That’s what she said
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I went to the Doc and said Doc i have this hereditary disease, Diarrhea. He responded, "Diarrhea is not hereditary. But Doc, it is in my jeans.
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Putting the grankids prez together and this golden oldie came to mind.
3 am and there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a fella said. " Sorry to wake you but could you give me a push please" . I went to put my shoes on. “Come on, hurry up I need a push” he cried out. “Alright , I’m here. Wheres your car?”
" No, I’m over here on the swing"
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I bought her indoors a nice little car for xmas, she took one look and said " that is no good, i want something that goes from 0 to 160 in under 3 seconds". I went out and bought her a set of scales.
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Little Johnny is with his mum at the Mall, when they see the Department Store Santa, and his large bag of toys.
“Mum”, said Johnny, " Why is Santa’s sack so large?"
His mum answered, " It’s because he only comes once a year…"
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These insults are from an era “before” the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words. Many are well known and we have had a few in here before, but there are some new gems in these.
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"He had delusions of adequacy ” Walter Kerr
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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”- Winston Churchill
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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow
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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
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“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
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"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” - Moses Hadas
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"I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” - Mark Twain
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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde
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"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.” -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
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"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” - Winston Churchill, in response
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"I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here” - Stephen Bishop
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"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” - John Bright
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"I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” - Irvin S. Cobb
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"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” - Samuel Johnson
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"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. - Paul Keating
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"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” - Forrest Tucker
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"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” - Mark Twain
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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” - Mae West
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde
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"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
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"He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” - Billy Wilder
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"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I’m afraid this wasn’t it.” - Groucho Marx
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The exchange between Winston Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
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“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” - Abraham Lincoln
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“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” – Jack E. Leonard
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“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” – Thomas Brackett Reed
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“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” – James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
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“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
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