weigh alot…
A: Light Blue…
An Englishman, American & an Irishman are trying to top each other’s stories in a bar.
The American says: “My local has two half price happy hours daily!”
The Englishman says: “No big deal. Mine does too and we get free counter meals with our drinks!”
The Irishman cannot contain himself and blurts out: “That’s nothing. Back home we’ve got a pub where I know you can get as much free Guinness and sex as you like all night!”
His companions are completely dumbfounded, slowly the American says to the Irishman:
“And this happened… to you?”
The response…
“No, but it happened to my sister.”
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!
Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says, “Ye did not come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says, “Ye still did not come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Irish cop says, “The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket.
If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket."
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down? "